AIBU to feel envious of a friend’s much easier setup?

I'm sorry your ex is so crap. The fact that your friend has a more supportive ex and current husband is neither here nor there. Why isn't your ex paying maintenance?

My children's father is dead so he isn't coming back either.

Is it harder than having a great active second parent? For sure, but wishing it were different doesn't change anything.

OP, get 'Let Them' as an audio-book, it has a great chapter on how envying people about things you cannot control is not only pointless, it means you have less energy to change the things you can change.

You have no idea of the quality of her relationships or how her children feel about it all.

Focus on making your own little family happy.

I think in these situations I would focus on the positives in life. You (presumably) have your health, your children have good health & are happy & well looked after by you. You have a roof over your head, food, income, nice school/nursery for them. Just think how much worse it would be without these 👆I always think how very lucky I am compared to say people surviving in impoverished third world countries. We are the fortunate ones.

I have this situation with my best friend OP. She married an older very wealthy man and has led a charmed life to the extent that even when she is about to do something stupid, fate always steps in and prevents it. Her husband died some years ago, but she remarried two years later to another extremely nice man who is also well set up financially. She lives in a beautiful house, pursues an expensive hobby and has several holidays every year. She hasn't really worked since her teens, but is enjoying a wonderful 'retirement'. I honestly don't begrudge her happiness and prosperity but just wish that my life could be easier. Even after working for 59 years, I have little to show for it and an ongoing worry with two very poorly family members. It really is a case of 'life's a bitch and then you die' and It's hard not to feel resentful.

I would say try to let go of some of the shame of feeling envious. I actually disagree with people saying you sound like you don't like her.

I had this for a while when I couldn't have a second child - I had a seething jealousy of people pregnant with their second. I found that trying really hard to supress that emotion was unproductive. Instead I try to acknowledge it to myself but be pragmatic - their success/ happiness is nothing to with my sadness.

You know this already of course but sometimes really spelling it out to yourself like a mantra is a good thing.

Comparison and envy are the thieves of joy.

She’s obviously ‘lucky’ that her ex is still being a good parent, as many aren’t.

She’s also met a lovely new man who wants to make a life with her and her children.

You might find the same - who knows? 🤷‍♀️

It is natural to be envious. I am also envious of others who have (had) it better than me. Your friend has an easier life. Her life worsening or improving had no effect on yours except the envy. I think once you accept the envy as natural and legitimate you will stop the internal struggle between the voice that says you need to (only) be happy for your friend and your actual mixed feelings.

Maybe she didn't keep having sex with men who are a waste of space? You knew the father of your first child was a waste of space but still had another. That is on you.

I on the other hand had my dd with waste of space ex, then as I was leaving realised I was pregnant again, he has never met ds.

Why keep having sex with the waste of space? Take accountability for your own decisions instead of envy of others.

Your time will come x

I married a ‘wonderful man who was a great father’. We lived mortgage free in a house worth almost half a million and had a great life, until he sexually abused my daughter (his too but I chose to forget that). I’m now a single parent of 3 living with parents, claiming benefits for the first time in my life and unable to get a job. He’s now awaiting trial for 13 sexual offences involving another victim too and indecent images.

so excuse me if I tell you to f**k off with your judgy statements. When I met, married and decided to have children with him he was an ‘upstanding member of the community, on lots of committees, had a great job and had never been a waster or a deadbeat dad, until the truth came out I had no idea.

Come on, there’s no need to be so unkind

THIS. This is like my friend telling me I am soooo "lucky" with my weight when I work out like crazy at the gym, keep a strict diet whilst she eats whatever she wants and is sedentary. No judgment at all about her choices but dont then lecture me about how "lucky" I am because its not bloody luck.

It’s normal to feel like this so be kind to yourself! When life gets shit, I always think that there are people out there who has it worse than me and I appreciate what I have.

I agree with this really even though I know it sounds harsh.

I have lots of friends that pick really poor partners and seem completely blind to the absolutely glaring red flags. When it inevitably goes wrong, they claim that it's bad luck and there weren't any signs that their partner was so awful. Nobody ever contradicts them as it seems cruel. When hints are subtly dropped then they either become defensive or don't appear to recognise what is being suggested.

OP you had two children with a useless man. You are now paying the price. Obviously your ex is to blame in many ways but you have to take some accountability yourself. Your friend is blameless though and a complete red herring. You are directing your anger at her as she is highlighting the true cost of your poor decision making.

This. You’re imploring us to “be kind”, but where is your kindness to your supposed friend? You not only can’t be happy for her, but you take it as a personal affront that you haven’t got what she’s got.

It’s depressing to think anyone would consider a friend’s happiness “a punch in the stomach”.

Whenever I feel envy toward a friend, I remind myself "I know how bad my _ situation is and how hard it is for countless others. Isn't it a relief that at least this person I care about doesn't have to deal with that as well?"

I think you’re being really unkind.

sometimes jealousy takes over and you can’t help how you feel and react.

the op has acknowledged she is jealous so the least you can do is be kind and not beat her with a stick.

Not unreasonable to feel envious at all. Really, all sets ups should be like your friend has, but (if MN is to be credited) it seems to be vanishingly rare to find an amicable and equitable co-parenting set-up these days. Try not to let it eat you up as so many mothers are in your shoes and making the best of it.

Is contacting the child support agency to get absent fathers to pay up no.longer a thing? I know they are far far from being as good and as effective as the should be.

Or are a lot of women posting her with children from jack the lad cash in hand self employed cowboys?

I think there are some harsh posts on here OP and whilst we can’t know for sure, I suspect many of them are not living in a situation like yours, from where is very easy to trot out the ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ type statements.

I have 2 DC with v little contact and no maintenance from their Dad and it’s brutal. It’s made harder when you see lovely people who have what you would like. I don’t think that’s being bitter or being entitled. It’s just normal human nature and it’s ok to feel that way. You aren’t wishing her any ill- just you an easier life. Yes she may have made better choices of partners but that’s in the past. You are where you are now and it’s difficult to stand by and feel like a 24/7 Pollyanna about it.

It’s only not ok if it starts adversely affecting you and your life. Your life is hard enough as it is. In your shoes I would perhaps see her slightly less - not break off the friendship but just so it’s not in your face quite so often.

In the mean time think about small things that you are a) grateful for in your own life and b) what small steps you could take to feel better about your current situation. Can you think about what that might look like?

For example you may not feel ready to date just yet (that’s a very personal thing and I have only recently started) but trying new things - like a new exercise class, a book club, trying in increase your friendship circle , a choir or whatever that could lift you in other ways? I know it’s hard if they are young but I joined a choir and my childless friend babysat for a couple of hours a week. It was joyous and was my once a week escape. I met someone there who is now one of my closest friends.

Can you think of anything that would bring you some alternative joy in your life if it’s not dating?