AIBU to set a hen do budget that may exclude some guests?

How ridiculous. I'm so glad I got married before performative hen dos were a thing.

"Friends" shouldn't be massively out of pocket/embarrassed because someone's saying "I do" to someone else.

What's wrong with a meal and a few drinks?

Tell the bride that those 2 can’t afford the weekend away, ask what she wants to do. It isn’t your problem to solve. If it does go ahead could the brides sister not share with the bride? If she still insists on her own room then I would again discuss with the bride and maybe they can agree that she can pay the extra- it would’ve be fair for those sharing to pay more for her to have her own room.

Sure

I wouldn’t take on that job for all the money in the world, hen parties have turned into the most ridiculous faff!
Tell the bride you need help snd if she’s not keen then resign from the post.

I couldn’t go to a hen because of money years ago. It absolutely sucks. I couldn’t pull the money from anywhere to even go and that was before everything else! There will be people who won’t pay bills or will put something on a credit card because of you, Id say don’t do it but actually I don’t know what the alternative is if people want to go away

What is more important to the bride? Her friends or the destination?
A hen or stag do should be a day/night thing if budgets are limited.

Its very selfish for people to expect others to pay £250 for a hen do plus all the related costs of going to a wedding.

Tbh it’s rare everyone will go on a hen do id expect 8-10 out of 15 to attend.
you could say to bride x and x don’t want to pay the costs . We can either look for a cheaper location or accept they don’t want to go. Do you have a preference or shall I manage it?

Ask the bride what is more important to her - the location or the full list of guests?

Look MNers tend to hate hen dos so you’re not going to get fair responses.
It certainly isn’t the norm to have a (main) hen do of just a night out with everyone going home at the end of the night IME unless you’re over the age of 50. Maybe 40 years ago yes it was.
Honestly speak to the bride but I think the way forward will be for the weekend away and then a local night out for those that can’t attend the weekend.
Those with the £100 budget is this just for accommodation or activities too?

Are you serious?

You can't ask people to subsidise others that they may not even know.

I'm all for community and sharing - I frequently subsidise holidays for my own friends - but many of these people are likely complete strangers to each other. I would not be comfortable on either end of that arrangement (paying for others, or others paying for me).

If the bride insists on everyone coming, they should just do something cheaper that accommodates everyone's budget. It might just be a day trip or a night out. That's what they can afford. Those who have a bit more money to spare could spend it on a nice gift for the bride, or they could go away separately if the bride is OK with not everyone coming to that part.

When organising a group activity, you work to the lowest budget.

You need to be honest with the bride. If you go ahead with this plan there are going to be drop outs pushing the price up further.

The bride just wants to relax and there are nearly no activities. So why does it have to be in a specific (and expensive) location?

"someone has to compromise, but it shouldn’t be the bride."

Err, why not?

If she's expecting an expensive weekend away with 15 people - that's something that she's likely gonna have to compromise on! - Either by making it cheaper, or some of those people not being able to come.

You need to talk to her and explain the situation. You can't just book it and exclude people.

When I got married years ago I had an old-school hen night - cocktails at a mate’s house, then visiting a few bars and finishing up with dancing. I also had a quiet UK weekend away in a cottage with close friends. Having a night out meant it was easy for everyone who wanted to come out and celebrate with me.
Your friend could do that? Have a simple night out as well?

Go out for dinner

Or they could do what people did in my day (I’m ancient…) - nice meal plus clubbing till the early hours……… the local friends put up the out-of-towners for the night, and everyone meets up for brunch the next day.

The bride needs to figure this out.

Honestly I went to one where the bride loves nice things (and loves her friends, but still wanted it her way). There were one or two friends who didn’t want an expensive place. The place we did to accommodate them wasn’t great, it was kind of tacky and old. The bride hated the trip, she was a bridezilla at the time and just wanted to relax and be spoiled, enjoy things she liked. Her mood set the tone. The hotel rooms vs a lodge took away the group feeling too. I think we all wished there had been a lodge stay in the end, at a nicer place and those who wanted it came and those who didn’t said no. Don’t feel bad, think about what your friend will want you to remember. If she’s a people pleaser then cheaper place, if she likes what she likes then do the more expensive one.

At £250 plus expenses the guests are easily looking at £450 which is a lot of money in the current climate. How many of the guests realistically can afford that? Bridezulla might need to realise if she wants her friends there she has something affordable snd shares a room. You need to speak her. Regardless jf she wants anything to do with it or not she needs to know her expecting certain things excludes some people

Listen to your boyfriend.

I do think a lot of the time (on these threads and real life) some people just like to moan about hen dos generally. Often it’s from people that have been married a while and are kind of “over” weddings because of that. I’ve been to ones abroad for multiple nights costing over £500 years ago. Being an older bride in my 40s most of my friends were already married. I did a daytime activity and nighttime meal/drinks only in the local area. No staying over. It cost everyone £45 each and just their own drinks and travel. People still complained it was too expensive.

What if they don't all live in the same place? I've organised two and both had to accommodate school friends, university friends, family, hobby friends, work friends - only a minority lived where the bride lived (and I didn't live in the same place as the bride either!). You can try and keep costs down as much as possible but in that scenario some accommodation costs are inevitable.

A boozy night at a pub and a male stripper was the norm before everyone became so bloody pretentious 😅