AIBU for shouting after being locked out with my sick child?

I imagine they have a chain as their DS is autistic and wanted to ensure he can’t get out!

OP, I'd be very pissed off, my DH gets so absorbed in work when he's at home and I think this is something he would do too.

Also, think it's weird everyone thinks he was having a wank!

Absolute misogynistic bollocks.

So we should just put up and shut up when we’re being seriously inconvenienced? Nah.

Some people lose their temper and shout, it’s not just a woman thing or that women feel we’re “allowed”. Some couples have arguments where they shout. If it’s a mismatch where one person is massively shouty and another isn’t, or is traumatised by someone raising their voice at them I’d get your point. Not all people view shouting as abusive. Personally I’d rather someone shouted at me than stonewalled me. I think the latter is more abusive. If there’s a threat of violence or someone coming into your physical space and shouting in your face that’s different.

Apparently, @Kittenwatch, ‘key chains’ exist. You could still put the chain on the door to keep your son inside as usual, but if you’re on the outside of the door you can use a key to move and unlock the chain.

ETA: I’m glad you and your husband have been able to talk.

So you left work to collect your sick child?

Ah - the privilege of men who don't multi-task, don't take on the head space burden, can compartmentalise to the point that They are not checking to see if you are back, thinking abut you and your sick child etc.

I really sympathise OP - you get to the point where you are under pressure from every direction and THEN end up under pressure from your own guilt because you go OTT, shouting.

Hopefully you can both talk about it calmly and let him know how it feels to have been wiped out of his mind in a difficult moment, and he can apologise, and you can apologise for yelling.

Parenting, working, kids with SEN, its a lot... sometimes the wheels come off.

I can understand the frustration, we have lots of issues with the door and keys stemming from our 18 year old's selfish behaviour of losing keys and not thinking about the rest of the family. He can't seem to hold on to HIS keys so if he can't find it he just takes someone elses. Our stupid door can't be opened from the inside if it's locked from the outside and the last drama was my son leaving for work and locking my DH in the house without a key to get out. My DH had to leave for meetings and was beyond furious.

I was not involved in this as I was at work but inevitably get calls from both and disturbing and upsetting me unnecessarily

I think your anger like mine is that we even when busy think of others all the time while our male counterparts don't and that is frustrating.

That was my thought too.

He sounds like he has ADHD, that's the dumb shit I do. FYI- I'm not having a wank when I do this stuff.

Maybe the thing to do is apologise and bear it in mind if your dh ever does lose his temper and shouts at you once in the next 10 years for a moment of carelessness on your part.

Honestly, if.your shouting is a rare occurrence just let it go ( assuming you appolgise and your dh accepts it as well as apologises for his lack of thought

Yes indeed

I get it, we shouldn’t shout but sometimes men’s thoughtlessness and selfishness pushes you to the absolute brink

I definitely do not think hers was bigger!! It’s hot, ds was sick, and they couldn’t get into the house even though he knew both of those things , plus that the op was working too, and then it was physically difficult for her to climb through where she had to, even without the heat… I don’t know any saints who wouldn’t have yelled!

Ohh I would 100% shout if I was you too!! That’s so annoying.
im guessing he was in auto-pilot mode and just popped the chain on without thinking? But still he deserved to be shouted at for not bothering to look at his phone that entire time! And he must have heard the door bell!!
i do it in auto-pilot mode a lot 🙈 even when it’s not needed .

So, the chain is never ever used of a day. However, he took the opportunity to put it on because you went out and were not home.
You say you are baffled as to why he put it on.
Yet, you also say confidently, that he was not doing anything nefarious he didn’t want you to know about, was not having a wank etc.
Hmmm

That sounds like you have worked through a horrible situation like adults. Well done and don't blame yourself too much for losing your temper. You had a sick child and those so-called mama bear instincts are always near the surface.

Once you've had a chance to think clearly, is it possible that your husband is also neurodivergent? There is a strong possibility, and even if it is mild with him, I have to warn you that it can worsen with age ask me how I know. Living as I do with a late diagnosed ADHD husband and grown up children, one ASD and one ADHD, I have learned to plan for all sorts of possibilities and develop family strategies to cope with them. Yes, I can be viewed as a nag, but I don't care. Strategic planning has made life more comfortable for all of us. (I have no idea how they'll manage when I've dropped off my perch, but at least I have tried to make them resilient).

Then presumably on those days you wouldn't lock the house in such a way that the other people who live there are completely unable to get in?

@Kittenwatch i think while you shouldn’t have shouted it will all calm down in the end. Hot, bothered. Sick child, he’s having a stressful day, you’ve had to leave work!

my husband sometimes locks are front door without thinking. He often does it when he’s leaving the house and while it can’t easily be unlocked it’s just annoying but sometimes; If it’s me doing the school run, I’ll unlock the front door, and then he’ll help me pile the kids out and when he shuts the he will just lock it before he takes the key out. I stupidly go out without keys often 🙄🙄🙄🙄

Well I'm fucking baffled, the amount of times I see on here 'who on earth leaves their door unlocked' usually on threads about people arriving unannounced. It actually made me lock my door a lot more.
Now we are at ' why on earth would he put a chain on the door' 'what grown man uses a chain' like he's some kind of wierdo!
What kind of question is that? People put chains on their door for safety, he's upstairs and anyone could come in the house, what the hell is wrong with putting a chain on? You know you don't have to hate every husband around? It can be OK for someone to make a mistake, shock horror.
OP as a more reasonable, logical response I can understand why you were frustrated and lost your temper. Your husband really didn't mean to leave the chain on and he's seems very sorry for it so best for both to apologise, hug it out and move on, it was one of those things.

Not one person in their right mind would think hes upstairs having a wank whilst leaving his wife and son locked out, as you say hes not some evil fucker who is belly laughing as his wife is having a metdown at the door!
Fuck knows why some of these womens brains go straight to that, they literally despise all men so much they can't even comprehend that a man could have simply just forgot the chain was on! I despair at this place sometimes.

You don't have to be in fear of your life for something to be abusive. Emotional abuse is still abuse (a general point, not suggesting that the OP was abusive).

There's a reason why women shouting at men is seen as less bad than the reverse. We all know the reason and it's obtuse to pretend in conversations like this that it doesn't exist. The reason is that two women a week are killed by their male partner.

The reality is that when the OP shouted at her partner, I'm sure he felt a lot of things but I'd be willing to bet he didn't feel afraid. That doesn't mean shouting and screaming is ok, but it's not the same as the reverse scenario.

I wouldnt either-however I would have thought about what they would need when they got home. I usually unlock the door in advance if I'm going into something I can't be interrupted from. I also have an emergency over ride the do not disturb for emergencies.
Edited to correct stupid autocorrect

My works rarely sacrosanct but days when I'm interviewing would be exceptions to that. I wouldn't check my messages whilst interviewing either.

I don't buy shit memory as an excuse. Bet he remembers what he needs to or has systems in place to help him. I would have lost my shit too - interesting that your work/life/energy is open to interruption but his is sacrosanct.