AIBU to ask my child to do prep for 11+ entrance papers and homework?

I think there is a slightly different issue underneath the prep question.

In my SEND/inclusion and specialist literacy work, I’ve seen this quite often with dyslexic pupils. If a child has had repeated experiences of being slower, being compared, getting visible marks back, or feeling exposed by tests, then “test” can start to mean “here comes another moment where I feel behind”.

That does not mean no preparation. It means the preparation has to rebuild safety as well as skill.

I’d avoid starting with Atom as “test prep” if she is already panicking. I’d start with 5–10 minutes, one question type, no scores at first, no timed element, and stop while it is still going well. The aim is familiarity, not performance.

I’d also separate entrance familiarisation from dyslexia support and from normal homework. If it all becomes one big project of “fixing school”, it may feel huge to her.

I would frame it as: “We are helping your brain recognise the types of questions so they feel less surprising on the day,” rather than “you need to practise to get in.”

From what you have said about visible marks and peer comparison, I can completely understand why her confidence has taken a hit. The aim is not to avoid challenge forever; it is to make challenge feel survivable again.

First, you don't ask a child. You tell them.

Second, you approach it with subtlety, so the issue is not polarised and it's natural. Don't set it out as a goal. That is an adult's way of thinking.

Every child is capable of understanding they have to work to achieve things though. Perhaps if you are looking at private schools the sports options might act as an incentive.

There are many, many private schools which cater for lots of varying needs - it's not possible for her to not be the right personality for all of them.

@Pigwig22 if you can afford it and they're all through schools, just move her now.

How about framing it as a ‘familiarisation’ paper? Tell her that the school will use it to see what she already knows and what they need to teach her. They’ll look at the work of everyone who completes it and use it to establish what to teach in year 7. Tell her that’s different to having a pass or fail mark, so she should do her best to show them what she knows but not worry too much about any gaps in her knowledge as they won’t mind.

OP I’d seriously consider moving her now.

I assume you’re in Kent given the schools you mention. Your primary will be obsessed with the Kent test plus SATs. Both of which are meaningless for a private school. Year 6 could be a SATs route march that won’t help her confidence.

Wonder if an executive function skills coach might be useful OP? Someone to look with her at what makes her so anxious about the prep and to help her work out what strategies fit her best to get her confidence up.

No. Mainstream independent schools are often terrible at SEN. There is no evidence to support the idea that smaller classes are better for dyslexia (there is for children with some other sorts of needs). It makes sense - smaller class, more time with the teacher, but it isn't supported by evidence.

Do have a look at CResTeD for their list of schools with a specialisation in dyslexia - many are independent schools offering withdrawal classes for English / maths, others offer different models of support.

If you're going to go for a school not on the CResTeD site, ask them questions - how many dyslexic children have been asked to leave in the last five years? What adjustments are made in mainstream lessons? Do any of the teaching / support staff have Level 5 / 7 qualifications in Dyslexia? How many pupils had access arrangements for the summer exams? Do they have any support from an Educational Psychologist ora teacher with additional qualifications in teaching dyslexic pupils?

OP my DD with AuDHD had to get tested for a more specific private school. Just tell her it’s so they know her level and how best to integrate her when she joins. It takes the pressure off.

Without being too outing it might be best to say which area you are in ? I am in Gloucestershire for example. So the grammar is super selective and the local schools don't look great on paper - 40% 4 and above for Maths and English and less in school activities etc however once you take into account that your child will most likely be in that 40% plus the excellent out of school activities and the fact the local area is very affluent then it's not bad at all. The grammar would be the worst choice for ours - the girls in her class are already hoity toity about prepping for grammar and she'd struggle once there due to little sen support. Better to be a medium fish in a smaller pond and then concentrate on flying high a little later.
In other areas posters might be able to give better advice.

Be careful.
Private does not equal better for dyslexic children. It needs to have excellent sen support and the ability to teach in different ways. You will also most likely still need to tutor on top of private school so factor that cost in. I have posted many times before of our experience. 9 yr old dyslexic ADHD twice exceptional girl. Very similar to how you described your child and at a similar state school now. She's much further behind and at least part of that is due to going to a private school who blinded us to the true extent of disability and also told us they were supporting her and she was within normal remit when she wasn't. 'Extra spelling and reading ' does not help with a dyslexic child if it's still being taught the same way. We ended up with a child who was super anxious and starting down a depressive route.
Despite not being anywhere near the top of the class she's much much happier being somewhere that works around her needs and doesn't care that she can't spell etc.
I would take the pressure right off now and give her brain time to develop more. Dyslexic kids start to suddenly catch up age 14 or so - that's the time to focus.
We all want the best for our kids but that doesn't always mean grammar or private is it. Make sure you take her head out of the rat race - so what if you don't get the grade you want. Just sit it again. The best adults I know in high powered jobs are the ones who failed and took a different route. You can spot the grammar school hot housed kids from a mile off and they always want 'extra time extra feedback extra hand holding'. It's exhausting.

I feel sorry for this little girl. Viewing 30 schools, considering moving house and putting this much research into schools will be putting a hell of a lot of pressure on her. No wonder she panics at the thought of sitting exams. She is probably pre empting your disappointment. I would seriously consider how much all this is affecting her childhood.

Look up selling rainbow mat and get one of those

This sounds absolutely dreadful! Is it even a school, with no staff or facilities?
I hope you manage to find a decent school for your child. What a worry 😟.

The interview was more like a chat to get to know my dd. She brought in a piece of work to show them (as requested), just so they had something to talk about really.

As long as your child speaks in her usual manner to them then she’ll be fine.

It’s just like chatting to any teacher at her school. It was 5 mins max.

What are they using to help her spell?

It's not excessive as long as they are nice and she gets on with them.

So i think you need to talk to her about the tests and whether she thinks this is enough or whether she needs more support or if there is a particular aid that would help her to feel more confident about the test, and if she comes up with something then advocate on her behalf for her to be able to use it in the test.

Can your DD read and spell properly ?

Back to the original question then as her dyslexia tutor is obviously irelavant...can you get her a tutor !