AIBU to feel sad and deflated about having a baby with my partner?

I have two children with different fathers, my first marriage ended just after our daughter was born, I am now remarried and we live together as a four (my elder daughter's father has very little contact time with her). My second daughter being born was no less magical or amazing because I had done it before. It was still incredibly special at every milestone. Each scan, check-up, test, the first, the postpartum, all of it was just as perfect and important with a second as with the first.

She is married.

Hard agree. So many on this thread telling OP to ignore her feelings or go to therapy.

This is a good point.

I don't understand the feelings - at ALL - but they're there, and you shouldn't have a child with someone when you feel this way. Even if it's not logical.

As if I’m going to be checking the thread with a fine tooth comb for the OP’s poxy breadcrumbs. Completely weird to write an entire post referring to her husband as her partner. The post reads entirely differently if you swap partner for husband.

Changes my answer not a jot. His use of “broody” is creepy and she’s repulsed at the thought of having a kid with him. What woman decides to bring a child into the world with a man when she’s having feelings like this? I think the OP is brushing it off and calling herself “toxic” when actually her gut is already giving her the right answer: marry someone who isn’t forevermore tied to their ex and have a baby where it’s the first for both of you.

Irrational and toxic...sadness...utter revulsion......so sad.... weird and just pathetic...
Strong language in your OP should give you a clue that you have really strong gut feelings. You're feeling guilty about them and trying to push them away and fight them but imho we shouldn't ignore gut feelings.

This can only really be read one way. You don't want to have a baby with your DH.

I don't really understand why you feel the way you do.

Your partner sounds like a good man and, more important, a good dad. He had a one night stand and has fully supported the mother of his child throughout the pregnancy, and to this point, even though he doesn't like her. He has 50% custody of his child, who is delightful.

He can't control her mother's behaviour. She sounds shitty but that's not on him. He has never been a significant part of her life or lifestyle. How she behaves is NOT cool, but why do you think it reflects on him?

I can understand you being a bit sad that any child you have together won't be his first, and so you won't get to share all the firsts together. But it will be the first pregnancy he's been through with a woman he loves and respects. Every pregnancy is different, every newborn is different, every child is different. He's never had your baby, with you. This WILL be the first time.

And honestly, he sounds like a keeper because whatever goes wrong in your relationship, you KNOW he's a good dad. If your marriage fails for whatever reason, he will not abandon you or your child.

I don't understand what's holding you back beyond he had unprotected sex once. You'll struggle to find a partner that hasn't had sex with someone and regretted it. But he has lived by the consequences, fully. He sounds ace.

@Converselyit

I think it would help if you urgently asked MNHQ to edit your thread title to say husband instead of partner.

And indeed throughout your first post. Or get them to delete it and repost with an accurate description of your relationship. 'Partner' isn't helping here.

Maybe my response is less valid because I haven’t been in the same situation as OP, but aren’t most men excited for the second, third etc babies as much as they were first time? My DH was. Scans were just as exciting in subsequent pregnancies, preparing, meeting the new arrival etc. The fact he/we had done it before didn’t make it any less special. My DH had been married before we met and I didn’t not have a wedding on the grounds he’d done it before. I’m not trying to invalidate your feelings OP, just gently saying your husband obviously wants to have kids with you. I wouldn’t over think the part that he’s done it before.

This is clearly a really difficult situation to be in OP, but actually I think your DH (he's not just your DP - you're married!) is a good guy. He is taking his responsibility to his DD seriously, parenting 50:50 with this nightmare of a woman he got pregnant by mistake, and doing the right thing.

I understand you feeling a bit sad that any DC you have with him won't be his first, but he sounds like a good dad. In your situation, if you want to have DC, I would do so without hesitating. You know he's a good dad, he is your DH and he wants to have DC with YOU. He didn't choose to have a DC with the other woman, it was an accident that he has stepped up and is doing his best with.

Winner of not reading the update, that was posted 15 minutes before your post goes too….. your want to get in and kick the OP overtook clearly,

@Converselyit its a totally different situation, I wonder if what you are feeling is something I felt ahead of having my second child, “how will I love this one as much”? You’re clearly a very loving SM and this maybe a bit of a worry for you? I can confirm your love doubles not halves.

And yet you refer to him as your 'partner'?

this is an excellent reply! I agree.

then why say partner, its husband.

I felt very much like this when I was pregnant for the first time. My husband had done everything before -- marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, babies. It was the first time for me. It made me so sad. And I found it really unsettling and hard that he had shared the incredible intimacy of childbirth with someone else. So I completely understand how you feel.

To encourage you -- I think this has become less and less important as we have grown our own family and our marriage has matured. I still mourn slightly for that experience of being first time parents, an experience we never shared. But he is a great Dad (to all his children) and a great husband.

However, do NOT underestimate the fact that this is one difficult aspect of step-parenting. There are so many others. There is so much sacrifice ahead.

So yes:

1. Your DH has shared childbirth with someone else.
2. Your DH is not a first time dad (though you are a first time mum)

But also:

1. You will come home from hospital to a multiple child household (no time to just be first time parents together)
2. Your financial decisions (full/part time work/budgeting/holidays/housing) will be affected by the fact that your DH is supporting another child.
3. Your child will have less time with their Dad because you will have to protect the time he spends with his older daughter.
4. The values of your household will be affected by the values of another household you have no control over as your SD moves between two homes.
5. Your lives will be impacted for at least the next 12 years by someone who you describe as difficult.
6. You will have to put up with the disruption and difficulties which are created by ALL children, but one of them won't be yours.
7. Many, many others.

I completely underestimated how difficult this was all going to be, and how much sacrifice it would demand from me. I would still have made the same decision as my DH is wonderful, but I still wish that I had considered everything more carefully in advance. Step families are often disastrous because people don't think through what is ahead and then can't do the sacrifice. You have to be willing to give up so much, otherwise it will be a disaster.

Do not have a baby until this man has married you...

Having a baby with you, his wife, would be completely different to his experience with his ONS. He did the right thing in supporting her through the pregnancy but he did it for his DD. He wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t his baby. But with you, you’re in a committed relationship, it’s something you choose to do together and it’s one of the greatest experiences a couple can have (if they both want it) You’ve chosen to get married, did you not discuss children beforehand?

It's a bit unfair that you married him knowing he wants children but have doubts you will ever want on with him. I think your thoughts are a bit irrational, I don't usually agree with endless therapy, but in your case perhaps talking to someone would help you to see that him having a child that he has taken care of really well shows he would be a good dad to your children. How the child was conceived was a bit unfortunate, but we all do foolish things sometimes. It will be nothing like the same him helping you through pregnancy and birth as it was when he was doing it as 'a duty' rather than a loving husband.

But this will be the first time he has a baby with someone he loves in a committed relationship. He will get to feel exited and prepare everything with you.

It will be a very different experience for him.

Well winner of the most confusing OP post goes to… Why are you saying partner instead of husband? The answers will be completely different if you’re married or unmarried because it raises questions about him.

If you’re married then you knew what you were agreeing to and knew this would come around. I still think a man saying he’s “broody” is completely gross. And I couldn’t be with someone when I’m feeling “utter revulsion” about. You’re tied to his ex in some way for the rest of your life. She’s always on the periphery.

I think having a baby with you would be an entirely different thing for him. You are in a committed relationship and it would be the first time he gets to go through all of the pregancy stages with somebody he actaully loves. Is it mainly the pregnancy stage that is bothering you, or is it also actually bringing a child up with him? The pregnancy goes by in a flash and you know what he is like as a parent now, so that is the bit you get to look forward to.

You can’t help feeling that way. But he made a mistake, he owned the mistake and did the right thing when a lot of men would have just walked away. You can’t blame him for that.

If you aren’t going to have the planned baby with him, it would be fairer to end the relationship because he wants more children.

A man I know who had one child with his ex (he is still actively involved with his child) said, 'I thought I wouldn't want to do it all over again. Turns out you do - with the right person.' He has two more children with his current partner.

Sounds like you are providing a loving home to one child already. You can do this!

Honestly I would give this no headspace whatsoever. Youve already married him and intend to have kids with him. Every time a sad or negative feeling about this comes into your head just push it away- lightly- nope! I'd put money in you getting over it pretty quickly once you fall pregnant. Your baby together will feel joyful regardless of what he's done in the past before he even knew you.