Should parents be responsible for their adult children’s behaviour?

I’m sorry you are dealing with such an awful family in law situation OP. As the abuse is happening in front of DH’s parents they absolutely should call this out and are being cowardly in not doing so. It’s why women get so much abuse when others simply ignore.
If it were me I would tell them all if it does not 100% stop right now you will be forced to report their slander to the police (the non existent messages) and that you will pursue it as a civil matter.
No way would I allow my children to witness this. If it happens again I would say very clearly to my children I need you to be able to recognise abuse and to know you should not and will not tolerate it. We are leaving now and I am disappointed your grandparents allow it to happen. Then do just that.

Oh because they sound like really rational people who will be receptive to this!

😅

Haha this is quite funny though!

Or the old “why are you calling me a stupid cow, Bob? Are you feeling quite ok??”

Imagine having guests round and allowing one of them to call the other one a stupid cow, and not chucking them out of your home?!

This.

They’re not responsible - ie if you stop speaking to them purely on his behaviour that’s not fair

But they can definitely call him out and ask him to leave if it happens in their home. If you stop talking to them because of their behaviour (or lack of) that’s fine. Tell them this.

Why don’t you try and have a civilised conversation with BIL and SIL? Ask them over, have a meal and some wine and try to talk about their problems with you?
Air your feelings and possibly sort things out. You never know, it could all be resolved.

If they're brothers, why hasn't your husband knocked him out by now (figuratively). If someone was using the stupid c*w language around me they wouldn't last two minutes.

I would definitely call out his disgusting behaviour adult or not I would not have that being said to you under my roof or anywhere from a grown adult man or woman of my own.
They need to step up its disgusting basically watching and allowing bullying .

Why isn’t your husband putting your bil in his place and actually protecting you like he should?

Parents are not responsible for their adult children's behaviour BUT if they see or hear that they have behaved badly then they should definitely speak up and pull their adult children up on it,I would everytime and have done.

They are not resposible for his behaviour, and I imagine they are terrified that he will have nothing to do with them if they intervene,.

However, I'd be saying calmly to them, 'Much as I love you, MIL/FIL I won't be visiting your house again. I'm not putting myself into a position where John or his GF can be utterly vile to me. You are naturally always welcome to come visit us and the GC, but we/I won't be coming to you'.

Neither would I be attending any 'family' get togethers that included these two. I'd just decline.

Parents aren't responsible for their adult children's behaviour. Sometimes the parents have allowed behaviours as a child, and haven't called that poor behaviour out. It then results in the same poor behaviour in adulthood. If no one ever calls out certain behaviours then that person is just going to continue in the same way.

If your BIL or/and your SIL show poor behaviour towards you/your husband, in your PIL home, then they should absolutely be calling them out over it. If it's something that they weren't witness too, outside of their home, then No, I wouldn't expect them to involve themselves.

It does sound as if your SIL is shit stirring by telling her husband you're sending her abusive messages. She's not stupid, she knows perfectly well it would rile up her husband. She's deliberately trying to cause a rift between her husband and yours, by pitching them against each other and using you to do it. It's natural that your husband would defend you, and your BIL defend your SIL.

I think it would be best if you only saw your PIL without your BIL/SIL being there. If you do have to attend a family event, then you need to grey rock them both. Distance yourself as much as possible from your BIL/SIL.

I absolutely wouldn't be going round there if I was going to be abused and noone was going to even stick up for me.
Your in laws need to understand that by staying quiet that they are practically condoning it. Doesn't your husband shut it down?

As usual the first reply nails it. 👏🏻

Are they afraid of upsetting him? If it was one of my sons doing this in my house, regardless of age, they would be given two choices shut up or move out. Not good for your children to see his childish behaviour. Anyone behaving like that in my home would be encouraged to find their own space PDQ. What an entitled jerk he is, no respect for anyone.

Ifi suspect the OP's concern, though, is that they would round on her if she did.

In families with these dynamics it's often the one who upsets the apple cart who gets punished rather than the bad apple removed.

My IL was very poorly behaved to me during a period of very high stress for the entire family. My MIL closed a door on them which is the equivalent of a slap in the face in our family, she had my back. So no they aren’t responsible but I would never condone that kind of behaviour in my home to a fellow guest, child/sibling whoever. It should be called out. I would be making clear though that I wouldn’t be visiting if the BIL was present, just no.

The problem as I see it is you're relying on them to say something when you won't. Can you stick to just going with DH and then he calls it out every single time? But ideally you need to fake the brave and challenge him yourself. You're currently an easy target showing your kids that if thry get bullied, they should be meek and mild and keep out of the way

Do not subject yourself to this abuse any longer. Just stop meeting them and have no contact through social media. Otherwise its just going to continue. Iife is too short for this.

Time to change things, invite MIL and FIL to yours and screen shot the vile messages and send them to MIL and FIL, so they can see exactly what he does.

Time to use the “did you mean to be so rude” if you have to be in his company, whenever he so much as utters anything ghastly.

Having your DH on side is key, time to fight fire with fire.

Best of luck, I had something similar with my unhinged SIL, it is incredibly wearing and stressful.

Do you know what? You're probably right. After all, there are as many sides to a story as there are people telling it and everyone will have their own perspective.

However, if we just take the OP's description of the behaviours at face value, the in laws shouldn't be tolerating this in their own home.

They don't have to get involved and take sides.

Just challenge the behaviours.

Oh
.
And stop visiting the house when he's there.

If you turn up, and he's unexpectedly there, leave immediately.

Why can't you say something to BIL at the time?

Like if he says "stupid cow".... Call.him.out..and say "why did you just call me a stupid cow BIL?"

Hell deny it, naturally, and you then get DHt to back you up and confirm it. And then ask again.

Keep doing this.

My SIL is a difficult person, falls out with people a lot. She is just obnoxious. Her behaviour when my child died was too much for me. I didn’t speak to her for years and she was banned from my house. It is the only bad time in DH and mine marriage. MIL had a massive go at me one Christmas because of this. I stood my ground and it ended up with her admitting how awful her own child can be. DH admitted his sister was horrible to me. If he had not our marriage would have ended and it came close.

We have one hideous person on my side of the family, awful younger sister. She ran off with older sisters DH and has also stolen money. We all cut her off as soon as our Mother died. I’m sure she is playing the victim somewhere.

Parents usually still love their children however awful they are. But you need to stop having the children round this behaviour as they acknowledge this behaviour hopefully it will have an effect.

You say your DH is supportive of you - what is his reaction when his brother calls you a stupid cow? Come to that, what's your response? I certainly wouldn't sit there and take that!
How old are these brothers? Sounds as though they both missed out on some decent parenting when they were young, and their parents are still failing them.
I wouldn't have let my DCs get away with behaviour like that when they were toddlers, let alone fully grown adults!

They're not responsible for their adult children's behaviour. They are responsible for their own, which includes how they react to it.

But why are you not going nuclear in return? Because since you clearly want to keep spending this amount of time with PILs and they clearly intend to carry on tolerating it for the easiest life, the change is going to have to come from your end. Sometimes the only way to deal with very passive people is to make sure that you're a bigger pain in the arse than whoever they want you to put up with. You can arrange to visit without the kids one day if you don't want them to see it.