AIBU to feel sad and deflated about having a baby with my partner?

If you both love each other deeply enough to bring a child i to the world then his experience of a new baby will be a completly new and loving experience. Your dsd will be over the moon to be part of a secure happy loving family.
You need to get over your own feelings or whats the point of being in the relationship if you feel this way .
Maybe he does need to know your feelings so you can talk about them and lay this feeling to rest x

Anyway, now we’re talking about having a baby and I just feel so overwhelming sad. He’s done this all before - he was at the scans, at the birth and has supported another woman through pregnancy. A woman he actively says he dislikes.

exactly this - he didn’t have a baby with a woman he loved/s (although he loves his daughter) - with you it will be completely different and like the first time because he loves YOU

Therapy might be helpful but honestly you seem very judgemental and hung up on being “first”. Life is messy and sometimes shit happens 🤷‍♀️ when DSD is older she’ll be told the truth in a safe and appropriate way, her parents were friends or had been, they weren’t in a relationship but ended up making a baby. I don’t think it’s traumatic to appreciate families and babies come along in a myriad of ways?

Is your DH a good dad? Kind, present, safe, loving? If so, then massive green flag for stepping up the way he has and being a source of stability for his daughter. You can judge DSD mum all you like but essentially they had sex because they wanted to & consented. I don’t think it’s deeper than that, he had sex with someone you think is less the desirable, he’s married to you now!

Ultimately I thibk if you want a family then focus on building that. Make memories that are yours and don’t compare to his ex.

I have to be honest, I cannot understand the problem. You are upset because he had a baby with someone before you, but wasn’t in a proper relationship with them at the time?

This is well above the mumsnet pay grade. My advice would be to talk to a therapist. Maybe there is something deeper. Then, under their guidance, I’d talk to your partner.

My daughter was unplanned. We were long term friends who got a bit too drunk and.. well we have a child together. I didn’t have much contact with my family so I was worried I wouldn’t have the support. He wasn’t great during the pregnancy and then she was born early. Even now - years later- I get resentful I didn’t have the pregnancy I wanted. But that’s life. It doesn’t always go how we’d like it to. We just have to make the best of it and change our view of what we thought we’d have.

It would have been nice for you too to share firsts. It will be new to him to have a partner he cares about raising a baby together as opposed to the odd scan here and there. You’ll get to plan a Nursey together, pick babies first outfit etc. Your SD will also get to be a big sister which can be so exciting for her and lovely for you to be a part of. There will be loads of firsts.

I voted YANBU because I think your thought s are very genuine. I also appreciate the fact you are really thinking about this situation and if you're ready to have a child with your partner. Too many children are born "accidentally" so I think it's great you give it some thought .

It sounds that you probably need counselling or you will ruin the relationship with your DH.

The point is this situation is never going away. It might get better. It might get worse, but it’s not changing or going anywhere.
And yes, it can happen in biological families as well
But why invite drama?
You’re a woman that’s completely unencumbered. You don’t need to accept this situation.
I wouldn’t, and I wouldn’t want it for my children

I think I understand it more from your later posts. It might be judgemental but you can't tell your brain to stop worrying. So let's consider some of the worst cases.

You have a baby and you and your husband need to take full custody of the stepdaughter for her safety. It's messy and chaotic with a very upset child in the middle of it and you having to be mum to two kids.

Or another scenario: your poor stepdaughter hits the teenage years and her unstable upbringing means she has mental health issues and expresses this through difficult behaviour. You have younger kids and you don't want them around her but your husband is torn.

These scenarios might not happen but I think it's what you are really worried about. So the question is, if they did happen would you regret choosing to be with him? Do you feel your relationship is worth it and you can face any challenges together?

It probably is going to be chaotic but there are no guarantees in any family. It's a really difficult one and I think your DH is going to be blindsided by this.

I think you need to talk to a professional to unpick your feelings. At first it sounded like jealousy but this now feels like a deeper fear.

Your subconscious is telling you something. He is not meeting your expectations. Who you thought you married is not matching your expectations of standing his ground for his daughter. Is the mother controlling the situation because she has the child custody? Are you thinking or mulling over about the welfare of the child you want to bring into the world and how him and this situation will impact your child ( protective instinct)? And you cant express this to him perhaps? Is this where the sadness is stemming from? Is he trying to be between love/ care for his child with this woman and trying to meets your needs too?

Sounds like you're making excuses, dramatic excuses, not to have a child with your husband. So basically you don't want a child with him because he's already had one? Very odd. SD wasn't brought up in a loving relationship so yours would be totally different. My husband had a child full time when we met. It didn't put me off wanting a child with him. The language you used in your OP was very very strong in a negative way. I get the impression your husband isn't the husband for you. Maybe address that first.

Why on earth did you marry this man when you are so heavily judgemental of him. This was his history when you went on your first date and it would have been very easy to just walk away then.
I think having a baby with him in these circumstances would be a dreadful idea.

I think you're over-thinking this and need to come at it from a different angle...

SHE is the unstable one. So questioning her parenting and suitability as a parent isn't being snobby, it's being sensible, as a child's welfare is at stake here.

Your DH was trying to help an old friend and got caught up in the moment, probably somewhat coerced by her, that resulted in his DD being conceived. Nothing more. He certainly isn't unstable. He just made one mistake 7 years ago and it is really unfair to punish him. Everyone makes mistakes at some point.

And no, you will never be the biological parent to DSD, but what you will be is the stable "mum" in her life, the one who listens and cares, and the one she will come to rely on more than her biological mum one day.

It sounds like you're repulsed by your husband bringing along a woman with a somewhat chaotic, unsettled situation with him because he had a child with her and you resent him. Yes, her life will affect yours because they share a daughter and you married him. That resentment will grow and spread to his daughter. This is a man who seriously wants more kids and you are sad and repulsed at the thought of having known ds with him.

Individual therapy. Figure out if you really want to stay in a marriage where you're repulsed by his past and how it affects your present and unpick these complicated feelings. You're either going to have to come to terms with things you don't want to deal with or end the marriage.

Maybe it's not really those things, but that you just don't feel he is the man you want to have a child with - if at all.

When you're not ready or decided that you want to, his constant 'when are we going to have a baby? I want loads of them' sounds more like pressure from him than anything to do with the child he already has.

Because she didn’t feel like that when they got married ?

The two situations are so different, they're really not comparable.

So many men turn out to be shits once children come into their Iives- at least you've seen how he is with his daughter and know he'll be a responsible and decent father.

Absolutely this.

I don't think this is the sort of issue that should have a vote.

If you want to have an abortion for any reason that is fine. You don't have to go through pregnancy and labour to suit anyone else. Contact Marie Stopes or your GP to talk it through. Think about the advice you'd give another woman and put yourself first.

That said I don't think it would be odd for a woman who conceived a child after a ONS to want a second child when she was in a secure, loving relationship. So I'm hardly likely to think it would be odd for a man to want a child in similar circumstances.

This is one of those threads on Mumsnet that leaves me absolutely baffled. I cannot believe how many posters are trying to convince the OP that she should have a child with this man despite the way she’s feeling. So many posts saying she needs therapy to overcome these feelings or that she’s just idealising parenthood and should accept this situation.

OP I don’t understand how you got yourself into this situation in the first place. How can it be a shock to you now? But, you can absolutely call it a day here and say “this
is not the life I want.”

I hear what you're saying, but remember - that first experience he had might mean that now he really wants to engage with your pregnancy, in a way that he might not have done so well if he'd not 'learned' from having his first child and that tricky experience of her not being planned.

A lot of men do it badly when they have their first child with their partner, and then try to make up for it by doing really well with a second child. I'm not saying he did it badly - I know you said he did all the right things. What I'm trying to say is that he might genuinely be so excited and engaged with your pregnancy especially because he knows it wasn't perfect for his first time round.

Hope that makes sense. x

I am sorry that you are struggling with these feelings OP. From previous posts it seems you are not alone. But try to set all the baggage around the circumstances of DSD’s conception aside and focus on what you want. You love DSD which is wonderful. Do you still see DH as your life partner, and do you want children with him. Once you know the answers follow your heart.

I do understand a little where you’re coming from. My Dh has a daughter from a previous marriage. We all get on ok. No issues. I didn’t feel the way you do now when we had our son but I did get a little upset when his ex wife gave us a lot of baby things she had kept from when they had their daughter together. It was lovely and well meant by her. Lovely things etc. but it was things they picked together for their baby. I get upset and it felt irrational really but it isn’t.

however, if you want a family with your husband and children. Don’t put it off just because he has done it before. He did it before with someone he had a one night stand with not with his wife. He might have gone to scans etc but there will be so many things he will do for you and with you that he wouldn’t do with someone he wasn’t in love with, nighttime cuddles with you and bump (not in this heat), foot rubs, spending nights together and just being there. It won’t be the same experience for him.

take care and think about the positives if this is something you really want.

Hi, OP. This is quite complicated, and you would benefit from finding a good counsellor to helo you disentangle the various threads in this situation and understand your feelings.
You don't have to deny how you feel because some posters on here are telling you that the situation is not bad. It is about your valid reactions, whether or not other people think you are reasonable or not. A professional advisor is what you need here. Please don't get pregnant before you have sorted this out in your own mind.💐