AIBU to set a hen do budget that may exclude some guests?

It was more how a few pp were addressing the op. She is doing her best trying to please everyone. But I agree about the bridezilla.

I don’t think it’s being nasty. - more surprised at yet another Brideszilla prepared to exclude friends just so she can have an Insta worthy story to post. I hope she isn’t surprised if some of these friends decline the wedding invitation.

I wouldn't book something knowingly excluding people, no. I'd also beware of people dropping out as that happened to one of my friends who tried to organise a foreign hen - only three guests ended up going!

I'd tell the bride that her choice of location excludes some of the guests and see what is more important to her.

Whatever happened to just having a local night out?
These bloody hen and stag do events are getting bloody ridiculous

Some good advice here about getting all the money upfront.

OP, you can't please all the people all the time. Never is that more true than when weddings are involved! My big hope is that you enjoy the hen do yourself after all your kindness in making it meet everyone's requirements.

Sounds really tricky to organise

If someone wants a room to themselves and someone else might be willing to sleep on living room sofa bed to reduce costs, this might help

Definitely get everyone's £ up front. And if you book a house for 12, I'd suggest split the cost between 10, in case only 10 pay up. (If all 12 pay, you can use the extra £ towards drinks / food)

If people drop out, no refunds. And you can't ask the others to pay more

Bright and breezy is the way to go. Be quite firm about what you're proposing and don't encourage too many opinions

What I would add OP is don’t ask for a deposit, ask for the full amount before you book! Even if the location allows deposit.

So many threads on here over the years when someone has arranged a group thing, some of the group have paid the deposit and then have to be chased for the rest of the money. Don’t accept deposits, only full amount. Also be clear if they drop out they don’t get their money back.

I've got to the age of almost 50 and never been to a hen do.

I have no idea why people are being so nasty. I do hope it goes ok.

Tbh OP I agree with you to just go ahead with it - and I’m not a fan of destination hen parties at all. But you’ve asked what budget everyone has and it works for the majority.

Only thing I would point out is food might get a bit difficult - I think you will need to ensure you have a lot of things you can simply open and serve - basically tons of picky bits. Making pasta or meals for that many people will be difficult. Prepare for late night snacks and extras too.

Only other BIG thing to point out, is you need a backup plan if anyone drops out and it bumps up the cost for everyone else. could you have it as a non refundable deposit and if someone drops out perhaps offer the place to a lower budget hen? With them just paying the remaining balance? Morally I’d want to return the money but practically it doesn’t work like that - been on a hen myself where I was sharing a room with someone (we all booked and paid for our rooms separately) and they dropped out (due to pregnancy) but they kindly still paid their share so it didn’t impact on me

I would tell people the price before booking it, and include price of accomadation, estimated cost for food, entertainment etc. Only when you have commitment do you book.

OP, I don't have much practical advice but just wanted to say you sound like a lovely MOH and you have been given a task even a professional event planner would find impossible so please ignore PP suggestions that you have made an error. Hen nights can cause huge ill feeling when financial issues are involved. Can there be some bedroom sliding scale of cost to mitigate the financial inequalities? Could a less prestigious room cost 150 shared and the one who won't share pay 350 for a splendid room? There might be a bit of behind the scenes massaging of prices and bedrooms that could please most people. I think the bride saying she wants a surprise but then has the following requirements makes this hugely challenging. Good luck!

Just quote the higher price estimate.

E.g. if 15 attend it's 250 but 12 is £312 just say £300. Say if more people come so there is money left you will start a kitty for groceries.

Get the money in full before booking. I can't emphasise that enough. Then if anyone that doesn't follow through paying you can get the go ahead for a smaller place. I have seen one place you are looking at has free cancellation up to 7 days before but don't leave it to get the money - having to cancel 7 days before will leave you without a hen do.

You seem irrationally angry about this.
The op asked people about budget so she would know what was best to look at.
With your responses you'd think she'd committed a crime 😆

Subsidising by a couple of grand! That's terrible. Get payment in full OP before you book the accommodation- that way if people drop out you can look again for smaller/cheaper accommodation- ok it with the group then book that.

It's pay day weekend. Ask for payment in full within the next week. If the hen isn't for a number of months you could ask for half this month then half next but that particular property might be gone - don't book it until you have the money.

Emphasise it is non refundable and if anyone that has booked a place drops out they will lose their money unless they find someone to take their place.

I think you go back to the bride and ask her to pay the remaining shortfall between the hens max budget and the remaining cost.

I’ve been in this situation only recently. I received a message from the sister that Airbnb cost was ‘only’ £150 for the night and ‘£20pp’ each for the taxi into town. But I knew that it would easily cost £50 in petrol, a then talk of a night out, and that cost would be going out with people dropping out.

When money is tight every pound more starts to feel like a loose.

On another note I fell out with my ‘best friend’ of twenty years over her hendo.

She demanded two nights camping at an activity site during Covid. No site would take a party of 14 except a private one I found. £50ppn and that included all bedding, in camper vans with private use of site with facilities (pizza oven, full kitchen, bar area with pool/darts/karaoke, showers etc). The original site she sent me was a PGL type place which was £300 PP on the other side of the country. The site I had found was literally next door to water sports centre so completely optional water sports and another hen offered to do outward bounds as she used to be an instructor/going to borrow her scouts equipment.

Five people weren’t in due to finances/wasnt their thing - a grand total of £127.50PP without contributing to the brides contribution - that included our Tesco food shop, non water sports activities and accommodation (that was max 2 hours drive away from everyone who was scattered across three different regions spanning 5 hour drive…)

She refused compromise to one night or on the camping or to invite more people to get the cost down. But the biggest one she messaged the other hens with a shitty message when I asked her to pay her share as she wanted it cheaper as people were complaining about the costs to her. Telling them she was paying thousands for the wedding they were all invited to and paying her share for the hen do was at least they could do.

I ended up getting some vile messages from a couple of the hens off the back of her message and somebody actually threatened me over it! Funny enough I gave my spot to someone who couldn’t afford it and the bride fell out with me. I heard the weekend was amazing and she recently put on FB from her memories how it was the best weekend ever. Those who didn’t want to pay £100 to ‘sit in a field’ apparently had the best time.

Dont book it without the agreement of the others. Just send out a message to everyone saying this is all you can find and give detaills of cost and requirements to share. Maybe don't send to the bride.

Agree! I paid for my hen do - they were my guests. I didn’t want them to consider whether they could afford to attend. They are my friends.
This bride appears to be ok dumping those friends who have a limited budget.

Think your boyfriend's right. Does it have to be an overnight stay?

It is a curse organising anything for a group of disparate people.you sound like a lovely friend who is trying to organise a lovely weekend I have learnt the hard way you will never please everyone so don’t try to- it’s basically impossible. I think you need to basically go -‘ this is the plan, the rough cost and if you’re in, I’ll need the deposit of £100 and you’re committed to the cost even if you drop out.’ You basically need to make sure you’re not stuck picking up a bill.

I made the mistake of asking for budgets before booking our work Christmas meal one year. I shouldn’t have bothered as one person said their budget was £5 which obviously means you can’t do anything. I then felt I had to go for the cheapest possible shit option and even that was at least 4x the £5 budget so also then worried about excluding someone and all the people with bigger budgets were moaning as they wanted something nicer. I’d never do that in the same way again… (mainly because I’ve never offered to do it again).