AIBU for not visiting my parents because toddler travel is too difficult?

I'm not sure you are doing yourselves any favours here by not doing longer journeys. If car is too tricky, then work on the train issue. It's not just about grandparent visits though, it's that it's hugely limiting what you can do in life.

I moved my son to forward facing earlier than I would have liked because he absolutely hated the car. It did help. I felt the chance of a full force head on collision was low, especially on the suburban roads and motorways we travelled on (not winding country roads). And as a PP said, the marginal increase in risk was more than mitigated by less driver distraction.

But I also agree that your parents need to accept how difficult it is for you to travel currently, and perhaps organise overnights in your area if they want more time with your children.

Try forward facing. It could make all the difference. The minute difference in safety could be mitigated (or even massively outweighed) by less distraction for the driver.

I wouldnt just expect that i not visit at all for potentially years, thats not reasonable. I might visit less.

What i would do is:

• try going via public transport
• split the journey with regular breaks
• go at night/evening or over a nap time where the toddler is likely to sleep for at least part of it

Its not really fair to expect other people to take all the travel time/cost. Children do get used to car travel & its not always travel sickness. My youngest screamed in the car a lot as a baby and isnt car sick, her elder brother was fine in the car as a little one but got very car sick from about age 4.

Couple of options:
Meet your parents half way.
Take one child (switch them each time) and leave the other child at home with DH (might there then be space to stay?)
Set off home at bedtime - will she sleep?

Have you changed the car seat yet at all? Both of mine hated the newborn seat but once we switched it at 12 months (still rear facing) it made the world of difference! Also I’d pass them snacks and have toys that were just for the car.

What happens when DH isn't around and you're driving, no adult in the back?

Try separate cars maybe, with a child in each?

If it’s only day trips could you find some nice places an hour away that you could meet for a few hours? Less travel for everyone so maybe more doable for inbetween visits for now

Forward facing and leave the other child at home.
I drive all week but can handle a 2hr car ride if need be.
Does the crying child have toys or some natural relaxing or soothing blanket or toy?
Is this a possible positioning of the car seat is
uncomfortable or car sick?
Nothing worse than limiting your travels because visiting family is so worthwhile for the children.
Failing that could you put up your parents for a few days.
Is there a train?

I don't think it's so much about baby/toddler struggling with a car, that's minimising things. It's more like the way to describe it is you've got two disabled kids who can't cope with travelling. Under the circumstances, travelling to see people who can easily come to you is something I just wouldn't be prepared to do, full stop. Your lives are hard enough as it is and they want to make it harder just so they can avoid travelling and make their own life easier. It's unrealistic and unreasonable to expect you to do it. But you need to stop minimising what's happening and give it to them straight. They can't be expected to understand the truth of the matter if you're not really explaining and are brushing it under the carpet with your language. You're mum to two disabled kids and due to the kids not coping, you also can't cope with these journeys either.

If they work I can see how the public transport journey might feel like a real PITA on their day off and they might not want to do it. So if that's the case I'd drop visits to a few times per year, like most people do who don't live all that close by, and the rest of the "visits" by phone calls etc. to take the pressure off.

Bottom line, if they don't like public transport they can take a taxi. Yes, I know it costs, but maybe they can book a few days hotel in your area and see you for an extended period of time a couple times a year. Instead of acting like you're "just round the corner" because you live a couple of towns over and can drive, when you're realistically not close by at all and the car journey takes as long as the public transport. Taking a taxi wouldn't make any difference to your journey, but they could use it to make their lives easier, doing away with standing around waiting or hurrying about trying to make their connections on time etc.

If they don't work they're being selfish, because they're the ones who can easily recover for a few days after the journey if they found it tiring, whereas you're straight back into parenting disabled kids the second you get home.

This is a weird interpretation.

Why wouldn’t OP’s children want to see their grandparents?

Why are you making it sound like this is 2 randos?
Why are you claiming the toddler would not want to see grandparents?

Obviously she can’t tell you what’s going on. I get severe motion sickness in the back of cars. DS GF does as well, first adult I have met who is the same as me. So we both prefer to drive, wonder if it’s that ? I used to be car sick a lot as a child. Remember being given travel sickness tablets as a child and having to sit in the front of the school minibus. I squashed the Teachers lunch as I sat on it one time on a geography field trip,

I don’t know the exact laws about babies jn the front now but I would if possible and safe try her in the front and front facing.

Building tolerance just means putting the toddler and the OP through hell for what? So 2 elderly people can play with a toddler who doesn't want to be there for a couple of hours. And I think the building tolerance stuff is bullshit, toddler will grow up and can either explain what the issue is or grow out of the discomfort they're feeling.

I would absolutely do visits with one kid at a time, alternating until you get to the point the baby doesn’t cry anymore and the toddler can cope with her in the car.

Could baby go in the front seat with the air bag disabled to give a little more space and distance from crying in the back?

I’ve had one who hated the car from newborn to about one and then one who quite liked the car so I do get it. It can be awful when they scream in the car, but equally the baby will not ever get used to something they don’t actually do.
You could visit them, even if they visit you more in between. To just say you aren’t doing it for the past few months, and pretty much indefinitely going forward is quite unusual.

The get used to it brigade are insane! Why would you deliberately stress your child? She'll probably be fine by 5, and likely earlier. Your parents can do the travelling for a few years or you just don't see them so much. 4 hours traveling in one day is too much anyway, and since you can't stay out doesn't make sense. You're going to be a doing a lot of travelling when they're really old, so they need to share the burden while they're capable. Go once every 6 months and stay longer in an airbnb, or get a holiday cottage somewhere neutral.

My DD was exactly like this this as a baby. I'm pretty sure it's motion sickness. I recently read something about vestibular migraine and I think this was the cause of the motion sickness, as I can see issues caused by vestibular migraine running through the generations in my family.

Dd did improve with forward facing, but as you say, it is a safety issue at this stage.

This - you do need to keep putting her in the car, otherwise she will not be used to it and it will get worse.

Doesn't mean you have to keep doing the 2 hour journey, but if you stop, you need to think about how you are going to keep supporting her to be OK in the car for the future. Perhaps there's a way to do it without your other child present so it's all a bit calmer.

sounds stressful indeed!
do you not drive OP? Might be worth dividing and conquering if you do as in one of you takes toddler regularly out in the car on their own and endures a bit more crying as your son won’t be there to be so impacted (the other parents stays home) or you take your son and your other half stays home with toddler?
I know your parents will want to see both kids but this arrangement won’t be forever and is likely the best compromise?

Surely that would be worse, I would not want to drive 2 hours with a screaming child in the back, it would be so distressing/distracting

I’m not older and I agree!

OP from what you’ve said it’s hard not to picture you as a big ball of stress in the back with your toddler making the whole situation worse.

I also think as parents it’s our job to help our children do things they find challenging, rather than removing the thing from their lives.

You might also need to be in a position to visit your parents, who are only going to her older.

Your toddler is practically as safe statistically forward facing at 18 months as rear facing as long as they are in a correctly fitted child seat. They are more safe than being unrestrained on public transport.
The number of children, aged between 0 and 15 years old, killed or seriously injured in RTAs between 2022 and 2024 was just over 2,000. There are approximately 12 million children currently in England. That’s a 0.017% risk. Most of those children were killed or injured as pedestrians, and of those travelling in vehicles, most were unrestrained or in defective vehicles.
Our children are statistically at far greater risk of injury or death as a pedestrian.
Your fears about forward facing travel safety, whilst understandable, are not grounded in statistical reality.

Leave the older one at home while you build tolerance in the baby.