To feel jealous of other single parents

I'm with you on this. Although the "break " is a chance to reset (and the empty house gets easier with time) sometimes co-parenting has its own challenges. My ex is a narcissist so tries to turn the kids against me, and we certainly don't bounce ideas off each other or support each other in any way! In fact, at first all I got back were dysregulated, tired children who had just been fed sugar and crap all weekend, and I had to get them back into my routine. It would be so hard doing it all on my own, I'm not putting down the amazing strength it needs to be a single mum with no breaks, but just saying that co-parenting isn't always better or easier.

Solo parent for years. It’s not about the break necessarily it’s the pressure of being the only provider for absolutely everything. Relentless.

You’re doing 100% of the work with 50% of the workforce.
Its appalling that women are put in this position with our time and unpaid labour being coerced from us because some selfish waster doesn’t want to do his share. Different if you’re a widow obviously.
I’m not quite in the situation you are OP, my ex moved 400 miles away and sees our child high days and holidays. So never regular enough to plan a life for myself but did give me the odd break from the unrelenting drudgery of full time work plus childcare. One half term I got shingles and the doctor said “your immune system must be entirely depleted”. Yes mate.
Lockdown was in some ways a relief as at least everyone else was also stuck in night after night. When we emerged from that DD was old enough to leave for a couple of hours and things have looked up from there.
Solidarity OP.

Hi op I get it. Same here.
i think it’s the relentlessness, and the fact that you get more weary as the years go on. It is grindingly tiring being the only adult to cover the day to day care, manage the admin, make the decisions, manage the finances, book the weekend plans etc….That builds up over the years, and you slowly become exhausted to the bone. Not as in ‘a good night’s sleep will sort this’ but as in ‘I have nothing left to give.’

what I can say is that:

• as they become teens it gets easier in terms of the weariness. You get some headspace back and some windows of time. And the chance to rebuild your life a bit.
• when they go off - I have one at uni - that closeness you’ve built up over the years becomes so apparent. My friends envy me that and I’m so grateful for it.

you’re in the tunnel right now and it sounds like the weariness with the situation has built up over time. But it will get better, I promise. Meanwhile, even a cup of coffee on your own, or just being in a different room on mumsnet or something can help you refill the energy tank a little to help you get through.

I’m not a single parent yet but it is imminent, as DH has cancer. So obviously will be alone.

I am already finding people are backing away. I get lots of ‘oh let’s meet for a drink hun’ () sort of messages, or ’if you need anything …’ but actually they don’t want to meet for a drink and if I do need something hey ask someone else!

I am fairly resigned to it. It’s expected to a point: I do find MN sometimes isn’t realistic about what friends will or won’t do. In a one off emergency people will step up but what they won’t do is replace a spouse.

Same situation for me though DS is now a teenager. I've solo parented for 14 years.
It is so very frustrating not having time or freedom so I understand. I struggled on and it was so very hard. I'm starting to see light at the end of the tunnel now that DS is older and actually joined a hobby group recently.
I made friends through a single parents holiday/day trip group and found some people in similar situations which broke up the monotony when DS was younger

@INeedIce I actually know two mums who would be more than happy uf their exes weren't involved. One got out of a dv situation and the ex is poisoning her kid against her, lying about everything. The other super ex plays Disney Dad but isn't reliable at all caring for the children ; don't put sunscreen on - kids got burnt, don't make sure kids are hydrated, ignores homework and birthday invitations for the kids, feed them only crap (kids don't complain mind) etc. So not a responsible adult and mum is anxious every time he has them. Not enough neglect proven to get a court order sadly.

So if you think about alternatives then also think about these alternatives. I'm sure you'd rather have your kids 24/7 knowing they are safe rather than being worried about their safety everytime they go to ex's. I appreciate that it's hard though but you talked about family- can't they help out?

@INeedIce I assume if you get no maintenance father doesn't work. Do you work? I know you said your choldren are older so I assuming they are in school. I know it's not time to yourself in the main, but just a child-free lunch break can help a little. Go for a walk etc...

I've lived the OP's life.....

Worst part for me was being on my own once kids were in bed. Stuck in the house with no one to talk to, all household chores complete. Nothing left to do except watch TV or read a book. It was bloody depressing for those hours before I went to bed and every evening seemed to drag on forever.

What saved me was having reciprocal sleepovers ever couple of months with friends kids meaning I could actually leave the house once in a blue moon and do something that didn't revolve around kids.

I didn't find it healthy being nothing but a 24/7 Mum and that was my way of keeping going.

Apologies if me making a suggestion based on my own experience is deemed to be patronising, totally fed up with posters jumping on me these days. The OP replied to me and didn't suggest I had said the wrong thing but presumably you are the MN Police.....

Try registered childminders ?
Do you trust teachers at school?

It has its benefits like not having to worry about someone else’s opinion on any decisions. But yes 5 years in without a break other than for work is tiring. I still remember my friend visiting when my child was 4 months old and randomly saying to me “now you know what it’s been like for me and none of our friends have offered to babysit”. I was just thinking you have a partner and parents that take your child multiple times a week so it’s in no way comparable. I don’t think people not in the situation understand that some people literally have no child free time.

If you get to know a babysitter use regularly they will no longer be a stranger. Same as school teacher is stranger on day one.

The benefit is no interference. My single mum friends and I often debate is it worse to be going it alone, but all the decisions are yours or having to share custody with a knob who makes things as difficult as possible. One way you get autonomy, the other you get a break.

Obviously the ideal is a brilliant relationship with your ex who genuinly cares about you and the kids, has them reliably every other weekend and half the holidays and still and helps financially, practically and emotionally. But this is very, very rare...

I am not in the same position but two of my friends are widows and it is crushingly hard. I feel for you OP - go gently on yourself.
If it is at all possible to pay a babysitter (maybe from the local nursery or a TA at school) so you can still see friends and have a social life I think it might be an important investment in your future happiness xx

We are here OP - just knackered!
It does get easier.
It’s hard but I feel pride that I’ve raised 2 marvellous young men.

@INeedIce
Packing them off to dad for the weekend (and not sure if you mean EOW or every weekend) is VERY different from 50/50 though. Both emotionally and financially.

I agree
plenty of women stay with horrible partners for whatever reasons but it takes guts to leave and do it alone.
I have a couple of friends who are single parents and I try to help them if I can.