AIBU to resent my husband’s weight loss and his mum’s comments?

@Runningswanker

cant think of a better way that ‘family money’ could be spent then helping OP to move into a healthy BMI, can you?

Approx £400 of family money on weight loss jabs a month, every month? That's a lot of money for most (outside of Mumsnet at least)

I’ve skimmed but can’t see any mention of the costs involved too. Is it not prohibitively expensive? I think I’d be annoyed with that if he’s not going to change his eating habits and inevitably pile it back on.

Also, why is MIL judging you for weight gain yet presumably not her son, who didn’t carry a child for 9 months?!

I think this sort of thing can be very damaging in a marriage, when one person becomes slim and healthy and the other doesn’t, and resents them for it. I very much doubt this is really about the mil. It’s more about how the op feels about herself.

it can also then cause additional issues ie insecurity , will he look elsewhere, and hearing even basic compliments to him on it will shine a light on the fact she’s not lost weight. Jealousy snd resentment can make everything feel very different,I’ve a friend who when I lost the weight if anyone commented would sigh loudly and look away, in her head it was a barb at her, it wasn’t.

the fact of the matter is, irrelevant of what her husband eats, he’s eating in a defecit and has lost the weight, the op even if she eats healthy is eating too much of it, thus not losing weight, neither are healthy,

if the husbands diet is as bad as she says, and I’m not convinced it is, he likely eats healthy most days, and there is nothing wrong with a sandwich for lunch, but if it is, yes he needs to est nutrionally better. But she also has to improve her diet, not nutrionally but less.

and buying the kids chocolate croissant or whatever once a week is absolutely fine. The ops making out like he’s gorging on junk food every day and piling it into his kids, and again, I doubt this is the reality

the reality is only she can fix this, it’s her choice not to use the jabs, that’s fine, and valid, it’s a personal decision, but it does mean if she wishes to lose weight she needs to eat a lot less. The gym won’t do it.

I can’t quite believe the number of posts saying to out him to his mother or threaten to out him. What a massive violation of a persons privacy. Would you divulge any other medical history to someone against their wishes? This is no different.

Tell your mother in law to shut her face.

Have you thought about the cost of two adults on the jabs? The NHS aren't providing it for the majority who want it.

Stop being a martyr and take the bloody jabs. There's no shame in it.

Maybe she didn’t think of it - I seem to be the only one who thinks lying by omission is still lying.

Adults don’t have to tell their mothers everything. He hasn’t hidden his school report at the bottom of his satchel.

There might be nothing legally stopping her. But you’d have to be a pretty poor partner to directly go against your spouse’s wishes on this.

What personal attack?

Nope. From an update She used to ask me straight up why I don’t lose weight until I asked her not to talk about my body. She now asks it in more indirect ways (like how often am I going to the gym).

You made me laugh out loud. Good job DH has gone to bed. I've had years of I've done 15k steps today. I'm only eating protein or whatever crazy ideas he's read all the while not losing more than a few pounds and putting them back on again.

Now he's on the jabs and it's hurting his pocket he's actually trying to eat well and drink water.

Hey OP, husband aside, I wanted to show you some solidarity.

I have recently ballooned to a size 18. Like you, I'm doing regular sustainable exercise. And addressing my disordered eating slowly, whilst being proud that I'm improving my health.

I'm not fat enough to be prescribed WLI and I don't want to pay £250 a month plus for them. And I also want to do it myself, so that I know I can sustain it.

All power, well done etc to the posters who have done brilliantly on WLI - they aren't for you or me and that is more than okay. Keep doing what you're doing, you're amazing!

Honestly it positively infuriates me to the point of considering divorce that my husband won't go on the jabs. Together nearly 20 years. I've always been slim. He's left work at 41 so all he does is play video games and spend hours at the gym. Tbf he made enough money to retire but so so unsexy. He says. "Oh don't my muscles look so good?" No you nob it makes you looking even fatter because under a layer of fat. He's 235lbs at 6'2. I'm 108 at 5'8. Also 42. Not on jabs but nearly everyone I know is. I'm sick of the incessant gym and diet talk that has lasted for decades. It's annoying and exhausting when now completely unnecessary with jabs.

OP

Forget about what your partner does or does not eat. You could try and point out it would be better to focus on his overall health rather than just his weight but ultimately its up to him, just like it's up to you how you go about your own weight loss.

I would have one last conversation with him, you need to be in agreement over how you raise your children and sometimes make compromises.

If your husband bringing junk home is an issue for you he needs to know but you need to find a way that is acceptable to you (he keeps it out of your sight, you incorporate less healthy food into your diet on an agreed day or whatever). As a yoyo dieter myself who really struggles with self restraint round food my OH keep his crisps/chocolate in a hidden place and only buys other things like pizza if he is going to eat it within a short time frame or he will get a variety I won't eat. Yes he shouldn't have to do that but relationships are supposed to be supportive and there are things I do for him that other people may feel I shouldn't have to do.

You are supporting his feelings by keeping his jabs a secret, he needs to support you back. That should include having your back with MIL if she is making comments. Make it clear that of he continues to fail to support you then your support will also be withdrawn because you cannot continue like this.

I really struggle with my weight but in all honesty would be more resentful about my husbands treatment of me than the fact he lost weight by not putting in as much effort if I were in your shoes.

You also should speak to MIL again. Tell her you understand she would be happy for her son but you have chosen a different and a hopefully more sustainable path as people who lose weight quickly often put it all back on or end up with other health issues. Tell her this is the last conversation you will have with her on the matter and if she mentions it again you will stop engaging with her on the subject.

Other commenters.

Please stop assuming everyone is on mounjaro of you are one of the people who are. It is wrong and it is upsetting to some people who are not using it.

I've been dieting on and off my whole life, when I was younger the weight would fall off me. Everyone seems to have forgotten that and mounjaro, even older things like oralist did not exist then.

Now I'm older it is so much harder but this past year I lost weight with barely even trying. I assumed through grief but I'm actually unwell. Now I'm faced with telling people I'm sick or having them make snide remarks about me "cheating" behind my back and sometimes to my face. Yes these comments do get back to the person even if you are too cowardly to say them to the person.

To everyone who said the OP is an 18 so clearly still overeating. None of you know this. You don't know her starting point, maybe she used to be much bigger?
You don't know about other things about her health either, maybe she's got other issues that are not helping her lose weight. Whatever the reason healthy weightloss takes time.

He's not under any obligation to share his medical details. A friend of mine lost weight through gastric surgery, was she obliged to disclose that to everyone who complimented her?

He should tell his mother to leave his wife alone but he's not morally obliged to tell everything to anyone who mentions his weight loss.

It's an opinion. It can't hurt you. There's no need to launch a personal attack. And yes, lying by omission is lying. If his mother is congratulating him on his efforts in losing weight, not disclosing his use of WLI is dishonest.

You haven't understood the video then. It's proven that exercising has little impact on our overall energy output. Our bodies adapt and reduce our energy expenditure in other areas (NEET) to compensate. It's an evolutionary survival mechanism.

Yeah I picked up that too. there’s no virtue in picking the easy way sometimes, OP! Make life easier for yourself 😊 @Pipiscoming2023

She doesn’t talk about the ops weight, she has asked indirect questions like how often are you going to thr gym, but the op is clear there is no discussion on her weight.

I watched the video. I didn’t say exercise alone causes weight loss - you actually quoted what I said, which is correct - On its own it doesn’t ‘cause’ weight loss but as part of a diet and exercise regime it can be helpful.**

Exercise helps you lose weight, when you combine it with diet. Physical activity preserves muscle, and is key to keeping the weight off long-term. Moving your body burns calories, thereby increasing your total daily energy output. It’s simple. If you consume more calories than you burn, you gain weight. People who exercise regularly are far more successful at keeping the lost weight off.

Probably because she will blab to everyman and his cat. She sounds the type. Needs to get her own life.

And don't they lose muscle first which is heavier that fat?

Unless OP is a medical professional involved with his care, there is nothing stopping her from telling her MiL he’s on WLI. If he had any balls he’d tell her himself instead of lapping up the praise while his mother side eyes his wife.