AIBU to feel sad and deflated about having a baby with my partner?

I’m going to take a leap and say that there are deeper feelings there towards having a baby that you are having right now and the fact you’ve got a lot going on with DSD and her mum is just the tip of the ice berg and something you’ve put your feelings down too.

You've been with this man for 3 years, married and have known about his situation with his daughter. Life isn’t dream world unfortunately, and even if they were happily in a relationship before - a lot of relationships turn sour and can result in unhappy co-parenting relationships. My friend was married for 10 years and her ex is a total pig to deal with, with their toddler. One night stand or relationship, it really doesn’t change the outcome sometimes.

You sound like a brilliant step mum and you can feel sad for your step daughter but these feelings are separate to having your first baby with your husband.

I think you need to have a solid chat, maybe even a bit of counselling to decide if you actually do want a child.

Those are all questions she could have even if they had been married.

That’s just the part of being a blended family.

Some of it her mum needs to do the explaining of in an age appropriate way.

Because no sane man is going to suddenly settle down with a ons with two possible other baby daddies. Let’s face it.

Yes she will likely feel jealous that the new baby gets to live with daddy but as I said that would have happened if they had been married or not. You decided to marry a man with a child that’s the deal.

Then I think you should listen to that panic. Don’t have a baby. Have therapy. Talk through exactly what you’re feeling. It may be that this simply isn’t the relationship for you, that you need to find someone without a child. We’ve all walked away at some point from someone we loved because the circumstances weren’t right. This sounds like one of those times.

Just wondering if you would would feel the same if it was your second pregnancy. Would that child not be as special as the 1st.

Every pregnancy is full of hope and joy. This time your DH will experience it in a loving relationship with his daughter there to share the excitement.

It’ll be his first time doing it all WITH YOU.
His prior experience may actually prove helpful.
You have no worries about him still having feelings for her, he never did.
He’s clearly a good Dad who has always put the needs of his DD first.

I don’t really get the issue tbh. Are you sure you want kids of your own? It’s ok if you don’t…

Life can’t be planned.
I understand you; I’m happy that my children are also my husband’s only children, and yes, if you are in a happy marriage it is preferable, but there are plenty of things in my life that are just down to how things worked out. You make the most of the hand you were dealt or you change it knowing that you can’t know which cards are coming.

Don’t base your life on a fairy tale. This is a little like when some parents to be are disproportionately upset when their child isn’t their preferred sex. They have an idea of what they want, and it prevents them feeling true happiness in what they actually have.

Yabu. Husbands have often done things with other women before you've done them together. Had sex, been in relationships, gone on holidays, moved in together, got engaged, and in your case had a baby with someone they aren't in a relationship with.

You two have things that only the two of you have done though including getting married! This would also be the first planned child, the first time trying to conceive, the first one that is both of yours, the first that will live with you both full time. It would be a whole different experience this time for him and for you.

Are you willing to never be a mother because of this? It's fine if you are but I certainly wouldn't let it stand in my way.

It's all brand new because its with you and its another baby entirely. Even if you had more than one baby, the next will be just as special because each pregnancy and baby is unique. Your stepdaughter is also here as another family member to welcome the baby, be a big sister, what a lovely situation to potentially have to look forward to :)

Do you want a kid, just not with this man? (You haven't mentioned wanting to raise a person, just what your husband wants)

I'm childfree and nothing on earth could get me on even one date with a man who had a kid.

The decision is yours as it would be you risking your life, body, health, mental health, income and freedom time to gestate, birth and likely be default parent to a child.

Lol what kind of shit men do you know? The ONS, sure - but no protection, maybe you need better friends?

I think to feel a bit sad is understandable (although I would hope you could move past that) but I am a bit concerned that you feel utterly revolted. Did you feel like this before you got married? If so why did you marry him and if not, what changed?

I actually would see these things as really positive. He really stepped up for his child, lots of men could do with taking a leaf out of his book.

Admittedly I can't get my head round why you'd prefer him to have done this before in a committed relationship vs essentially a ONS, but maybe I'm framing it as a jealousy when actually that isn't what you are feeling?

Do you actually want to have a child with him?

Sadly once you get to a certain age there are very few men who don’t have children/ previous relationships!! And the same for women, the world is going to be a very lonely place by your standards!!

He is a good man. He stepped up as he should he went to the scans and the birth to support the woman carrying his child. Thats good. Even if she was pretty much a ons. It would be worse if he hadn’t.

Just because he has done it before doesn’t take away from the future because this time would be with a person he loves and is married to.

I’d actually see that as better than being a new or current love the mother of his child was merely an old school friend shag not even an ex. None of the lovely cuddling up on the sofa hand on bump feeling kicks dozing off. The proper excitement he was having to go through dns tests and such during the pregnancy. Not love or nice.

I agree with this post. I really don’t think you should dismiss these feelings or rationalize them away. They sound quite significant. They may be your intuition speaking. Get into therapy if you can. Questions to ask yourself

1. is it that you don’t trust him on some level?
2. how did the broody comment strike you?
3. do you secretly worry that he wants children more than he wants you?
4. has he ever cheated on you?
5. do you want escape which children would foreclose?

I'm so sorry, OP. That sounds really tough. It sounds out there, but would it be possible for your DH to get primary custody of your DSD and for you to adopt her? You sound like a very caring person and her mother sounds negligent.

i think you are looking this as a negative but you have a daughter already. You have gained somebody you love dearly.
Your husband has committed to you. It will be entirely different and unique experience. Every pregnancy is different and special. Has he been a good dad to his daughter?
I think you would benefit from some counselling to work out what is going on for you?

I’m sorry you are feeling like this. It does make sense from someone who also feels children and parenthood are sacred parts of life. I wonder how your husband feels about it and whether this is affecting you? Like: are children just objects to collect or a chore or is there another side which is about love, relationships, values and fun?
I think if your husband has a different perspective but it feels right to you despite being different that that’s ok too.
Life is complicated and holding a torch of love and valuing her for who she is will make a big and positive difference to your SD’s life. As well as educating her about how she would like to live her relationships. I hope you can find a way to making the right decision for you.
It will be hard for your SD as she wasn’t “chosen” and her DM isn’t great. I’m sure you can discuss it with her and live it out with her in a positive way .

It appears as though the OP changed from 'partner' to 'married' because a PP asked...

"Has your partner asked if he could marry you or has he just asked if he could get you pregnant?"

It doesn’t change my opinion, but she should edit her post.

Grand thanks

These are very important questions, OP!

Are you feeling ok, Jenny?