AIBU for shouting after being locked out with my sick child?

It's sanctimonious prick of the year finals with some serious competition from a handful of contenders on this thread. It's a close run race so far!

@phoenixrosehere the rates of PTSD and illness are significant in mothers raising ND children. The high alert feeling is very real and too much in a day and age where mum's are not adequately supported, especially in the education system , gaslit usually by medical professionals and education systems not designed for ND children

I exploded spectacularly after too much people pleasing and mopping up to the extent I have almost lost my life through illness.

I am not ashamed to say I exploded and called someone close to me a C**t.

After apologizing and accepting it wasn't appropriate ( in spite of the very hard to cope with behaviour I was trying to deal with ), I knew this was a wake up call to make big changes. Which I did.

Those changes did not involve punishing myself at all. It was about boundaries for ME. My emotions were the strongest communication possible - from me, to me.

Hope that makes anyone feeling guilty feel better about their own situation.

JFC way to kick someone when they're down.

Your "I don't care how angry you were" comment is ridiculous. You are making OP's situation personal to you. You don't know her. She doesn't know you. And she owes you nothing. You sound sanctimonious.

Yes, I agree this has created much misunderstanding.

I do hope he has done likewise. I don't care how angry you were, your reaction is so over the top. I wouldn't want to be in the same street as you, let alone the same house. If this was reversed MN would all be LTB - unbelievable.

@Kittenwatch
Today was the final straw for you, I think.
Tell your husband you're sorry you lost it that way and that you need some time to reflect on it and sort it before you can have a conversation about it.
Do you feel you're doing the lion's share, or are you just burnt out from all if it?
I'd do the following:
Get into a support group (link below) asap for families dealing with autism needs and get yourself into individual counselling. Same for your dh. Don't do the support group together. You both need your own safe space.

You are human. You have a lot on your shoulders. It's a wonder you haven't snapped sooner. 💐

www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/support-in-the-community/family-support

Erm, no, most girls are socialised to not show anger. This is part of the problem; anger is a normal response to having boundaries violated and needs an outlet (sure, shouting isn't ideal but OP is aware of that).

Where are you getting this 'a lot of girls' business from?

You sound very invested in what you imagine most other women's mums told them growing up.

Why the 'cool girl' insistence on telling off the other women on behalf of the blokes? The patriarchy thanks you for your service.

OP, I know what you mean when you say you feel like you’ve been on constant alert. I feel the same.

Our DS1, 11yo is autistic, non-verbal, global delay who can and does open doors that we had to get a locksmith to change our locks so need a key to open and lock the door every time. We also have to hide the keys because he has watched DH put the keys up, used a chair to get them, and waited until he was distracted to open the door. He has also waited while I was cooking, with the dishwasher, and air fryer going and unlocked the door and escaped and we were lucky the neighbors saw him doing so from their windows. He has escaped in-laws house because he watched where they put the keys, unlocked their front door and ran out. MIL & SIL couldn’t find him for 20-30 minutes while DH was out having a pint with his dad. They didn’t tell him til he got back. I wasn’t even mad tbh, just glad he was found and hoped they now understood why we do the things we do when it comes to oldest.

We don’t open our windows when he’s home because he has hung out of them in the past and has escaped through one while we were on holiday in the Mediterranean.

To answer your question, very few times I have raised my voice at DH, when I have it was for reasons many here would consider LTB territory (no cheating). I’ve never called him stupid, idiot. It’s always been questioning him, (what were you thinking, did you even think/consider, how does this make sense, where’s the logic? before I proceed to tell him how what he has done makes no logical sense) etc. He knows in the rare occurrences where I raise my voice, he’s in for it even more so when I’m angry enough to the point of tears because they only come when I’m fuming and he was very much in the wrong.

He is ND and I didn’t know he was until 10 years in after oldest son was diagnosed.

He has raised his voice at me and I’ve just raised my brow because it’s usually about him making a decision or doing something and me already knowing he was going to make said decision because I know him. Plus, coming from a ‘shouty’ family and not being a ‘shouty’ person raised voices irritate me more than upset me. I can probably count on one hand he has raised his voice at me and vice versa.

Totally understand why you lost your shit OP and also why u probably should apologise as shouting at someone isn't great. The key frustration for me would be even if I was interviewing , if I had repeated calls from my partner then i would pick up.

The chain may have gone on as an absent minded thing but my first thought was wanking. Altho you dont mind if he does it, it doesn't mean he is ok w being caught. He might have props he is not ready to share 😆 (also dont think wanking is always the abhorrent act that it appears to be considered by some on the thread if time and place are ok)

This!

Can we all agree to just ignore further sanctimonious twaddle from that twerp dominating the thread and provide op with the support she deserves.

Sorry you faced what any regular person would find frustrating OP. Most people do experience anger occasionally and that does not equal abuse.

Hope you're feeling calmer now and your son's feeling better.

Maybe look for another solution to chain eg second lock high up. I suspect it’s only a matter of time before dc figures chain out.

Exactly. Be prepared to be told how wrong you are, though.

YABU. I think you overreacted and owe your DH a sincere apology. It wasn't great but it wasn't deliberate and noone was hurt, it was slight inconvenience for half hour.

Op says she was at work when she was called to collect poorly child.
He’s put disabled child in taxi to school in morning and stupidly put chain on and gone into a full day of interviews wfh. Not deliberately locked her out. We can all do stupid things when distracted or thinking about work.
If it’s only 3rd big screaming argument in 20 years it does unsettle you as it’s very much outside the norm.
I don’t think you are abusive just a mum at end of tether worried about sick child on hot day.

OP, sorry if I have missed something, but have you actually asked him WHY he put the chain on?

Exactly!! Typical double standards

The explanation is he waved one child off to school, he closed the door and put the chain on (maybe out of habit) and was home alone after the child left

If a man posted the OP, he would be torn limb from limb. Or if a woman posted from the point of view of the husband, posters would be falling over each other to excuse her.

Oh, another 'women are magical unicorns and men are crap' posters. I'm sorry but I live in the real world, not the world of Instagram psychobabble.

Man sees his child off out the door to go school and then puts the chain on when he closes the door, he’s home alone and probably forgot he even put the chain on. That doesn’t warrant being screamed and shouted at

Is it "very appropriate " when men scream at women because their emotions are telling them that somethings not right, or is that a 1 way thing?

I don’t think the poster means he deliberately ignored her while he was bashing one out. Lots of people suggested he originally put the chain on the door at say 9.30am to relieve himself or watch porn, then left it on all day. I don’t think it’s a bizarre suggestion, I think it’s the most obvious suggestion to be honest.

Why would a grown man put the chain on the door whilst home on a lovely sunny day? He obviously didn’t want to be disturbed by his wife. I assume no one else can just waltz in so it was only the OP he wanted to block.

I would only do this when I wanted a warning that someone was home.

OK so he has almost certainly been this angry at you and avoided screaming. How would you feel if he did?

All the people telling you that its perfectly understandable would not be saying that if the tables were reversed.

Not unforgivable but then neither was absent mindedly putting on the chain.

I think you should of put in the OP, you were out at work because it reads like you left home to collect the child and your DH put the chain on the minute you left and locked you out, which he obviously didn’t do deliberately. Which makes you even more unreasonable for speaking to him the way you did

Read the whole thread. Explore the context here.

I've been enraged beyond measure, in a seemingly disproportionate manner - to the point of pure explosion.

Women have wonderful instincts. We often ignore and suppress them. Our wonderful emotions will tell us when we don't listen to what we should listen to.

There's more going on here that OP needs to address for herself. Her emotions are very appropriately letting her know things need to change.

The anger is a reflection of so much more than this one incident. There is a build up.underneath this that needs exploring when she gets 5 minutes ( ever).

Please go bake some Apple Pie or something Betty.