Disillusioned when earning 150k

You have made your choices like everyone else does.

I worked evenings and weekends until mine were at senior school, in a middling paid role. My sacrifice was not being able to save as much as I wanted, or live exactly where I wanted.

If you are unhappy with your choices you need to unpick it all and see where the sticking points are.

I’ve come to realise that it’s time rather than money that we should be aiming for. Obviously enough money to facilitate that time. And the issue is that that is near impossible now.

Unfortunately I think the rat race has stitched us all up like a kipper. So many people do what you do that house prices and everything else has gone beyond what they used to be. The amount of money spent on other things that simply didn’t used to exist adds to this. (Eg subscriptions for multiple tv platforms, mobile phones etc)

No matter what level of income and house price it feels like we are all forced to sustain it the way you describe. But we are all time poor as a result.

If your work is making you unhappy, it’s time to find a new job.

If it’s data related, I’m sure you have very valuable transferable skills.

Ultimately you are in a better situation than most re level of income, and making it lower still won’t improve your worries around money.

I agree the nursery thing is a massive pain in the arse and effectively makes a third of your income pointles due to loss of benefits. That in itself does make all the extra effort feel a bit futile, and of course doesn’t deliver any additional lifestyle benefits.

@Littlezonedout I’m out of the loop when it comes to nursery costs, but years ago when I was at the height of my career (an industry also heavily focused on presenteeism and absolutely not family friendly) and we had also moved to a more rural location I hired a nanny/housekeeper as opposed to nursery and it revolutionised my life. Is this an option? IME, Little kids adapt but need you to be happy and caring, not a stressed, shouty version of yourself. Little Kids need you to show up for the important school events, not every single morning drop offs. When they get older as teens I found they actually need you more in terms of emotional support and just being around - by which time I had the luxury of being in a position to be able to tell work what I was prepared to do rather than ask. It all does get easier I promise, but right now you’re stressed because you’ve moved, possibly got buyers remorse over that decision and recently had a baby ( I assume after mentioning maternity leave leave?) It’s a lot.

You need to prioritise yourself for a bit to work out what it is you want. Downsize the house if you want to stay put in your area but with less financial pressure or move back to where you were. You tried a move, it hasn’t suited you in his present form so change things up. There’s no shame in admitting something hasn’t worked. It’s Either the house, the location or work. Consider your options - Try a different firm where presenteeism isn’t the norm. Start your own consultancy in your niche specialism. Work as a contractor in your field of expertise. You do have options. I suspect given the time you have been posting at, you’re exhausted and no one thinks clearly on minimal sleep!

You’ve got this. Back yourself. And you should be sharing all of this mental load with your other half. Having an honest conversation about how you are feeling should be your priority this weekend. I hope you feel better about everything soon.

But if it makes you feel any better - I don’t do any school runs. And I don’t care. You're allowed to build a successful career outside of the home.

And everyone saying “yeah I do that for £35k and still manage all the same” have never felt the pressure of a 150k salary.

It sounds like you are comparing yourself too much to others and in a strange way. Your nursery fees are high because you earn a considerable amount more. This is likely to afford you a house of your dreams and to match what you want to be your 'perfect' home for your children. It is also likely to give you and your children better opportunities.

Craving things like reduced hours/different jobs comes with different battles. For you that would be the loss of income. You already mention moving to the country and you now have a mortgage that you can only afford with your high income. Maybe the time to have had these thoughts was before committing to this - would you be any happier in a job paying minimum wage or slightly higher, where you might have more time with the children or get your nursery fees for less but then stuck in a small house and still paying a substantial amount for it in relation to the lower income plus maybe not having the ability to afford more luxuries for your family that your salary gives.

No I get it Op. Fought hard as hell to get where I am as a “high earner” (doesn’t feel like it) and have many many days where I feel like I would much rather jack it all in and so shift work collecting bins or stacking shelves.

It’s the level of professional responsibility compounded with home life responsibility (three kids).

Your saviour here is flexibility. Is there really absolutely no wiggle room around flex hours? For example if I do just want to wfh I will, or if I want to leave at 4pm I will and then pick up some time in the evening after the kids have gone to bed. There’s no question as my output remains high and results are still there.

I know you’re in a niche but in your shoes I would approach work and ask for flexible hours. Outline how much of a real benefit it is and how workload won’t shift. If it’s a firm no, then I would be looking. There will be other roles that can offer you flexibility that’s vital when you have young kids. Even if it takes a year to find one, at least you know you have your exit plan.

Just curious, what does your husband do? Is he picking up the slack, contributing to the house, finances and kids? Does he need to be stepping up more?

Your industry is typically male pale and stale, the lack of flex and expectations are unlikely to change unless you break through the barrier.

You’re in the trenches right now and it’s exhausting. I remember it well. I just focussed on every month bringing me closer to the kids being more independent, and the pressure lessening. Got there in the end but it’s hard,d you’re not unreasonable for feeling the way you do. Solidarity x

Everyone else does exactly the same but doesn't make 150K? At least you are well remunerated.

School drop offs are shit though. You really aren't missing anything there. When I took a week off to settle my son into a new school I was able to drop and collect him without wrap around care. I felt more stressed than dropping early and heading to work on a clearer road.

You could be doing all of the above on 35k and building debt. I don’t think it’s the income itself, just pressure of modern parenting. I can see why you feel trapped though, but I guess it’s a little like Nigella’s gilded cage. There are many ways out, but yes will be a drop in income. Kids don’t tend to care if their house is huge or smaller, that’s pressure you’ve created. There are options, but your choice if you want to lifestyle change. Answer is a job with a little more flex. I earn half of what you do, and rent currently, though buying my own place finally in August. But my job has always been flexible, which was been essential really raising kids on my own.

You have a lot to be grateful for, and you need to make some decisions. Or hire more help, at least you have the income to get some paid help. You’re in a better position than most, and the neighbour paying peanuts for nursery will be struggling in retirement whereas you will definitely not. It may be even now, but that changes with pensions, as the government pension is minimum and certainly no large lump sum. That’s what I tell myself when I pay out huge amounts in pension every month anyway.

You don't have to apologise for feeling uncertain about your life!

It's just a sign you need to look inwards - no relief will come from comparison with others.

Good luck.

Yeah I’d also agree with the “suck it up” mentality for a few years, over pay your mortgage (if you’re not already), plan your exit and then weigh up options when kids aren’t needing so much childcare.
If it’s any consolation, I feel the same way and I’m on £60k! 🤣I’m pretty much doing the same thing but aiming for your salary range when the youngest is out of nursery (although I’ll need to pivot on industry as, clearly, this one is stingy with the compensation!!)

I go through phases though where I really appreciate my level (fair bit of independence and downtime, mostly funny/ friendly colleagues, able to balance kids and work easily as wfh 3-4 days a week) but I just want more £££ to pay off the mortgage/ get an extension. I bet in your role there’s plenty of unofficial pros to it that will tide you over for a few years?

it is a joke though that you don’t get any nursery relief at all over £100k, that’s really frustrating I totally agree with you there

A therapist would help you work out why you are focused on judgement.

Loads of people are living differently without either perceived or actual judgement.

They used to call it the rat race, and people have always wanted to escape it.

Some people want to prioritise money and status but feel like free spirits. That's unrealistic, emotionally!

I don't think it's your income that makes you feel stuck. This is just the reality of modern life, working, childcare, wrap around care. Constantly chasing your tail, messy house unless you can afford a cleaner. A pay cut won't make your life easier, even if it does give you subsidised childcare.

What do you want people to say? Welcome to the adult world where you choose your own life.

You could start by investigating why you resent your own freedom. A therapist can help with this.

The answer is to stop thinking about life purely in terms of money. Money is useful, it buys things. But it is not an end in itself.

Phrases like we leveraged heavily on a mortgage but a house we love - yet dictated by our commute never feature in inspirational life stories!