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Original poster

AIBU to feel sad and deflated about having a baby with my partner?

240 replies

Converselyit · 25/06/2026 11:02

I’m really struggling with feelings that I know are so irrational and toxic.

I’ve been with my partner for 3 years. He has a lovely daughter who’s 6 years old. She is fantastic, and I am utterly delighted she is in my life. Being a stepmum is really hard but I adore my stepdaughter and I miss her terribly when she isn’t home with us! Shes with us one week, mum the next, then us again.

Partner has been asking a lot when we will be having a baby, he said he’s really broody and wants to have lots of children. I’ve always wanted kids, and I do love my partner (and our family) very much.

However, I have recently got feelings of sadness and (this sounds awful) utter revulsion about the situation.

I’ll keep it as brief as possible. Basically, my partner and DSD mum were in school together and briefly “dated” when they were 14ish. My partner and DSD mum lost touch and then had intermittent contact on social media. DSD mum contacted him one night to help with a situation she was in, and ultimately they slept together and she got pregnant. She told him over text, got DNA testing organised (2 other potential dads) and told him that he was the dad. My partner told her he wanted to support his child but they would never been in a relationship.

I have tried my best to be understanding, these things happen, it takes 2 people to make a decision to have a baby! But Dsd mum is difficult - there’s been social service involvement, she’s a big drinker, and her current partner has a criminal record. She doesn’t seem bothered about spending time with Dsd and regularly asks for extra time to herself for her “mental health” or if she wants to take overtime at work. She cancels weekend handovers regularly if she fancies a night out. In all, I’m judgemental towards her, because I think she brought a child recklessly into the world and has no intention whatsoever to be a proper mum. Sorry I know I’ll get flamed for that.

Anyway, now we’re talking about having a baby and I just feel so overwhelming sad. He’s done this all before - he was at the scans, at the birth and has supported another woman through pregnancy. A woman he actively says he dislikes.

I know I am so so wrong to feel this way, but I am so sad. Like I said I love my stepdaughter. But I won’t ever be her mum or be the only person my partner has a baby with.

Id be less sad if dsd mum was an ex-partner of my partner and they actually had a relationship before their baby was born, that would be easier for me to deal with.

I keep delaying my partner with reasons I can’t have a baby right now, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this. I know it’s weird and just pathetic I can’t get over it but I really want to. I never let it affect how I speak or care for me dsd or how I talk about her mum. My partner has no idea I feel like this. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Honeyhonay · 25/06/2026 11:29

Id be less sad if dsd mum was an ex-partner of my partner and they actually had a relationship before their baby was born, that would be easier for me to deal with.

You might say that, but the rest of your post clearly points to that not being the case. Your insecurities and dislikes would only be amplified if he had done everything ‘properly’ and lovingly with his ex.

Original poster
Converselyit · 25/06/2026 11:25

Jennylongsocks · 25/06/2026 11:24

If you feel that way, leave him. You’re not even married and he’s “broody”. Gross. What man says that.

I wouldn’t ever be with a man who already had children and I simply don’t understand women who do.

Show quote history

I am married, thanks

OP posts:
drunkelephant83 · 25/06/2026 11:25

This will be different for him though because it will be planned, there will be more excitement than shock and you two have a good relationship.

Jennylongsocks · 25/06/2026 11:24

Converselyit · 25/06/2026 11:02

I’m really struggling with feelings that I know are so irrational and toxic.

I’ve been with my partner for 3 years. He has a lovely daughter who’s 6 years old. She is fantastic, and I am utterly delighted she is in my life. Being a stepmum is really hard but I adore my stepdaughter and I miss her terribly when she isn’t home with us! Shes with us one week, mum the next, then us again.

Partner has been asking a lot when we will be having a baby, he said he’s really broody and wants to have lots of children. I’ve always wanted kids, and I do love my partner (and our family) very much.

However, I have recently got feelings of sadness and (this sounds awful) utter revulsion about the situation.

I’ll keep it as brief as possible. Basically, my partner and DSD mum were in school together and briefly “dated” when they were 14ish. My partner and DSD mum lost touch and then had intermittent contact on social media. DSD mum contacted him one night to help with a situation she was in, and ultimately they slept together and she got pregnant. She told him over text, got DNA testing organised (2 other potential dads) and told him that he was the dad. My partner told her he wanted to support his child but they would never been in a relationship.

I have tried my best to be understanding, these things happen, it takes 2 people to make a decision to have a baby! But Dsd mum is difficult - there’s been social service involvement, she’s a big drinker, and her current partner has a criminal record. She doesn’t seem bothered about spending time with Dsd and regularly asks for extra time to herself for her “mental health” or if she wants to take overtime at work. She cancels weekend handovers regularly if she fancies a night out. In all, I’m judgemental towards her, because I think she brought a child recklessly into the world and has no intention whatsoever to be a proper mum. Sorry I know I’ll get flamed for that.

Anyway, now we’re talking about having a baby and I just feel so overwhelming sad. He’s done this all before - he was at the scans, at the birth and has supported another woman through pregnancy. A woman he actively says he dislikes.

I know I am so so wrong to feel this way, but I am so sad. Like I said I love my stepdaughter. But I won’t ever be her mum or be the only person my partner has a baby with.

Id be less sad if dsd mum was an ex-partner of my partner and they actually had a relationship before their baby was born, that would be easier for me to deal with.

I keep delaying my partner with reasons I can’t have a baby right now, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this. I know it’s weird and just pathetic I can’t get over it but I really want to. I never let it affect how I speak or care for me dsd or how I talk about her mum. My partner has no idea I feel like this. I don’t know what to do.

If you feel that way, leave him. You’re not even married and he’s “broody”. Gross. What man says that.

I wouldn’t ever be with a man who already had children and I simply don’t understand women who do.

Original poster
Converselyit · 25/06/2026 11:17

Meadowfinch · 25/06/2026 11:10

So basically, you can't get over the fact that your partner had a ONS and didn't practice safe sex, years before he met you.

There must be very few British men who haven't done this at some point. The only difference is that their ONS resulted in a child. It makes no difference to how much your dp loves his daughter, or loves you or any future children.

Perhaps you need to talk it through with someone independent.

Edited

Well that’s why I’ve posted on this forum to get some advice/support

OP posts:
Wowsersbrowsers · 25/06/2026 11:17

But this is a totally different situation. He's choosing to have a baby and support his partner through a pregnancy and beyond.

nomas · 25/06/2026 11:13

Meadowfinch · 25/06/2026 11:10

So basically, you can't get over the fact that your partner had a ONS and didn't practice safe sex, years before he met you.

There must be very few British men who haven't done this at some point. The only difference is that their ONS resulted in a child. It makes no difference to how much your dp loves his daughter, or loves you or any future children.

Perhaps you need to talk it through with someone independent.

Edited

Whilst I agree that ONS are common, I think there are some double standards in society. If OP was the one with the dd, she would be told that she should focus on her existing child and not have another baby with another man.

catcatcat24 · 25/06/2026 11:11

I’m in the same situation so following to see what advice you get.

I love DP so much but it makes me so sad that he’s already had kids with someone else.

Meadowfinch · 25/06/2026 11:10

So basically, you can't get over the fact that your partner had a ONS and didn't practice safe sex, years before he met you.

There must be very few British men who haven't done this at some point. The only difference is that their ONS resulted in a child. It makes no difference to how much your dp loves his daughter, or loves you or any future children.

Perhaps you need to talk it through with someone independent.

Chunkychips23 · 25/06/2026 11:10

My DH has three children with his ex-wife. It felt like getting married and having kids would be nothing new to him, he’d been there and done it before. It wouldn’t be special, as none of it would be a first for him. It all made me feel a bit flat about experiencing those. I thought he wouldn’t be as bothered.

I was wrong. It was just as special and important to him as if it were the first time. He was just as excited and invested. He’d sprint into the room to feel our babies kicking as if he’d never felt that before. He would be giddy before scans and emotional during. After our 1st was born, he learned about breastfeeding just as I was doing, he read up on the latest advice and guidance around baby care etc. I’d often have to ask him to pass our baby back as he wanted all the cuddles 😂

Yes he’d experienced parenthood before, but he said it was all very different.

Original poster
Converselyit · 25/06/2026 11:08

Sorry I should say we are married. We got married last year

OP posts:
nomas · 25/06/2026 11:07

Could your sub-conscious be telling you that he is not the right man to have a baby with?

Do you live together and what is he like as a dad?

Does he spend one to one time with his dd or does he expect you to always be there?

Does he get sad if you make plans with your own family and friends without him and his dd?

Does he expect you to wake up when dd wakes up or will he go down and entertain her?

Does he cook for his dd or has it become your role?

Does he do her washing or do you do all the washing?

Does he go out on nights out or to the gym and expect you to babysit?

OrdinaryGirl · 25/06/2026 11:06

ofcolitas · 25/06/2026 11:04

That sounds like a very difficult situation OP and I didn't want to pass it by without saying I sympathise with you.

Has your partner asked if he could marry you or has he just asked if he could get you pregnant?

^^Important question

Loulou4022 · 25/06/2026 11:06

But he’s never done those things with you before. Don’t let the fact that he’s had a child with someone else spoil your enjoyment of it.
My DH has been married before but he threw himself into helping plan our wedding and we throughly enjoyed the planning together!! And never once didn’t I enjoy our experience because he’d done it before because it was our wedding together.

ofcolitas · 25/06/2026 11:04

That sounds like a very difficult situation OP and I didn't want to pass it by without saying I sympathise with you.

Has your partner asked if he could marry you or has he just asked if he could get you pregnant?

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