Has anyone had success in getting their husband to take on some of the mental load?

He’s selfish, lazy and incompetent . You can’t change an adult. The reason am single

Yeah it's a slog but you might be able to train him and he might not put up with it. I started treating my partner like one of the kids. If he left stuff out or didn't tidy up I called him back to do it. If he didn't change the nappy properly (never used to listen about pulling the side bits out) then he had to change the baby's clothes and everything when they leaked. He soon learnt when I wasn't clearing up after him constantly. I'd say make sure the baby bedding is washed as we will need it back for tonight. He'd ask how to wash it and I'd say google it.
Basically he always used to say he didn't notice all that stuff so I just constantly brought it to his attention. But then he really is a lovely man who wanted to do better and now does. If he suggested a day out etc I'd just leave him to pack the bags. If he forgot then was on him to find a solution.
I just stopped enabling his laziness and he did learn.
I can 100% say that I am not the default parent any more. We have 4 kids and he does as much for them as I do.

Men who behave the way you describe in your OP don’t give enough of a shit about you or their children to do the right thing - otherwise they wouldn’t need reminding constantly (genuine conditions like ADHD aside). I would bet £100 he doesn’t behave this way at work.

The only thing I ever need to remind my DH about is the medication for the cat when I’m away, and that’s only because he’s my cat and DH doesn’t do any of his meds normally. Otherwise he just does what needs to be done because he’s a grown up 🤷‍♀️

This is a deal breaker for a lot of marriages. Have you used the FairPlay cards? They can be helpful in isolating what you each ‘own’.

I made certain things his specific responsibility and did not do them myself, ever. Bins and mowing. I also send him calendar invites as reminders for events, exams etc. I travel with my job and stopped planning dinner for when I wasn’t there

😂😂😂😂🙌🏻

My first DD’s dad was fresh from the family home and was pure shit. When we broke up and I was single I decided that if I was to ever be in another relationship the person would only add to my life and not take. My new partner is a lot better than the first, particularly in terms of parenting but I do still do the lions share of the mental load for the kids. I think this is because I already did it for DD1 so a lot of the systems have now extended to DD2. It’s not fair OP, yours does sound pretty extreme. Stop doing anything for him and let him realise.

I went back to work full time after being part time for many years and I work much further away than dh. So he’s had to do more.

I divorced a man similar to this. He wasn’t a bad person but he just didn’t enhance family life in many ways. My ex also used to ‘forget’ to change nappies or ‘forget’ to give the children lunch when I was out. It’s neglectful parenting and there’s no excuse for such lazy behaviour.

I insisted on going to counselling which was helpful (for me) as it clarified exactly why I didn’t want to stay married. It can be good to both talk to someone neutral even if you plan to divorce.

Nah. There are men out there that care about their wife and kids and will do anything for them. My dad and by husband are both good examples. Both proactive. My husband does jobs before I've had chance to think of them. I'm a SAHM so do take on a little bit more of the housework but say if a wash needs doing and he sees i haven't done it, he just does it no questions asked.

The only way it worked for me was to marry a man who took on the mental load from day 1. With previous (useless) boyfriends, i never managed to change them!

For this? Hell yes.

I would have to bloody interrogate him
Did he see the parcel?
Did he think it was for someone in the house?
When he stepped over it twice, was he aware he was stepping over it?
If he wasnt thinking about moving it, what did he think about it?
Does he behave like this at work? Going around not doing anything because he doesnt think about it? Does he not show any initiative at work?

Jesus. Pass him over to me and give me half a hour with a bright light and a car battery with clips to go on his balls and we'll see what he thinks about.

Of course, what he actually means is these things are beneath him and you are the one who is supposed to do all that tedious stuff that his penis is too mighty to be troubled with thinking about.

try "irony" and yes its been too hot this week to think properly.

I think its possible to genuinely "love" a child but not be a good parent. I have put love in inverted commas because my feeling is that if you do genuinely love someone then you absolutely want to do your best for them and that doesnt mean just giving them stuff because that's the easy bit. I hope you can get this sorted.

Thats not mental load. Thats just entitlement and not giving a crap.

Who doesnt think to bring a parcel in?

Yes, sorry, there's probably a better word for it than sarcasm, but I can't think in this heat, I didn't mean you meant it sarcastically in a rude way.
It's sad to see so many of these threads of women being treated with such contempt by men.

well not sarcastic exactly but I have never yet read on here someone who says "but he's a great dad" when he actually is a great dad.

How do you think you can fix laziness and negligence and neglect?

This is who he is. He's been shown by his mom women are there to do for him. Not vice versa. His sexism is very deep and yelling and discussions are not going to change attitudes that run so deep. Consequences won't either. He'll just not do shit and make excuses.

Try it. Stop doing anything and see what he does.

He won't change and step up where he's been so deeply absent. He'll probably go to his mom's to get food and have his laundry done and complain about you expecting him to be a functional adult at home like changing a diaper so full it's leaking.

Do it slowly, a few things here and there...just to inconvenience him..see how it goes. See if he notices.

Now with DC at different schools we are each in charge of the admin for one school (putting events in the calendar, signing up for things, transferring money for charity events etc)

I tried this- my poor daughter ( I had DS's school) never had lunch money loaded, school trips paid for on time- frankly it was a disaster the final straw was no leaving hoodie. After that I took it on. He had primary responsibility for that school for 5 years, he really didn't get any better.

I did fix DH, but Mumsnet helped. I posted here and he accidentally read it. He also read a chapter or two of the book wifework. He's not perfect but we have a division of labour that means we each play to our strengths. Fundamentally he recognises that the work involved in running a house and having children isn't just mine / women's work.