AIBU to feel envious of a friend’s much easier setup?

She chooses well you do not. Maybe if you get a boyfriend see if she likes him. Maybe she sets her standards high watch and learn.

Comparison is the thief of joy. A Mumsnet phrase that really sums this up. I have friends doing much better than me but I am genuinely pleased for them. They probably have times when they envy me for things.(Not many!) We are all just trying our best. A genuine friend is a priceless thing and should be cherished. Keep this in mind.

Jealousy is so pointless - why are you jealous of her set up (that you really don’t know the ins and outs of) but not consumed with jealousy of lottery winners, celebs with amazing bodies, people with amazing well paid jobs etc just put it out of your mind

I totally agree with @Monzo1ss. You need to distance yourself slowly and be friends with people who are in the same position as you

meant choices

It’s just luck I don’t think she makes good choice of men than you when they ended up splitting up? My ex is hands on as well and I have friends whose exes don’t care about the kids . I just find that some men are evil the fact that you can have a child and not have anything to do with them at all is bizarre

Also single parenting doing it totally solo. Honestly I am so pleased and heart warmed by situations like your friends. Im encouraged that good relationships and people are possible. Maybe for the future.

meanwhile I get on with it. No point comparing with anyone !

I’m trying to be kind, but the truth is you’re overly invested in your friend’s personal life and now you’re jealous. You can’t be a good friend to her whilst being jealous, so it’s just a frenemy set up. Maybe you need to fully distance yourself from her and find friends that have a similar background/lifestyle to yours, to stop yourself constantly feeling lesser? If this friend’s mere existence is causing you upset/anguish, then the kindest thing you can do for yourself is take yourself away from the situation.

Jesus wept. What am I reading? How utterly unsupportive. Blame the OP for poor choices, poor decisions....just be better, OP, eh? Better.

Honestly OP, I've been single for 17 years I did everything right. Long courtship, children post marriage, kept working. Not a vulnerability in sight. Didn’t stop him cheating, buggering off, and being an utter arse when it came to money. Did see the kids, but always on his terms after he failed to secure residence by lying about my unsuitability as a mother

I did fuck all wrong. Same as you. People change. Shit happens. Relationships don't come with a crystal ball. I stayed. I supported my kids. I worked stupidly hard. He has very much reaped what he sowed as they have little to do with him as young adults. Stay strong. Keep going one day at a time.

I've been on both sides of this situation. I was widowed with very young children, and it was hard looking around at all the families with two parents. It was also extremely challenging hearing divorced mothers complaining about how hard single parenthood is when they had at least every other weekend child free.

I am now in a much more fortunate place, with a loving husband and father to my children, and we don't have big money worries.

Bad things happen can happen to anyone. Sometimes they are partially due to poor choices (the fact that you "discovered" you were pregnant as you were splitting up with your children's father points to this), and sometimes just from bad luck. Good things can also happen to anyone, but I would argue that they are more likely to happen to people who make good choices in their lives and also have a good attitude - not seeing themselves as a victim.

ARE YOU OK?!?! Clearly not. Go and address your comments to OP and not me.

Quite honestly don’t know what the hell you are on about to be honest. I didn’t write this post, maybe address your comments to the OP.

Are you ok?

Of course it's not luck, you don't get assigned a mate in a draw!! It's your own choices.

I don't buy it. I've known enough deadbeat dads (including my own) to know they were poor choices to begin with, they didn't have huge personality changes. People are who they are 🤷

This kind of story reminds me a bit of Traitors. If you watch all the series you realise that some people can spot traitors with a scary amount of accuracy. They must be excellent at picking up micro expressions and reading people in a way that others aren't. On the other end of the scale you have people that cannot identify the most obvious of traitors. They will claim that they were completely blindsided, there were no real signs and they don't know how other people identified them.

I have friends that have had partners like you describe that superficially tick every box but I have been very wary of. I know it sounds ridiculous but their 'vibe' is off, even though they aren't doing anything wrong. I would never admit to them that I thought this, even after the relationship ended. It would feel a bit like I'm trying to gloat or make them feel stupid for missing something when I don't think they've been stupid at all. So I would be the sympathetic friend agreeing with you that there was absolutely no way of knowing.... I'm not saying this is the case in your specific situation but it happens a lot more than people admit. You want to support your friend and it's hard to do this whilst saying you had bad vibes all along.

Some of us are extra picky. My ex and sons dad was a head teacher and in good standing with community. Highly Intelligent and popular in a nice way. Didn't drink unless we were out for an occasion, didn't have alcohol in house, never done drugs, never smoked, good money habits etc. On paper was fantastic. Great dad, did trips, always happy to watch while I went out evenings etc to classes, nothing was too much trouble.
Until child turned 4 and he decided he should now be back to getting just as much attention from me. He never lacked attention whatsoever but like many men he suddenly decided his balls overruled his head and walked out one day to have an affair with his secretary.
It was SO cliché I actually laughed when I found out.

Not sure what red flags I missed there but as every single one of his friends and family were utterly shocked I'm guessing we all missed them

How is choice of partner pure luck? This is a really unhelpful and illogical take on OP's situation. Until she starts doing the work understanding her previous choices and why she made them then she is more likely to repeat negative patterns.