AIBU to feel envious of a friend’s much easier setup?

It’s hard OP. Having the initial involved partner would help with taking opportunities at work and even meeting someone else. Which in turn means it’s easier for her life to carry on getting better 🙃

Hang in there OP

Life can change in an instant, Op. Honestly, I've been on the side of no return, cant change things. I lost my two babies in the NICU [twins] two and a half years ago, it was very drawn out with hospice and removal of life suppprt. Now My mothers day/christmas/their birthdays ect are spent starting the day visiting a grave.

Why am I telling you this? You never know how shit life can get until it does. No one is immune from tragedy. A lot of people would think dh and my life is ideal. We went on to have a baby after but honestly I'll never get over losing my baby boys. If I could wake up and it not be real I'd jump at the thought. To strangers we look like the perfect fam though

You need to live in the present or you will spend your time resenting and being envious of others and your kids childhood will pass you by. I know things are tough as a single parent and it must be a kick in the teeth seeing others get lucky. But think of this way, you are a good mother, working hard against the odds to provide for your kids, that's an achievement. The only thing that will go against you is if you lose sight on what you actually have - hopefully healthy kids and your health. Your children just want your time and love. All the perks of wealth are meaningless without it.

I used to get so angry at families with twins or people with chidren. Even after I had a baby after my boys died, I felt envious of families just out laughing and enjoying life as if nothing was wrong. The reality wasnt, it had nothing to do with these strangers, it was me, and battling the grief. You need to battle this jealousy. It just eats you up.

I really wish you the best. I hope you dont lose that friend either. Parenting is hard, Op, and you are doing it on your own. I admire that. But dont let it consume you

Well, this isn’t exactly a coincidence. Your friend chose to have children with a man who wasn’t a complete loser. This was a good life decision on her part. And then though the relationship didn’t work out with their dad, she chose wisely again and married a good man. This isn’t luck. You could have made those choices too. I mean, I think you can feel jealous, sure. But it’s not like it’s her fault she’s been sensible and wise.

Sometimes friends’ lives make you feel shit about your own life and it’s not their fault but it’s OK to take a step back for your sanity. You don’t sound like you begrudge her her luck more than you wish you had some of it. I am sorry you are in such a hard situation. Parenting is really difficult on your own.

At least she is nice! I would try to be happy for her, and try not to compare.

My exSIL had an affair, left my db and their two kids age 4 and 8 to be with her new man and flaunted him all over SM. Then decided she would like to be a mum after all and was utterly evil trying to get the kids back and said all sorts of awful things to db (she liked to phone up drunk in the small hours and screech abusive comments at him because SHE wanted their old house and db refused to move out - it was a rental and he was on the lease but she liked the house and wanted to live there with her new partner).

Anyway despite her being a despicable drunk and a nasty human being, both men stuck around to help raise the boys and fund her “party lifestyle”. They both truly cared about the kids.

I really wanted karma to deal her a blow, but of course it hasn’t.

No, but as its women carrying the consequences its in our own interests to be very choosy.

What else would you suggest to curb these scenarios?

Does the waste of space ex have family who could be potentially interested/supportive? Do you occasionally try to search for him or his parents?

Bound to be a woman's fault ....!

Then women should be extra "picky" at choosing who to procreate with - as it's invariably the woman who ends up as a single parent.

I would bet there there were plenty of red flags that were merrily ignored or excused........

Maybe in the hope that they will come to embrace parenthood.
Mine didnt and 35 years on he has 3 adult children who are all doing well for themselves and dont want anything to do with him. He regrets it now but I have no sympathy for him whatsoever . He did it to himself and he he bloody well knows it!!

A lot of men change after children. Many men are selfish. Very few pitch in enough and help whether together or not.

I'm going to get flamed for this - but I am already baking hot so here goes....

Why do so many women have children, some time multiple children, with utterly useless men who make utterly useless dads?

Its natural to compare. Describing her situation as a 'punch in the stomach' is quite an extreme reaction though. And all it does is negatively impact you - a kind of self inflicted pain. If you can find a way to recognise her good fortune but not internalise it as a punishment to yourself that might help.

Sometimes it's just down to random Luck.

Sometimes it's down to the choices we make ourselves.

Did you choose the father of your child wisely OP?

A lot of men change too once children come on the scene. Is this down to certain women's poor choices too?

Life can change in an instant. Cancer diagnosis, terminal illness, terrible accident. Focus on what you DO have, not what you DONT.
Good health is the most precious thing you can have.
Get out more, look at the world. Go online dating and ask your "perfect friend" if she would mind the kids while you go on a date.
Put yourself out there!!

Sounds like she has good taste in men, as someone who had terrible taste in men for a long time and had kids with not one, but two useless idiots I would advise this, take responsibility for your own choices, accept that it mad elife harder and work on your self esteem.

I am not saying that to have a go at you or out you down, I have been there. I did a lot of therapy and my life is greatly improved and I am really happy. Therapy isn't for everyone but there is a great book on amazon - overcoming low self esteem. Then the next person you choose will have more chance of being a great supportive partner too.

gives her half of all big costs. Like new clothes, uniform, big birthday presents, dental costs etc.

Well the money's for the kids. I know what you mean, as you're comparing yourself with her, but the baseline should be that a dad pays for half the kids' costs. This shouldn't be some super lucky thing nor framed like he's somehow giving the mum money, because it's not going on her at all. It's nice that her new guy is also flush, but you've no idea what people relationships are really like and it's a real waste of your limited energy to envy this friend when it's about the kids not her. Everyone decent tries to do their best for their kids, and in that way, you and your friend and her kids' dad are all on the same level, doing your best with what you've got. The anomaly is your ex and as you say he's gone there's nothing to be done about that. Focus on yourself and your DC and keep on doing what you do. Comparing yourself to people who have more will never help.

Stop meeting up for a coffee op. Just say you have too much on.

Based on that level of contact I would say that you don't really know what her life is like. No one has it all and no one really knows what other people have going on.

No this is not true. It happens too many times. I have met at least four women whose exes just swanned off.

Many move abroad too.

Maybe she's been more picky than you when it comes to men, and therefore has a tendency to choose a bit higher quality men than you might? I don't know your circumstances, or why your children's father isn't around to help you, but it's not hard to conclude he must be an ass - and perhaps showed signs of that before you chose to have children with him.

That's my take anyway. From what I've noticed, women with good men have usually strategically gone for men with certain qualities and potential, and don't tolerate, or gave patience with, red flag behaviour (however small it is).

Sounds like she makes good choices when it comes to selecting a partner. Don't get jealous, talk to her. What does she look for?