AIBU to feel sad and deflated about having a baby with my partner?

Nobody's perfect, and 'seeing past the baggage' is required of both people in a relationship, if you're ever to have one! The problem is where to draw the line. What cracks in someone's past or personality will turn out not to matter - and which will bring the house down?

If I were you OP, I'd take heed of my gut reaction, the panicky way I describe the situation (toxic, weird, overwhelmingly sad, utter revulsion), and take a step back.

If you're wondering whether YABU to have these feelings, of course you aren't, they're your feelings. At the same time, they're more worrying than the usual misgivings someone might have about having a child, even in a fairly new relationship.

Whether your feelings stem from your own psychology and experiences... or from DH's slightly chaotic sexual history and desire for lots of children... or the thought of you and your future family being bound for life to a very troubled woman... or all of the above... nobody can answer.

Personally I don't think these are small issues, and you do have reason to be very cautious about bringing a baby into this scenario.

You're obviously very fond of DSD. And you're married to her father, and love him too. But neither of these things means you have no choice in your future. Nothing is inevitable. I'd say, give it time. Make it clear to DH that you're just not ready to have children. A partner who puts your needs first will not pressure you further.

You’re not irrational, I felt similarly (despite actually having a child of my own but who I had lone parented since I was 10 weeks pregnant). I was very sad that I wouldn’t be the first person he had a baby with. In reality though what everyone says about all your first still being firsts with him are true, plus he has never really had a baby ‘with’ someone as he wasn’t in a relationship and the reality is that every baby/child is different so all the milestones and moments are different. If you can’t get past it then get some counselling, but don’t put off having a child you want because of this, as it will become a non-issue once you have a child of your own. Might be worth making clear to him you don’t want any comparisons made to his ex or comments on ‘oh we did it this way’ etc. as that will be hurtful.

This would be the first time your husband gets to experience ante-natal appointments, scans etc and childbirth with the woman he loves, though. I think that would make it extra special for him.

You really need to speak to him, tell him how you’re feeling. I reckon he’ll want to reassure you.

YABU @Converselyit . Your husband didn't want a baby yet he took responsability after a ONS. All credit to him. Sounds like a stand up guy to me who would love to have children with the woman he loves.

You sound like a lovely woman. I too have a step son and understand that sadness of having a baby with someone when they already have a child.

I personally would feel it more if your SD had came from a loving relationship with your partner because at least you know there was no love or history there as such.

you honestly sound like an amazing step mammy to your beautiful SD I wish more step parents where like you… it’s sounds like she would be better of with you guys full time. I really hope her mother steps up as it will be so hard for a 6 year old not having any stable home with mum. I’m so glad you love on her like you do. If and when you do have a baby with your partner remember it will be very different for him since the first time around and your baby will be made from love and it will be so exciting as a little family involving your SD. Don’t throw a good thing away just because of this reactive jealousy. Iv been through all of that and at the age of 41 those feelings have left me due to the fact that no one is like me therefore I cannot compare to others I can only take stock of my own life and make the best of life. I wish you luck and again well done for being the best step mum. 🌸🌸🌸

To be honest I would be more worried that he had unprotected sex with a woman he knew to be vulnerable ... he was there to help her with a problem not to take advantage of the situation and have sex ... and whose sex life was chaotic having unprotected sex with multiple partners.
Not the action of an honourable man.

I get it, I'm very glad me and DH have only had kids together. I would personally find it gross if he'd had children from a ONS.

So now you have to make a choice. You can try and work through it but think carefully before trying for a baby.

I think I understand where you're coming from - you want to bring a baby into a loving, stable family, not a scenario where social services are (even tangentially) involved. But presumably you love this man, and you have a huge advantage over most women starting a family in that you already know he's a loving dad. You're already living the dream, even if it's not neatly packaged up with a bow on top.

You have a choice to make now @Converselyit.

You either accept it and dont allow it you bother you, or you carry on letting it negatively impact you.

Either way your life continues, you have chosen this man, and he has a child with this woman.

None of those things change based on what you decide to do - but your happiness levels could drastically increase by making peace with it.

I have 4 children...so I had done it all before by baby number 2..I love them no less, I enjoyed (or didn't ) every stage with each one no less. I would imagine a planned pregnancy he wants will mean he is actually there with you and for you not just doing the right thing like he was last time, back then he was probably pretty overwhelmed and anxious and thus time he is looking forward to doing things properly with the woman he loves ❤️

I wonder if the one night stand is a red herring and maybe it is more about potentially bringing a child into a complicated slightly unstable situation? I get that. I think it's a really good idea to post to get more insight into where your feelings might be coming from.

It is lovely that your thoughts are first and foremost about your DSD and concern for her. It sounds like you have a lovely bond. I don't think a baby would upset that especially if she was to take on the important role of big sister. There are things you can control - being a loving stepmum, being a loving mum to a new baby, and things you can't - the behaviour of your DSD's mum.

Hope you can work out your feelings! It is complicated but you sound a very caring person who would be a wonderful mum to a new baby.

He may be “broody” but having a child full time is very very different to having one every other week. And you would likely be the one making most of the sacrifices OP. He sounds a bit childish to be honest. You are right to have concerns about a blended family, although they are not necessarily reasons to not have a baby. DH needs to stop living in fairyland and be willing to have a proper discussion about how things would work in practice, what you’d tell his DSD and how he would manage DSD’s mother having a lax attitude to the days she has her daughter.

Not RTFT. I said that you were being unreasonable but I do get that feelings aren't always rational.

Can you turn round your thinking on this? You say that you love your DSD and love being a step-mother. Hopefully your husband is a good and loving father. I'm guessing that part of what attracted you to your now husband was seeing him being a father. Don't start wishing your DSD and your husband's qualities as a father out of existence by getting hung up on "firsts" which you knew before you married were not possible. In fact, by step-parenting a young child, you've actually had an opportunity to get some practice at parenting skills before having your own child. (God knows, we could have done with some practice before we had ours - we hadn't the first clue what we were doing!).

And there are firsts here also which is that you and your husband would be having a baby as a committed couple rather than the way it happened first time round. You say you want children; your husband wants children; you're already married; you love your DSD and have a great relationship with her. Sounds like a lot of vital boxes have been ticked. Unless deep down you think you have made a mistake marrying this man and that he is not the man for you, why are you focussing on a thing which cannot be changed and which is not really relevant in the scheme of things?

Op, how old are you? I am assuming fairly young and I wonder whether you just don't feel ready to have children yet and so you're looking for reasons why. You don't need reasons. If it doesn't feel like the right time then be straight with your dh and say that you don't feel quite ready and please can you revisit in 2 years time or whatever.

On another note I think you're idealising having children a little. Look on the plus side - he knows what it is like to have to care for a baby and still wants more! At least you know he's not going to check out if things get exhausting.

I’m commenting on a public forum with my opinions. You seem overly interested in what I have to say. Try not to worry about it.

I don’t think it would actually make you less sad if he’d loved the woman he had a baby with tbh. If you’re married already and want children I think it’s quite odd that you’re having this reaction - the options are surely eventually baby or divorce… do you want to leave him?

OP, do you want to have a baby right now? It is perfectly fine if you don't.

My DH had 2 DC already and whilst in theory if you had asked me when I was younger that might not have been my preference but actually it was an advantage. Our DD got 2 siblings and he was really good with a baby. I think I would have been much more anxious with a newborn with someone else new to it but he was really relaxed and was, if anything, better placed with number 3 thanks to his prior experience. He does quite like a baby in fairness and that definitely helps.

I am not sure why the nature of DSD's conception is causing you a problem now when you have already married this man. Surely, in retrospect, it was a stroke of luck that this happened as it resulted in DSD. I think it would be worth exploring why this is bothering you with someone independent as even you sound not entirely sure why this is a problem. You are absolutely right to listen to yourself on this issue but I think a bit more thinking about why you feel like this would be worth doing.

We all have a past: I am assuming DH wasn't your only boyfriend. It is unusual for you to be happy to get married and then get cold feet at the baby stage, unless I am missing something here. You've had the benefit of seeing what kind of dad he is, which definitely clinched it for me with DH. It was kind of 'try before you buy' on that score. Not everyone gets to do that and Mumsnet is full of people who are dissatisfied with the parent their spouse became to put it mildly. You've had a preview.

What is it you're actually sad about OP? That your child isn't his first?

I think this is something you need to try and get over, with therapy if needed.

1. He sounds like a good dad, not loads of dad's would step up after a one night stand

1. It will be a very different experience, he hasn't done this before with someone he has been in a relationship with

1. If it helps you put in context, lots of people have more than one child with the same person. My second child is not any less special to me because it wasn't the first time we experienced all the pregnancy, birth and early childhood milestones. I'm pretty sure other parents feel the same.

Your husband had a ONS with someone who he knew as a teenager, and reconnected with (on a very basic level!). That ONS resulted in your step-daughter, and your husband supported the mother of his child through the scans, pregnancy and birth. No, the baby wasn't the result of a loving long-term relationship and planned. However, your husband did the right thing by his daughter's Mum....he stuck around for the scans, pregnancy, birth and presumably pays maintenance and is involved in his daughter's life.

There's plenty of men out there, in the same situation, who would have buggered off, and refused to take any responsibility for their own part. Leaving the woman to go through the pregnancy and birth on her own, whilst trying to get out of paying maintenance and having nothing to do with the child.

You are fixating on the fact your partner has gone through pregnancy with someone one else. The situation is entirely different. With you, his wife, it would be much more emotional, he'd be going through all those same things because he loves you and wants a baby with you. He went through it all before out of a sense of obligation and because it was the 'right' thing to do.

We tend to put Mum's on a pedestal, because we think women are maternal and nurturing but there are a lot of women out there, that have children, who really shouldn't. Your step-daughter's Mum sounds like one of those women, who will put a man, and what she wants way before their child. The child is an inconvenience, and they can't be bothered with parenting..in essence way too selfish.

You feel how you feel but he's shown you that he's a good dad and if he's a supportive co-parent to someone he dislikes, you know you can depend on him. Not many men would do what he's doing. I'm not saying he's a hero for doing that but it's still true.

You must do what’s right for you but just to offer some thoughts. I think it’s tricky to unpack all this.

He’s done this all before - he was at the scans, at the birth and has supported another woman through pregnancy. A woman he actively says he dislikes
But he did this not for the woman but for the child’s sake. He never loved her. Going to the scans with a woman he loves is going to be a first for him.

The other stuff re DSD’s mum is tough because it sounds like she’s hard work. This isn’t going to go away and I can understand if the thought of having to continue navigating this is not something you feel you want to do. I guess the only thing you can do is be honest with your partner and see how you can work through it as team.

I don’t have a huge deal of advice, but I did just want to stop to say the following:

Every pregnancy, labour and child is different. Every time a parent has a new child they are learning new things that they didn’t know before. New challenges they didn’t have with a previous child. You and your DH having a baby together won’t be a “been there, done that, I know EXACTLY what I’m doing” situation from him. Every parent is winging it and learning as we all go along as every child is different and brings new challenges every single day. He’ll be learning as you go along, just as you will be.

I'm not sure if I fully followed in your post what the relevance is of DSDs mum situations. Don't get me wrong, she sounds like a nightmare to coparent with but I don't understand why you would prefer DH to have had DSD within a relationship such as your own if your fear is that he's done it before. Surely if you two had a child it would actually be very different to the circumstances he did it before in?

Also, are you sure you want a baby ? You don't have to just because your partner is broody. I would think meeting, getting married and becoming a stepparent within 3 years is already a massively upheaval of your life, unless you're very keen on children and time isn't on your side, what's the rush?

SD mum contacted him one night to help with a situation she was in, and ultimately they slept together and she got pregnant. She told him over text, got DNA testing organised (2 other potential dads) and told him that he was the dad. My partner told her he wanted to support his child.

A totally separate issue….but did he actually see and understand the DNA results for himself because it sounds like she just told him he was the father, when there were two others in the frame ….(maybe because he was the best/most reliable option?).

I would put trying for a baby on hold (no matter your current feelings) until things are more settled with DSD. Has DH ever asked for more than 50;50 due to mum's chaotic life choices?

If you do decide at some point to have a child with DH it will be different for him as he will be having a child with someone he loves and is in a relationship with. Am assuming scans etc were a tad awkward with mum of DSD