AIBU for shouting after being locked out with my sick child?

I think you need to let it go. From what you’ve written your DH is a ‘proper’ husband and Dad, not like a lot of the men we read about on here who are essentially useless. We all make mistakes, it rarely happens, it could be you doing something stupid tomorrow. Time to get over it now.

And you are right, no matter how angry we get, there is a level of shouting that is not ok.

you should apologize for the lashing out.

I just think first it’s ok to acknowledge to yourself what a bad situation you were in and how it happened. This wasn’t getting your feelings hurt. This was real stress and pain.

It's mumsnet and he's a man.

Wanking is the least people could accuse him of. I'm surprised someone hasn't accused him of putting the chain on so he could get on with his hobby of bludgeoning baby seals to death.

Yes wimmin don’t ever be angry it’s “abusive” 🙄🙄🙄
For hundreds of years we’ve been conditioned to fear being angry and told it’s bad and wrong, it’s how they control us. No thank you.
It’s not abusive to shout at someone once FFS. Maybe if people stopped crying that everything anyone ever does is abusive we would be believed more about actual abuse.

Given the fact you use the chain because of your autistic child he’s probably in the habit of putting it on and done it automatically

I’d be annoyed too.

I’ve got a child with ASD and medical issues. I also have health problems of my own. It is exhausting and sometimes
terrifying.

Your fury is justified. At the very least he should be looking for a way to give you a break as soon as possible so you can recover a bit physically.

I would look into an electronic lock. You have to guard the code religiously and if your ASD kid is like mine they are very good and figuring that kind of thing out, but otherwise they are escape proof and stupid human proof.

Did you ask him why he put the chain on?

Oh dear. We have a chain but the only time we put it on is when we are about to go to bed. I once put the chain on when DH was out late, and he once did the same to me (both genuine autopilot accidents, not deliberate or tit for tat) and trying to wake the other person up to come and unchain the door is really difficult. it is a fairly easy mistake to make.

I can completely under your DH not checking his phone while interviewing people though. That would be very rude and unprofessional. But I’m that if you rang the doorbell that didn’t cause him to think “oh no, I left the chain on!” and excuse himself to open the door.

I’d say you’ve had an awful day - you are interrupted at work and had to leave, you are worried about your son, it’s super hot, etc. I’d guess all your anger at the whole situation blew up into range about this one small mistake. Honestly, I think you owe your DH an apt for getting so over the top angry, because it sounds like most of this was general rage that got focused on his one small mistake.

Rather than jumping to that conclusion, would you not think that he put the chain on absent-mindedly when doing upstairs, given that they do out the chain on every night. Have you never done something and then afterwards have no recollection of doing so ?

It was annoying, no doubt about it, especially in this hot weather. But in fairness to your DH, he may have put the chain on totally absent-minded, not even realising he had done so, given that you out the chain on the door each night. And perhaps he had his phone on silent and just didn’t see your messages or was totally engrossed in his interviews that he didn’t check his phone.

What on earth has happened to the world of mumsnet at least that a husband doesn't remember to take the latch off the front door and the first thought is he must be having a wank! Op had told him she was collecting ds and coming home! Yes he was thoughtless but he is suddenly some sort of sex addict who sits at his desk wanking when he's meant to be working. For fucks sake people have a word!

He forgot, it was hot, the child was sick you are cross.

This does not translate to LTB. Mumsnet is wild.

I would hope that he was suitably apologetic.

Is it habit? As its safer for your son i could see he could be doing something like this without thinking.

Try to calm and reduce your anger.
It isn't worth it.
It wasn't intentionally malice.
Unfortunate but not intentional.

You should have been arrested and charged with violence.

I think in the context of an otherwise loving respectful relationship, losing your temper 3 times in 20 years shouldn't be a deal breaker. Presumably you didn't hurt or intimidate him or say things that are unforgivable. So once you've calmed down, apologise for the way you delivered the message, but not for the message itself.

I'm sorry OP but he put the chain on because he didn't want you to catch him doing something.

I think what a lot of us women have to understand is that it doesnt matter how we think we were provoked, it is never ok to be verbally or physically abusive and scream and shout at people. Never ever unless you are defending yourself from physical assault.

It doesnt matter how wound up you were or how tired or hungry or whatever. I would never allow a man, even my husband, to roar at me in anger. He'd be out the house that night or I would with our kids if he refused to leave after behaving that way.

I have no idea why some of us women think the rules are different for us because we have a vagina.