AIBU to feel sad and deflated about having a baby with my partner?

I think you need to speak to your DH @Converselyit. And maybe speak to someone about your very deep feelings to see if you can reframe them. After all…your husband has shown you the type of father he is and the type of man he is in accepting his responsibilities, no matter the circumstances related to the relationship with his daughters mother.

Ultimately, having a child with your DH means accepting the fact your DSD’s mother will always be on the scene. If you can’t accept that, you and your DH either need to agree to no kids… or divorce.

Speak to a therapist who can help you make sense of everything.

If, for whatever reason, you need the father of your future child to be a first-time father, that is completely your choice. You just need to decide if that is important enough to you to mean ending your current relationship. It is a very tough decision but only you can tell if this is a dealbreaker or not.

How would you feel if you and your husband took on more responsibility for his existing daughter - say, she lived with you for most of the time? It certainly sounds like the mother might be into it. And it would probably be good for the girl. And then some of your worries might lessen, because she would be even more part of your family.

All of this!

I think the fact that he is a good dad and supportive to his daughter says a lot about his commitment. If you love him, he treats you and his daughter well, then these are all good signs. Everyone makes mistakes and sometimes chooses partners who are less than ideal.

Good for you for thinking carefully about whether or not to allow yourself to become pregnant. Well done, too many women have a silly "Eeehh, guess what? I'm pregnant and I don't know how it happened." approach.

I'd be the opposite, if he didn't show up for his child. Deal breaker!
But you've done the hard part, you've blended the family. You love DSD.

Is it really you can't get over how your DSD was conceived? Or is what you're hanging worrying becoming pregnant and needing an excuse? Is it you've got regrets in your relationship and you don't want to add to it?

I think maybe talk to someone and try getting to the bottom of it or help you move on from it because of he's the future father of your child(ren) and you want them, something needs to unstick here so you don't miss out on the life you want.
Does that make sense?

Sorry you're struggling.

It sounds to me like your angry at DP and the mum for being reckless having unprotected sex which resulted in a chaotic life for your DSD.

I know this feeling from a family member who is an awful parent I do also think his ex knew he was awful but went ahead and had a baby with him anyway. I often think it's unfair that their child who I adore lives with the consequences of her crap decision. She's a great mum and makes up for him being a terrible dad in so many ways but I do feel deep down it was selfish of her to give her child a father she knew would be chaotic.

I try to accept it for what it is but when the child is upset at seeing her dad I think why on earth did you two make this situation for her to cope with. I could imagine you feel similarly and resent DP for the same reasons.

Oh wow, thanks for letting me know 9 pages in 👍🏻

@Converselyit

I’ve now read all your posts.

I’m a psychological therapist with the NHS in the UK. I really would suggest you seek some therapy for your anxiety. You’re doing some very typical unhelpful thinking habits (catastrophising, over generalising, compare and despair, to name a few).

It’s really good that you’re taking bringing another child into the world such serious consideration, however I think possibly due to some anxiety difficulties that it is overwhelming you. The lens has shifted and it’s getting very real and serious for you.

At least explore this before you potentially blow up your marriage, and have another negative impact on a child life who has already got a chaotic mother.

I suspect your husband‘s feelings towards the mother of his daughter have grown that way after seeing how she’s parented, rather than him choosing to have sex with someone he hated those years ago.

And maybe it would be helpful to share some of your concerns with him, be honest about how you’re feeling. He sounds like a decent person and you did marry him.

Maybe he does need to start being more assertive and boundaries with the mother of his child. Maybe you guys should consider full or main custody.

You need to get some counselling. Your husband sounds like a good man.
your disgust at the mother’s behaviour is entirely understandable. But you are projecting that disgust onto him.
and that’s not real.
Plus it sounds like you’ve lost respect for him because he’s not challenging the mothers actions.
But it could be that he’s just playing his cards right to keep her calm so he can have access to his daughter. She could be the type to lash out and withhold contact.
AND even if he did challenge her - would it make her change? No it wouldn’t.
He’s a good man who wants a normal loving family.
Try to separate your feelings about her from your perception of him.
He’s done nothing wrong. You have the potential here of a real loving and happy marriage

This!

It’ll be totally different for him!

AND you know how he’ll be as a dad and husband, don’t underestimate that!! Many threads on here are about useless dad’s and husbands being too selfish to be parents!

I think a pp was suggesting some therapy, which I think would also be ok, but posting here is maybe a good start.

Be prepared to have DSD live with you full time in the future, and that may be best for her anyway.

(Would have been clearer to have said your husband, indicated you were married, in OP, but you probably realise this now).

The OP is saying how she feels about an important aspect of her life. Whether or not her DH is a good husband to her and a good father to his DD is part of the equation and I suppose you have to live it/experience it to see how things work for both of you. You can both have good intentions but it's how you cope as a couple when the wheels come off that makes a marriage/relationship work, or not. How do I know - because I've had a failed marriage & my husband had a child with someone in his 20s, they lived together. No plans to have kids but neither took responsibility for contraception and along came a child. I knew both parents, we were the same age - they split up when the child was a few months old & they hated each other - the child really suffered throughout his childhood/teenage years with a single mum & his dad moved away. Silly me married his dad 10 years later, whirlwind romance. He was ok for first 2 years but then the red mist appeared & I saw the true person behind the facade. Silly me wanted a child & so did he - so he said - we'd been married 9 years and time wasn't on my side. She arrived and I've adored her every day since she was born, I felt & still feel like the luckiest woman alive - except it wasn't what he really wanted, he never said those words but by god he showed me what a complete and utter arsehole I had for a husband, and he treat DD with contempt all her life to this day - she's 20 now. He's damaged both his children emotionally but he thinks he's king dick. I left him when DD was 4 for my own safety and sanity, and DD's, protected and supported her as much as I possibly could along with a man who told me the truth about my DH and rescued me. He is everything my husband isn't, he has 2 daughters to 2 different wives for his sins, he was married to both of them in succession and was in the same black hole as me. Sometimes the right person comes along unexpectedly and makes everything worthwhile, we've been together 16 years - both still married to our other halves because mine won't co-operate with his own divorce petition. 30 years we've been married this year but there's no love lost.

So this is what can happen if you make a wrong decision, or in my case a few back to back. Don't have children if the relationship isn't right - you need to be on the same page 100%

They are married, have been for a year.

It seems odd that you are blaming your DH so much for the chaotic life of his ex. Was she always like this or is much of her behaviour more recent? How well did he know her when his daughter was conceived? He, and you, are a stable presence in this little girl's life and surely would be the same for any children you have together. If you have a child with him it will be the first time he has gone through a pregnancy with a partner he loves and that he is totally committed to. It would be the first time he has gone to a scan with you. And if you eventually have more than one child you will realise that you don't love subsequent children less than the first or feel less excited about your pregnancy and birth and meeting your baby the second or third time around.

I feel sorry for your husband he's literally done nothing wrong, he's stepped up and been a great dad which unfortunately not many men do, i think that says more about his character than a one night stand, or who that one night stand was with. I dont know why your judging him for things that are literally beyond his control.

Anyway you need to talk to him and decide if you can get over it, he wants more kids if you dont want the same thing he deserves to know

I completely understand not wanting the complication of a blended family and I’d avoid it like the plague personally, but that doesn’t seem to be the issue here? I don’t really understand what you’re finding difficult about the fact your partner wasn’t in a relationship with the mother and how that’s contributing to your feelings?

Bearing in mind that DSD is 6 and your DH has been in her life I assume all that time?, when did you meet him - how long ago?

Has DSD's mum always been erratic and used DH as a childminder outside the one week on/one week off or have they had different arrangements over time?

He must feel torn - I say that because it sounds like he'd rather look after DD than wonder where her mother will dump her instead. I fully understand how frustrating the whole situation is for you, getting married is supposed to be a wonderful experience but living in the marriage sometimes isn't what you expected especially when his sort of ex appears to be dominating your lives with her couldn't care less behaviour.

Sometimes the new partner/wife is the one that suffers most, they think they're getting someone they always dreamed of but in reality they inherit their problems too and although trying to support their new other half they realise that they're actually half the problem. Things can soon go downhill and even in marriages where there is no baggage, once the children come along the dynamics change - the trouble is you don't know that until you're in it either.

OP - I assume you had the conversation about having children together before you married? What did you say at this point?

I don’t blame you for feeling this way at all. I would feel the same.

Has your partner ever talked about marriage and could that reassure you? I could only imagine having a child with a man I knew wanted to make a commitment to me, I would feel too exposed otherwise, especially if he already had a child.

Your hesitancy is your gut telling you something. Listen to it, but also talk to him.
It would be instructive to see how he reacts when you discuss your fears.

I understand your feeling of claustrophobia. At a time when you want everything contained and child centered, your DH's past decisions mean there is always going to be a loose canon in your lives.

I think you need individual therapy and couples therapy. If this relationship needs to end it would be better sooner for the child's sake.

Maybe if you try to mentally reframe this that your husband has a proven track record as an excellent, involved father you will be able to look at it more positively. You knew he had a child when you started dating him and were still prepared to give him a chance and he has shown you that he is reliable and a great partner to you. He will be beyond excited about the whole pregnancy because he loves you and wants to have a family with you. Given all the feckless, non committal men out there, you are lucky to have found a good man so try not to let his past worry you.

I think the way he behaves as a father is the most important thing here. There are plenty of men who have never had children with anyone other than their spouse and yet fail miserably as fathers. I think yabu to hold this against him. If he were a shit dad to dsd I’d say don’t do it.

I knew that for me was a non starter to have a child with someone who already had kids (knowingly). I never went as far as having a relationship with such a man let alone marry him. I understand your feelings; as PP suggested it’d be best to talk to someone independent (therapist) and explore why?

So sorry for how you are feeling. It sounds confusing. Do you think counselling might be helpful?