AIBU to feel sad and deflated about having a baby with my partner?

So why did you marry him then if you can't stand him?

I managed to find a good man who was in his early 40s and had no children - I had two from a previous marriage (about 6 and 9 at the time).
We are now married with a 6 yo daughter.
His first and last (he's had a vasectomy).
Don't think we'd be wanting any more at 45 and 50!! 😆

I don’t understand why you got married to him if this is the case . Surely you discussed the issue of having children before getting married . Anyway now that you are in this position I would definitely not have a child with him . You are in no rush and he shouldn’t pressure you . Leave it a while and see if your feelings change .

Look your gut is telling you something here, albeit too late, but it’s worth taking a step back

personally, I think your concerns are valid. This isn’t how you envisioned your marriage or pregnancy/parenthood to be. He did possibly have sex with someone he hates for the sake of it, someone who was known to be vulnerable and chaotic etc. and it’s valid for you to feel that it she would be disruptive in future / be disruptive to your own children

but ultimately this may mean the end of your marriage, given you can’t stand him atm it’s probably a good thing to split up before new kids are involved

I have read all your answers and would say this.

Your husband had a ONS, owned up to it and, accepted his responsibilities. How many other men have not regardless of circumstances.

How many women do you think have a ONS. Certainly perhaps not as many as men however, the reality is that it happens on both sides. Technically given they had a relationship from their extreme early teens it probably was not.

He is no doubt trying to keep the peace with the Mother of his child. It sounds very much as if she has major issues stemming from childhood and teenage years. He got caught, he stood up and is still dealing with it.

If you love your DSD so much, have you thought of seeking 100% custody given her chaotic lifestyle and subsequent partners. Have you even thought of that, let alone given it as an option to your husband.

Was he even there for the birth, sounds not given DNA needed to be done on two other potential fathers thereafter. Why would you even consider that should affect you now.

It sounds more like you have an issue not your husband. Do you actually want a child or are finding excuses not to have one. If you were as secure in your relationship and loved your DSD like you say, then it would not matter one bit.

The onus is on you not him, not his ONS and certainly not your DSD.

Your problem seems to stem from the fact she was probably his first love and you are not. It does not negate his love for you now and wanting a family. He married you and did not stay with her despite the pregnancy. That should tell you everything.

Get over it, move on and be a happy unit or, as they say now, a blended family.

If you can't do that then leave, and let a very good man have a chance at having a proper family life like he is asking for.

Good luck at whatever age you are now finding a man that has not had a first love, is without kids, actually wants some and, more is the point wants marriage.

This time 1 million
If he wants lots of children, he can stay at home and look after at least 50% of them
You do the first six months of maternity leave he can do the second

@Converselyit Do YOU want a baby? If the answer is no - or not sure - don't have one just to keep your husband happy.

Hi op at the end of the day most people have a past and in this case he’s got baggage he’s a bloke he was offered sex he took it with consequences but also has a beautiful dd from it. Which you love. I think your over thinking the ons he had no scruples but stepped up as a father and if it wasn’t for him doing this your sd could have had a terrible upbringing. Op she may also love the idea of a brother or sister ask her how she would feel. Maybe therapy might help you get your head in the right place first you don’t want to have a baby for the wrong reasons. Also things will be different with your baby as it will be there all the time he is still only a part time dad to dd. If anyone should be miffed it’s the mum she got 1 shag your getting the whole package. You are married and you knew about ons then so I don’t think it’s fair to judge him now. Also her mum is a nightmare but you’re giving her the love she needs. She might eventually end up with you full time if ss get involved again.

You are looking at a negative that is really not bad. He supported his baby after a 1 night stand. Many men would have walked away. He has his child more than most divorced men do and jumps in when the mum can’t be bothered. And now he is keen to have a baby with you. All planned this time. He sounds amazing to me.

While you’re very right to keep in mind he has another child to worry about and that he will sometimes have to prioritise over yours, it’s not truly an issue unless you make it so. My husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage, we have 2 of our own. It’s never bothered me in the slightest and I must admit I don’t understand why or how it’s an issue for you. if anything you’re lucky to be able to see what kind of Dad he is. I worry that you feel this way because you have idealised and unrealistic ideas about relationships and parenthood, and a blended family isn’t perfect enough for you.

How did you feel about this when you got engaged? And between the engagement and the wedding? How long was the gap between these two things?

This is the kind of thing it would have been really important to think through before getting married. But even if you did think it through and thought you had made peace with it then, or if you avoided thinking about it, you still don’t have to destroy your future because of your past.

If you made a mistake and this is no longer the man you want to spend the rest of your life with and have children with, you don’t have to.

It doesn’t matter if it feels awful for saying it or if DSD is a lovely daughter. You have one life, don’t tie yourself forever to a future that you don’t want.

Hmmmm OP I think you have unresolved issues from your own Dad. It's concerning that you 'can't be in the same room' as your DH. I'm in the same situation with my grandson being accidental and my son bitterly resenting and disliking the Mum. But in fact I like her shes a goid Mumand we get on well so that's v different.
Consider couples counselling to get to the bottom of this. You sound like a caring Stepmum and would obv make a lovely Mum. Your DH doesn't seem to have done anuthing wrong imho.

OP, why shouldn't you be judgy?
I am about what you describe.
It's all very low class behaviour, from her and him.

I would be appalled if my daughters got involved in such a situation, much less married into it.

I would be similarly appalled if my son had sex with a vulnerable old school friend who needed his help, and it resulted in a pregnancy where he was one of 3 possible fathers?

I know my husband would be beyond appalled at our sons lack of decency and judgement in the situation.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having standards of expected behaviour that you believe in.

You have met and married him and become a stepmother very quickly, perhaps too quick.

As for him being broody🙄, I really wouldn't pay that much heed.

Choosing the father of your is a big decision and not one you can take back.

You are not unreasonable at all to look carefully at the character of whom you are choosing.

You cannot help feeling what you feel about this situation.
It certainly isn't a conception story I would be sharing of getting misty eyed about.

Its all rather distasteful and it now becomes part of your story and the family story of any child you might have.

Definitely explore how you are feeling before trying for a child.

Your feelings are valid and so understandable.

Although your husband reconnected to his daughter's Mum via social media, I'm assuming they didn't meet up regularly or have any kind of in-person friendship? Did your husband know what this woman was truly like before having sex with her? From what you're saying, it appears he didn't or at least wasn't aware how bad she is. Yes, he chose to have sex with her, and yes I assume contraception wasn't used or failed. He made an error of judgement, and if he probably could go back, he wouldn't have chosen to have sex with her (no matter how much he loves his daughter).

Your husband could go for full residency of his daughter, if he's concerned with her living with her Mum. If he hasn't taken those steps, then why not? He can support SS, continue to provide his daughter with as much stability as possible and love.

You can't change what's happened. You can blame your husband for making a mistake, but how long do you hold his decisions against him? Your step-daughter's Mum is a shit parent, who puts her own wants and a man before her daughter. That's never going to change. Equally OP, you married your husband knowing all of this information.

I'd be the same. Snobbery or not, I'd feel there was something very unsavoury about this woman and DH's history with her. She will always be part of your lives, and unless she miraculously turns her life around you'll embroiled in all her dramas. You're already affected by her problems with childcare, child protection, alcohol, criminal associations, social services...

Do you really want to live like that? Does your love for DH conquer all? I'd be thinking very hard about my next move OP. And it definitely wouldn't involve having a baby with DH.

What are you feeling deep down about your husband - are you feeling sad and repulsed about the circumstances when DSD was conceived, that your husband was one of 3 men who could have been the father and had it been one of the other 2 then you wouldn't be in this situation, feeling how you're feeling. As it stands, you are in this marriage/situation and you can't move past the happenings of 6/7 years ago (your husband's baggage so to speak) even though you adore DSD, his child - is that what you're meaning?

If it's something else can you say what it is that you think is causing this sadness/repulsion?

Well your sd is very fortunate to have you in her life, given the circumstances she was born in.
I don't think you are in the right mindset to have a baby right now.
Take care OP

I agree. If the child was conceived for all the right reasons within a loving relationship there would be friction.

I don't think it's weird or pathetic. I think you would probably feel the same if he had been in a relationship with his ex. Blended families aren't what people start their adult life looking for. What we imagine is going through all them firsts together with our spouse, not it being our first time but he's done it all before with someone else.
You do need to try and do some serious thinking about this. If you really want to have a child of your own but don't feel happy doing it with your current partner you may need to end things. However, if you end things you do need to be prepared for the possibility you won't have children in the future so it does need careful weighing. It sounds like he is a good father. Not all men are.

Theres a world of difference having a baby with someone you love compared to someone you had a 1 night stand with. The love for the DC will be similar but the shared experiences (scans etc) will be different. Very different.

I think you need to explain to your DH exactly
how you’re feeling and hopefully he will be able to reassure how about how it will be very different for him this time. He may also have worries too that you can help him with. This is where you really need to be a team.

Same for any big decision, OP, if you're not sure and happy about it then don't do it. From what you say about the child's mother, it could be that you will have full time care of the child, which could also affect your decision.

I completely understand why you feel that way, OP. I would never date a single dad for exactly that reason. I wanted my child with my DH to be a first for both of us.

But ultimately you married him and have planned a future with him. If I were you I would tell him how I feel. That way you can work together to find a solution, he can reassure you etc.

It's ok to be sad but don't let that stop you from moving forwards as a couple.

Your instincts are telling you something about this man. Trust them.