To think the daily routine is impossible. Disgusting house

Do you really sleep for 8.5 hours a night? Not knocking it if you can, but I would never be able to sleep that amount. If I sleep 8 hours one night, then I really struggle to sleep the following night because I’m not tired enough.

if you work FT with two small kids one autistic and are on your own, the only way to do is getting a cleaner. There is no point in trying to squeeze housework between calls, going at night, in the long term you will be exhausted. Either you accept the chaos or pay for help. Do not be embarrassed with a cleaner, they see it all. I would suggest to invest in one deep clean with a couple of cleaners to get you in shape and then 3/4 hours a week to maintain. It will change your life

You have 3 separate issues

1. The husband, but sounds like you have that in hand
2. The current state of the house
3. Maintaining the state of the house

For 1, 2 adults in a house but only one doing the heavy lifting makes it harder to keep on top of things. My partner is currently doing it all. I have bad fatigue, pnd and a baby at the moment. It's hard to keep on top of things. There have been other times when my partner has stepped away from the household for reasons and it's been hard on me. In a healthy relationship you do this for one another.
The other thing factor that is not to underestimate and that is the emotional and mental drain of an unsupportive partner and you might find once you are on your own you have more energy and time for life as well as getting more small bits of time through the day to get your peace freeing up time later in the day for keeping on top of things.

1. A house that feels on top of you is harder to keep clean and tidy. It's harder to be motivated to go back and start. Once things are in a good state of clean and order - everything with its place it makes a difference.

1. Once you have routine it's easier to assign particular jobs to different days. Be wary of comparing people that only are in this position and without issues and 1 and 2.

I met a friend for a coffee a couple of weeks ago and I complained that I was drowning in washing. I couldn't put more washing on as i had run out of washing baskets as there were 3 with clothes ready to be put away. This meant I couldn't empty the tumble dryer which meant I couldn't empty the washing machine which meant I couldn't put another wash on and the laundry baskets were getting full. She replied with oh I'm so glad it's not just me that does that!

Until last year I was well and working, I did online food shops every week and had a fairly similar shop each week.

We do tumble down or batch cooking. This means we cook every other day and on the other day it's a case of reheating or simple adjustments to a meal. This frees up time do catch up with a chore whilst also reducing a chore by making less mess of the kitchen.

I have an almost 6 year old and we have started to get her more involved with jobs in the house. Until October we were in her room until she went to sleep but our current routine involves half an hour of audio books followed by guided meditation that plays all night. She didn't sleep through the night until nearly 5 and the meditation made the difference. We give her two summons each night. We haven't told her that we wouldn't actually not answered but we do say after she has got us to come up once that she only has one more so she'd better make sure it counts. We check with her when we turn the audio books off if there is anything she needs.

Pick a handful of activities that make you feel better and more motivated to do more. I class these as my gateway activities as they give me the lift I need. For me its cleaning the downstairs loo, the bathroom sink and hoovering the lounge.

Nonsense. Kids (and adults) only need a shower /bath every couple of days. If sweaty, muddy, dirty then more often ,otherwise every other is fine. Ditto with changes of clothes.

@ComeOnNowww you have a lot going on but well done for making a start today. Aim for progress and not perfection. It sounds like you are doing it all on your own so a divorce isn’t going to impact your day to day.
maybe as a one off , you could get some help in to just help you get on top of things? Then it’s easier to maintain? Do you have any helpful relatives nearby that could give you a hand? Well done for laying off the wine, your future self will thank you for it. If you are looking to lose weight switching wine to herbal tea is a good start already!

Well done. You should be very proud of yourself and the boys.
Once the lazy lump moves out you’ll feel much better, things will improve. It’s very difficult when you’re carrying around a dark cloud of misery. He should be ashamed of himself.
Do not feel embarrassed at all hiring a cleaner. Those who deep clean as a job love it, they’re naturals.
They’ll have seen worse.

Never be too embarrassed to get a cleaner. I’m sure they’ve seen it all.

Kids making their lunch boxes….. Don’t worry about how they do it but praise them for their efforts. And allow them some choice so they engage with the process.

I find if the bathroom is clean and the kitchen is tidy, the rest of the house looks less of a tip….. even if it is…

Great that you are planning to call divorce lawyers but make sure you have a list of questions. Ask AI for assistance.

You are clearly on a roll!! Michael Moseley’s Fast 800 is great for weight loss and I like Growingannanas and Heather Robertson (on YouTube) for exercise.

When my DH works away my kids often just bath twice a week, and they are perfectly clean with a hands and face wash. The exception being if there are any wee accidents which are rare these days.

Sorry op, I've only skimmed through but your load sounds heavy. I have 3 kids but have a husband who pulls his weight. I get up at 6 though, to have a peaceful tea and to get the kitchen straight and get lunches made before the kids wake up.

I gave up wine a year and a half ago and everything is easier without it! I miss it but feel far better for it. Loads more energy.

Check your iron levels too. Just in case.

My younger kids arent very independent but am working in it.

Definitely agree with getting rid of the clutter/stuff!

Good luck.

Just came on to be absolutely amazed and awestruck at this. I wish I could be this organised. I have to nag my 4 and 6 year olds 1 million times exactly to get dressed and unless I hover over them to make sure they're doing it, they dick about dancing around in their knickers to k pop demon hunters for half an hour and make me late for work 😂

Agree on starting early, I’m on my own in the mornings as my husband leaves at 5.45am. I get up then, half the time my 5 year old gets up at the same time. Both kids up breakfast dressed and in school uniforms and out the door by 7.40. In that time I’ve also done at least two things, wipe down bathrooms, vacuum etc. sure il drop dead some mornings but it gets done

You are right to prioritise sleep and downtime.
Do you have a tablet with FaceTime or WhatsApp? You can prop it up in the bathroom during bath time and video call your kids on your phone while you clean up the kitchen. You can chat to then and keep an eye on then. It will save you half an hour.
If you can get the kitchen cleaned and the odd load of washing done during the week on top of effectively single parenting and full time work you are doing very well! Other tasks can be done on the weekend while the kids have an hour or two of cartoons.
Remember, the only people who will see your house are friends and family, who ought to love and support you despite a bit of mess.
All the best for getting rid of Mr Useless.

I have been there and sometimes still trying to stay afloat but what helped:

• Involved the kids. I have 3 kids including boys in primary school and if they tidy up, vacuum and generally help they get pocket money. Money i incentivised them 😂
• Every morning I put a load the moment I woke up. I also bought a dryer and since getting it it has saved my life.
• My husband is responsible for bathrooms. He does a good clean once a week (ie removing limescale from a bathroom etc) and we put bleach in the toilet daily.
• During dinner when I finish (usually the kids take forever messing around). I load dishwasher, clean the kitchen etc immediately while the kids are still on the table.
• I bought a cordless vacuum cleaner and I vacuum daily kitchen/dining when we finish dinner.

@ComeOnNowww it’s so hard. I only have one crazy 5yo but totally understand where you are coming from as he is physically exhausting. I have realised that I value the couple of hours before bed too much to waste in on doing things. I used to feel like I couldn’t do anything until he was in bed but then by the time that happened I was too shattered to do anything. I started trying to make sure that I am pretty much always multitasking when I am doing things for him.

So, cleaning up kitchen as I go when making dinner- empty/fill dishwasher when waiting for pasta to boil, wipe down as I go etc. Also one pot/minimally mess making meals, e.g throw pasta and broccoli in the same pot of water, lots of air fryer meals etc.

Wipe down bathrooms and throw on a wash while he’s having a 10 min play in the bath.

Tidy away clutter in the 5/10 min gaps between putting him to bed and getting him his 96th glass of water.

I also optimised my storage to make sure tidying is easy- storage baskets that the toys can be chucked into, laundry baskets in every room etc. Everything has a place and it’s not instagram worthy but at least on the surface it looks tidy! If you have too much stuff to have a place for everything then chuck some stuff.

I also gave up on hanging out clothes and use the dryer for everything which I know isn’t ideal but at least if you are wrecked you can just leave the stuff in the dryer over night and not add to the clutter.

That way once it gets to 9pm the house is relatively tidy and I can sit down and actually relax rather than sit down but feel like shit that the house is a mess. It doesn’t work 100% of the time but it has improved things somewhat!

Not all children (particularly pre-puberty) do need a bath daily. Unless they are properly unclean/ warm and sweaty or have been doing sport. I let ds have a splash around in the bath most nights because he likes it but he could easily get away with no bath and a wipe down with a flannel for a couple of days.

Op is clearly struggling so she is allowed to make her life a little easier provided she's not being neglectful or leaving the kids smelly.

Such as....?

Please don’t adopt this grim habit. you know where all these stinking adults come from, the children who thought having a bath was optional!

Hi @ComeOnNowww i was a completely loan parent ( but only one girl) but had quite a full on long job. I agree with @JLou08 do little bits as you go. Sounds like H needs to move out for a bit. Or if he doesnt want to he has to do something whilst you put the kids to bed.
I have always tried to have a cleaner as much as i could afford to. Then i did washing thurs night, house admin sunday night and a regular weekly online food delivery.
when my dd was little i struggled to get up before 7 but as she got older i got up at 6am and that hour made me feel calmer. I didnt ever drink when i was alone but i never had the stress of dealing with an annoying husband like you have.
it's so hard and i really feel for you xx

Being a minimalist.
Only having what you need and use, anything new comes in something old goes out.

I use one of my days off to clean and do all the housekeeping crap but if I worked full time then I simply couldn’t do it. I would have to employ a cleaner and more.

maybe the kids can start to do something?

I am starting to put in place a few things like: children take out bins, they collect their washing… online food shop. But it only scratches the surface.

try putting the routine up where they get ready (With pictures if they struggle to read). I've seen some with a fold up flap for each bit then velcros, so once they've done that thing they pin it up and move onto the next one.

EG

Toilet Toothbrush pjs into hamper underwear on clothes on

brush hair breakfast check backpack and water bottle leave for school

Then ideally a visual checklist of what goes in the backpack too, next to where it's kept.

Same for bedtime, visual checklist, so you know (& they know) when they've got everything they need and it's time to go to sleep. [And once it's all ticked off, you don't do more stuff, you just put them back to bed]
Probably want to include some stuff in the evening checklist to get ready for the morning, eg picking clothes out and putting them somewhere specific.

If you watch some supernanny stuff, she's got loads of examples of charts and routines and stuff, which would work for lots of families as they're all like, handmade and totally customisable.

Also if you leave your conditioner on to soak in for a few mins, that's the window to scrub the shower! You could keep a one of those washing up sponges with the handle you can add soap into in the shower for that purpose!

Maybe already mentioned op but what about one of those clocks that turns different colours for when it's time to be in bed and when it's time to get up so the kids can have a very visual cut off? Would something like that help?

My only comment is that one person isn’t able to manage full time work and full time house management successfully. That’s why historically we’d be looking at a man working and a woman taking care of the house. Or hired staff. There just aren’t enough hours in the day to be on top of both. I don’t agree with the comments about waking earlier or losing your house pre sleep - you need these to remain sane.

I know you are saving money but a cleaner every 2 weeks would make the world of difference!

I LOVE KC Davis’s book “How to keep house while drowning” - it really drains the shame around all this stuff and is fiercely practical. I wish it had been around when my older 2 dc were little and I felt like a total failure. She’s absolutely brilliant. Someone upthread mentioned Remi Clog on YouTube, too, and I love her.

Yeah, I’d knock wine on the head if you feel it’s interfering with your sleep, etc. (Apols if I misread/misunderstood.) I gave up drinking when my older 2 were little - I was caring for my then-H who couldn’t contribute around the house, one of my DC was autistic, my XH was chronically ill and addicted, and I was depressed. (Fun times!) Booze did not help one bit.

We have a cleaner come every fortnight now. It IS expensive, but I make savings elsewhere - basic cosmetics, don’t drink alcohol, buy everything secondhand, etc. I know not everyone can do that.

But my biggest recommendation is to read K C Davis.