AIBU for not visiting my parents because toddler travel is too difficult?

Oh dear. Lots of poor parenting going on over here.

Sure, put your kids at risk of internal paralysis and decapitation because you can’t cope.

Still realistic 🤷‍♀️

That too. Especially when sleep deprived with young children, it simply would not have been safe for me to drive two hours with them screaming in the back

The other thing is that it’s actually pretty dangerous to drive with a child screaming in the back seat. It’s so distracting. If he crashed and killed someone I doubt anyone would be quite so in favour of it.

I always find it weird that so many people think it's fine to leave a baby or toddler to howl in the back of a car for hours but sleep training is considered cruel!

My kids were just so unhappy in the car as babies/toddlers that we rarely took them anywhere in a car. I know some people think that's spoiling them or whatever but I just wasn't prepared to distress them that much. If you haven't had a child that upset in a car, it's hard to understand I think.

Her parents are in their 70s and in good health. Even if they can only manage 2 more years of travelling (which sounds fairly reasonable, my in laws fly over to see us twice a year in their late 70s), the 18 month old will be 3.5 and far easier to manage.

Do you know much about autism and sensory difficulties? You can’t train them out of it.

I’d go without DH and just take one dc each time.

child with SEN gets a peaceful trip.

crying child desensitises to longer journeys,

parents get a break from having to travel to yours all the time.

not Read the whole thread, we always travelled at their bedtime so they slept through the journey

Go forward facing and meet your parents halfway.

Well your parents aren’t getting any younger. So soon, if you don’t go to them you won’t see them. Unless you or they can move closer? Or you sort the travel situation. Meeting halfway sounds like a decent compromise to start surely. Ear defenders, etc.
There are three of us, we all used to scream, generally on rotation, one started the others off. Then there was cyclical car sickness. My parents resolutely stuck with it until we got used to it. Bonkers? I don’t know. But they wouldn’t have seen family if they hadn’t.

Have you thought about meeting half way at a family friendly venue?
X

We went forward facing at 10 mths for this reason. I figured that it was safer for me not to drive very stressed. Also, we used an iPad.

The simple and practical answer is for your parents to move closer to you. I can't understand people as they get older making it clear they want to maintain a close relationship with their grown up children & grandchildren yet they refuse to move to within a reasonable distance of them.

My DH & I began married life in the city where we both had jobs. This was an hour's drive away from both sets of parents. When our first child arrived we decided to move back to the area we grew up in & where our parents still lived. It was the best decision we made regarding childcare etc. It did mean an hours travel to work but so worth it. If parents and grandparents wish to have the old set-up of family living close to each other then there has to be sacrifices made by the parents, the adult children, or both. .

Staggered at the lack of understanding and empathy in many of these replies.

@Mamma112782 I imagine that your lives with a child with complex needs and a toddler are difficult enough as it is, without adding in stressful car journeys. I wouldn't dream of expecting someone to travel to me in those circumstances.

Eta that I had a baby who hated the car. It got much better once front facing and as he got older.

Meeting halfway and doing something for the day together would be good starting point, and would get your child used to slightly longer journeys. I agree with some though that she needs to get used to the car several times a week.

We don't have a crystal ball in life, and there may be unexpected journeys that come up which are unavoidable. It's better to get your child used to them now and it removes another stress from your life.

I mean, I do get it. I have a SN child and another who hated car journeys. I spent a lot of time sat at the side of the road trying to make one or both happy enough to continue. But you'll miss out so much stuff in their childhoods if you refuse to travel with them.

@Mamma112782 i assume you’ve tried doing the journey at night when both kids are more likely to sleep ? Both of mine loved sleeping in the car day or night which was lucky really as we spent a lot of time in the car .

Stressful= unrealistic. She's not in this earth to stress out her DC (or herself!) just so their grandparents can see them. If they want to see them they can travel to her.

Because it's a massive ball ache and upsets both her kids! Which is a good enough reason not to do it. She's got her hands full parenting a SN child, she doesn't need to be running around after grandparents too. They can come to her.

@Mamma112782 too late now but another time, I suggest posting this sort of question in the SEN section of MN which should hopefully reduce the hpnumber of horribly unhelpful and unsympathetic replies. xxx

I’ve had similar issues and I would take one child and dh would have the other, next time we would swap.

Bearing all this is mind it’s worse for you to travel than for them, so for now they have to come to you. You can’t put the whole family through what sounds like a massive ordeal. I think expressing your gratitude for them taking the hit for a while more would be nice. Maybe offering to upgrade them to first class occasionally or cooking them a special tea when they get there might help them feel appreciated. But ultimately your needs not to travel are higher than there’s.

Of course it's realistic for her to travel, it's just stressful.

They could offer to meet the parents halfway, at least.

It is realistic. She absolutely can, she just would rather not.

YABU. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

You need to use the car consistently and regularly, several times a week, or she won’t get used to it.

There are 3 seats in the back of most cars. Your older child can sit in the back too and he will just have to deal with it. Regardless of circumstance part of life is just dealing with stuff you don’t want to.