AIBU to feel sad and deflated about having a baby with my partner?

I specifically chose not to date men with children already as I felt the exact same way.

In this case, it sounds like you're more worried/stressed by the complexity of blended family life. To be honest, blended families ARE more complicated than nuclear families, all other things being equal, and they don't get any less complicated over time, just different, in my experienceat least. It sounds like your situation is a bit more complicated than most due to social services involvement etc. If the thought of it is already making you panic, I would really suggest thinking about whether it's right for you sooner rather than later.

You can’t help the way you feel and no amount of advice with change your gut feeling. I wonder if some therapy might help so you can dig a bit deeper into why this bothers you so much. I think there’s a difference between feeling a bit sad that you’re not having the same ‘first’ experience to how much it’s impacting you.

I know some people are very anti blended families, and would never have children with someone who has them already. But that doesn’t sound like you have that view, otherwise you wouldn’t have married and planned to have children with him. So I’d not put pressure on yourself to have a baby unless you can work through those feelings

Absolutely gobsmacked at the replies and glad to see more people like yourself saying otherwise!

I would also ask your DH if he's happy with the situation his DD is in, as the daughter may end up with you full time if this situation escalated even more. Would you be happy with this?

A lot has happened in the three years you’ve been with your DH. That’s quite a short timespan to have started dating, met his child, started living together and got married (in which ever order you did these). How long have you known your DSD and how long have you been living together?

On top of all these major changes you have had the complications of DSD’s mother’s behaviour and coming to terms with the effects of that on your lives.

I certainly wouldn’t be in any rush to have a baby until you have had some time to decide what you want.

I’m actually really surprised at most of the replies on this thread. It’s fine to want to have your first baby with someone for whom it is also their first baby. (It’s fine to want a baby with someone who already has children too, but it doesn’t sound like that’s your situation.)

As a PP pointed out, it's OPs wants and plans that matter. All women can choose to date/live with/marry whatever man they want, and plan what sort of life that choice will result in.
Regardless, it's unclear whether OP wants to have a kid or not.

You’re not being unreasonable.

This is a sign that you should leave because this will never disappear. The affect of your stepdaughter’s mum on your own future children is a stress and problem you simply do not have to worry about if you are not with this person. This will come up later on and always be a potential issue.

Listen to your heart. It’s telling you something. The sadness is the grief for a future life you don’t want to have.

So don’t.

I’m going against the grain here OP and saying you’re allowed to change your mind. You can decide you don’t want to go ahead with any of it.

In a similar situation (although I have a child with my partner already), and completely understand how you feel, however irrational it is on a logical basis. Someone on another step parent thread said something that resonated with me: it's hard being with someone who's already been married and/or had children, as your 'firsts' aren't their 'firsts', no matter how much your partner tells you otherwise. I don't know what the solution is - for me, things haven't gotten any easier with time. Perhaps therapy would help but I haven't tried it. I have started to feel it's maybe just a mindset/personality thing, and some people cope better emotionally with these situations than others. If I were you, and with the benefit of hindsight, I would suggest you think really hard about whether this situation can make you happy long term, or if you'll always struggle with it - perhaps speak to a therapist to work out your feelings. It's ok to feel how you feel, but don't ignore it and let it breed resentment, as that won't help anyone.

100%

Sadly the young don’t often have that maturity. I myself had a shit relationship in my 20’s/ 30’s and it’s only by experiencing that that I now know what I am and am not willing to put up with!

Hi op,

I know this isn’t what you asked, but i wouldn’t have a child with your DH because of his connection to his ex and her partner - social services, drinking and criminal record would be an absolute deal breaker for me when considering to bring another child into this mix.

It’s not about what he should have done (contraception and not having one night stands!)

Rather, it’s about what she should be doing.

Your feelings are valid. I would recommend having some counselling, either alone or as a couple. X

Well there’s baggage and there’s baggage. A life lesson for young women: sort out your relationships sooner rather than later. And if you leave it too late, have some standards.

A couple of thoughts about this.

First, it’s common even when you have your first child together to wonder whether it will be as special second time round, whether you’ll feel the same excitement, whether you’re capable of loving another child as much as you love your first. But these worries are almost always completely misplaced. Having a baby- first, second or third- is always a wonderful experience and each baby is a different person. It’s really isn’t less special because it’s his second. And in terms
of your relationship this is the first time he’s going through it with a woman he loves.

Second, I wonder whether part of this is about your wishes for a “perfect” experience- a sort of Hallmark ideal of what having a baby is like. Well, you won’t get that whoever the father is. Every pregnancy, birth and babyhood + childhood is different and complex and pretty much guaranteed to have something sub optimal about it. Nobody gets a Hallmark experience- there will be something that’s difficult or sad or painful (even if it’s only sleepless nights and stretch marks). Part of being ready to have a baby is being ready for a reality that’s unpredictable and imperfect. So it may be worth giving some thought to whether you’re ready now or would prefer to wait.

Well, to an extent. But not sure what this man could have done differently? Once she was pregnant really he had no option, he could have walked away but then he would be criticised for that too.

OP hasn’t said whether contraception was used or not, if not then yeah okay he should have done that, but beyond that as a man once she was pregnant I’m not sure what planning he could have done.

Why are posts like this minimising the OP’s situation as a totally normal life experience? “All men have had relationships, sex, holidays with exes, lived with exes… oh and carry the baggage of a child from a one night stand with a woman who has social services involvement”

Christ almighty.

Oh absolutely there are a lot of shite relationships about, especially blended families however if you find yourself single in middle age the chances of finding a a partner without ‘baggage” is very unlikely!! When I was online dating all the men I chatted to had kids or were exceptionally weird! and DH said the same of the women! He was very surprised that I didn’t have kids and was perfectly normal!!

Life can, and absolutely should be planned.

People choose what they’re happy to put up with in life. I wouldn’t be with a man who had a child already, so yes that’s my standard. Mumsnet is full of posts by resentful women being treated like shit caring for their child and their husband’s (/partner’s!) children from previous relationships. It’s always women picking up the slack of kids that aren’t even their own.

I suppose if OP wants to avoid being lonely then she can disregard the revulsion she’s feeling and crack on. That’s very much up to her.

YANBU.
You're unsettled. Probably due to the Mum and the way she fobs off her DD to you at a whim and with SS being involved. Is there a chance that DH could go for full custody of DD? I'd say there's a bigger chance of the Mum being a deliberate PITA when she finds out you're pregnant. And she will know - DSD will tell her (through excitement if nothing else).

Ultimately, do you want a baby with him? If you're not ready or are now unsure just make sure your birth control method is secure IYSWIM. Don't let him have an "accident".

In his defence the fact that he maintains such good contact with your DSD despite her mother being a bit of a nightmare makes him sound like someone who actually does understand the responsibilities of parenting, which makes him a unicorn on MN.

I think you also need to think that it is possible that at some point DSD may have to live with you full time. Which would change a lot of things.

Also with the ss involvement and her wanting you guys to have her longer don’t be surprised if she doesn’t become a more than 50/50 child.