AIBU to want to give my uni daughter "pocket money"

A lot of my staff are uni students and given the volume of applicants we get for each job I don’t think it’s uncommon for them to work during uni. They are all doing different subjects but manage perfectly well to work and study and they admit that actual lecture time isn’t a lot each week. They usually transfer in and out between stores if they go home in the summer and we’ve had a lot of them on our payroll over the years and we usually celebrate them graduating with something in work and I’ve never known any of them to fail. I don’t think it does them any harm and it gives them some good skills to add to their CV.

We have a DC at uni who lives at home

phone contract paid but last phone we are funding

travel pass paid 90/month

£100 per month to spend on lunch/coffees however they can spend this on whatever they want but then they have to be organised and make a packed lunch- either way this forces a budget approach and some organisation

they cook family meals often
complete cleaning chores weekly
other own laundry

sometimes they do additional ad hoc jobs for and extra £20 or so eg cleaning cars or gardening etc

This. You both earn money, why is your dh the only one who gets to decide where it goes?

We gave both our children a weekly allowance throughout uni to pay for food and bills. Their grandparents also gave them some money every month. We were in a position to be able to do this. Why wouldn't you want to help them out? Its very hard for students to find work at the moment and to be honest I am a great believer in not working whilst at university but during holidays instead. I think its a distraction. I did the same whilst I was at university. I understand that not everyone can afford to do this however.

This exactly.
Our daughter hasn't been able to find any job near Uni or home to help support herself. My DH thinks she should be supporting herself more as we are having to help her out so much, but if there's no jobs, what are they supposed to do?

At 16 I started 6th form, had a part time job and paid board (pittance)

My mum said if I moved away to uni and needed more help shed give it. But if I was in our home town I could either stay home for minimal board while I worked in the summer (free when I didnt) or move out and take care of myself. She said, that she had two jobs to give me security and teach me independence and choices. And that as an adult i have to make my own way somewhere and she wasnt subsidising me. And thats not to say there wasnt help when I needed it or treats. But I did make choices and learn to manage myself and while I didnt always like it then I appreciate its value (and moneys) now.

Id lean more towards DHs pov with maybe some help or trears here and there

It all depends on the kind of person you are what you feel is right in your heart. Don't let your husband pressure you to be like him. Some people especially men can be quite harsh in their treatment of their children for many reasons either because it's how their parents treated them or they are not as emotionally attached to their children or want to give them tough love. I think showing your children young or adult you care without spoilng them is never a bad thing and helps strengthen your relationship with them in the long run. They need to be eased into adulthood not just thrown in at the deep end and left to their own devices. I think you should help your daughter especially as you can afford to.

Would your DD be eligible for a maintenance grant? I understand that Irish students studying in Ireland don't pay tuition fees but can apply for maintenance grants.

If you can afford to, I would pay some spending money. Why not help her enjoy her student years.

You want her focusing on studying, so ideally working a job, but not too many hours. Perhaps on agreement she doesn’t use credit cards or take on extra debt etc.

That’s fair enough about food and accommodation but I was confused about whether he’s expecting her to also pay for fees; laptop; course materials; phone; dentist, travel etc - I think there are still quite a lot of ‘needs’ outside of food and a roof so it seems unnecessary to make her cover these immediately when the family are comfortable financially. I agree that working in the holidays / part time during term should cover ‘wants’, assuming of course she’s able to find flexible work so quickly. I just personally wouldn’t want to see my child struggling if I could avoid it.

I am in lreland. When our 3 kids were in college we gave them all pocket money as well as paying fees and accommodation as too far to commute. No grants and no loans. They all got jobs but it was for the extras: socialising/ new clothes/ sports & clubs etc. The money we gave them wasn't enough for luxuries. Its important that they work if the course allows or even during the holidays as it adds to their CV later and teaches them a lot.
She needs time to find a job and to adjust to college life so l would give her some but not so much that she wouldn't bother looking for work. As ours were living away we also made some extra available for emergencies which they knew not to waste. They all did fine and in one case the part time job opened up a full time good job later so definitely strongly encourage the job.

Exactly.

@JustGiveMeReason Yes, given how long the university summer holidays are, of course students can work during those months. What else are they going to do for three months? They also do internships (paid or unpaid) or take summer classes to get ahead, of course. But I don't know anyone among DD's friends who isn't earning some money this summer, being on holiday for a quarter of the year isn't realistic!

Why are you suggesting it is an 'either / or' situation ?

Plenty of people earn money around their studies and come out with 2:1s or 1sts.

the dd isn't being asked to 'earn money to live' in this case either. Her 'needs' are taken care of. This is about her having some incentive to get out and earn her own "pocket money" as it literally says in the title.

Does he want her to actually have time to do her degree or to have a half arsed attempt at it because she’s having to spend time earning money to live rather than studying? Which option does he think will be a better investment in the long run?

This is what Martin Lewis warns about: in the UK.
Student finance assumes that parents still help their children out financially, while they study.
That is why, when assessing for maintenance grants, they take into account the parent’s income, whether they help their children out or not.
It’s amazing how many parents believe that they stop being responsible for their children immediately they turn 18.
There seems to be a meanness about some parents!
It would seem kind to help the children they loved and nurtured, while they are still financially vulnerable.

I give my DD an allowance 🤷🏼‍♀️ I don’t expect her to work while she’s studying but she’d like to be more financially independent so will probably will try to find something part time at some point. I pay her fees, her accommodation (she lives in a property that I own with roommates), her bills and travel costs. Why would your husband want your DD to struggle if you can afford to help??? I’m so glad I don’t have one of those 😂

If your family had low wages (or if your daughter had no family) what grant/loan would she get? I think you should match this.Why should it be harder for your dc than for others?

When my 3ds went to uni in Scotland (no fees) the maximum cost of living loan was £4,000. At the same time the average term time living costs were £5,000. So somewhere students with no other access to funds were supposed to find £1000. That was the same principle that we applied to our dc.We paid £4k, they needed to work to fund the other £1k (and anything else they spent - I wasn't scrimping on our budget so they had beer money!).

Each dc took a different approach. One worked in every available job every summer, saved the £1k and could concentrate on their studies and socialising in term times. Another decided not to go down the uni route at all and got a job. Another partied all summer and got a part time job alongside studying. They also maxed dout their credit card and in final year were studying and doing 3 different part-time jobs.

I don't think the degree / life outcomes for them are any different between them, they have each found their own way to manage.

In our family all money is family money. If the DC need it , irrespective of ages. We help if we can. Why wouldn’t you? Our DC have never taken financial support for granted, but I’d far rather they had it now than (hopefully) decades down the line after we’re gone.

You are working and eating money so if you choose to give your DD support whilst she's in education that's up to you. If certainly be paying for her phone, Spotify, lunches, any education things like printing ink, paper, photocopying and maybe £100 per month for joining societies and being social. Your DH can choose not to support his DD but she will remember that choice he is making.

Is he her dad?

My Dd lived in halls and student housing, we gave her £220 per month on top of student loan, £20 oer month for laundry machines and £200 for food, going out etc. We didn't want her working during term time, but she did work full time in hols.

When our 2nd DS went to Uni we gave him £400 a month. He applied for the maintenance loan and got approx £6000 , this did not cover the rent on the uni halls, dining meal plan etc so we would also top up the extra on the termly bill ( sometimes by £1000)
He completed a masters so was at uni for 4 years, after 2 years he couldn't dine in the halls so we topped up the monthly amount to £600 for food etc
The degree study time was soo intense he couldnt get a job in any of the holidays, apart from the Summer after his final exams , he worked in a holiday camp near to us, cleaning caravans for the 6 weeks ( he loved it! )
He is extremely grateful for all our financial support, he studied hard, came out with a first class honours degree, he won some prizes each year, won a prize for one of his exam papers,
He’s now studying for a Phd, ( different Uni) he applied for a scholarship and got it so we dont tend to give him money soo much now,
We give him his travel costs when he comes home, pay for all his food when he’s home, he comes on holiday with us, we pay for that
His older brother pays for some of his “treats” so its a family effort
My DH didn't go to Uni, nor did I , both worked from age 16,
I couldn't imagine not supporting my children financially through Uni, I understand that if they can work whilst studying thats great but not all students have the time due to coursework demands.
When our DS came home he was constantly working on papers, the amount of files we have stored here !
Hope all that helps, a UK uni so different to your situation.

I would give her money if I were you. But I come from a family that the paid for everything till I finished my postgraduate studies (studies, accomodation, food etc). I was blessed that my parents could afford doing that. But I don’t think it has hinder me at all as an adult. Once I got my first job after postgraduate studies they stopped. I have a successful career now and I am very careful with money.

Is she going to be living at home with no rent/bills/food to pay for?

If so then thats fine. My DC live away from home and they have £1200 per term (£3600 per academic year) to live on but they have to pay for all of their food/bus fares etc out of that money as well as their socialising. We pay their rent directly.

If she's living away from home then that clearly isn't enough.