To think the daily routine is impossible. Disgusting house

We have a cleaner for 2 hours every 2 weeks. She does the kitchen, living room, dining room and bathroom. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without her. I’m a teacher and DH has a physical job so he’s also knackered when he’s home. 2 kids and a dog and lots of sporting activities seem to result in endless washing and mud 😆 honestly our cleaner is a life saver. I do appreciate that might not work for everyone for many reasons, but this is our solution

Mysteriously, once when I apologized to my cleaner for the state of the house that day, she said ‘oh it’s ok, on the other weeks I have a house of New Zealanders’.

We didn’t have much language in common so I never got to the bottom of this.

But of course if your house is actually too dreadful, the cleaner will refuse. But that’s not going to happen. What will actually happen is you’ll come home to a clean, tidy house once a week.

Please don't beat yourself up but I do think getting the kids on board to look after themselves / help around the house a bit is a good way forward.
I'm guilty of over-helping my 4 year old but recently I've been firmer - she is capable of dressing herself so she should. And I'm planning on having that as a firm boundary by the time she starts school in September. Also, I've started her now doing little chores - just small things like being in charge of putting the cutlery back in the drawer when the dishwasher is done and watering the plants. I'm laying the groundwork now that we're a team who get to have more fun together if we help each other out to save time.

I tend towards chaos too, so I know all the feelings you're having. And I'm not great with routines but have realised now she's 4 that not having firm routines set in stone already is causing a bit more chaos than is necessary so hoping to rectify that before the school years start 😭🫣

I only have one girl OP, and my partner and I both work FT. He is amazing, does all cooking and shopping and loads of cleaning so I am fortunate....but even with that we have grime I can't handle either. Do not beat yourself up! A few tweaks and it will be better...but you're doing a wonderful job! x

Take things one step at a time. Trying to solve every problem you have in one go can get overwhelming. You have managed one improvement last night, which is a big win! Don't think you've failed if you don't manage to get everything done in one go though. Its a marathon, not a sprint. Work out the top priorities or things that will make the biggest difference, start with them, then work your way through. Things like losing weight will be much easier when you are rid of the deadweight (MIA dad), feeling less anxious about the housework and getting a better nights sleep. Good luck!

OP don’t be embarrassed about getting a cleaner, some cleaners relish a house that they can really get stuck into! I’ve seen a few local posts recently looking for cleaners who won’t judge because they’ve let things slide for whatever reason and there’s always recommendations for people and also cleaners answering the ad saying that those jobs are their favourites!

Oh I feel you it’s hard with kids. A few things that I’ve done that have made a massive difference.
Get a caddy and put all of your daily cleaning things in it, cleaning spray, polish, window cleaner, some wipes and clothes. Means your not hunting for different cleaning tools, you take that out and youre ready to clean.

set a timer. 10 minutes only. Focus on one room. Turn it into a game to see how much you can do before the timer goes on. You would be AMAZED what you can do in 10 minutes with a clock ticking. I can clean my whole kitchen (not a deep clean obviously), get rid of the rubbish on the sides, load the dishwasher, quick sweep and mope of the floors in that time. It might not be spotless but it helps hugely.

build things into your routine. Give the toilet and sink and floor a clean while you’re supervising kids in the bath.

make beds immediately after you get up.

put a basket (doesn’t need to be permanent, just use a washing basket) at the bottom of the stairs walk round the house and everything that’s migrated downstairs throw it in and take it back up.

Why are you wasting your time on 8-9? Just let them stay up, tell them to read or do quiet time before bed and tidy then?

@ComeOnNowww
1.Encourage the kids to start helping you now
If your sons are hyper, they can help with the housework but I recommend getting them into the routine of helping now- I've done this and mine will help now. I accept this is going to be tiring initially but if you invest time in getting them to help now, it should pay-off as they get older. Give them small but manageable tasks - if they're strong, show them how it to it properly then let them have a go. Don't be overly critical as they may get fed up. Put some motivational music - ' St Elmo's fire is a good one or whatever music they like.
2.Hire a cleaner - as per other suggestions but try what I've suggested above.
3.Better storage solutions can help with keeping a house tidy.
4.Cleaning equipment needs to be visible and accessible to kids (not chemicals like bleach/sprays if they are not old enough to use them correctly - I mean dusters, hoover, dustpan and brush etc..)
5.Put away precious breakable objects
6.A regular family meeting of no longer than a couple of minutes with motivational factors (points for cleaning and the chld with the most points at the end of the month gets a prize or whatever works for you).
7.Whatever your intentions with your husband, if he's under your roof, he needs to pull his weight and if you're cooking the meals, paying the bills etc... then you need to drop big hints that these things won't happen unless there's help.
8.Whether you all stick to the same chores or rotate depends on the nature of personalities, any special needs etc...

That sounds utterly exhausting.

Get a cleaner now. They’ve seen everything.

The absolute minimum you need is a bit of cleaning help.

Not sure what MIA is.

I don’t think you are doing anything wrong, you just have too much on your plate.

As a solution of a kind, you could take some annual leave whilst the kids are still at school and methodically declutter the whole house and clean it as you go. Then get a cleaner to keep it cleanish going forward (you’ll still have to tidy with a cleaner but at least no dust in bathrooms, etc. provided you have a decent cleaner who takes pride in their work).

In some ways women have won nothing by gaining the same work rights as men. We still have to carry and birth the children and then most likely look after them and cook and clean but then also work like a man on top of that for the vast majority of each day. And it is not at all a choice - these days nearly every couple has to both work to manage the mortgage repayments, i.e. the bare minimum.

Not read the whole thread but just wanted to point out that having a child with SN massively impacts. If your children were independently dressing and getting their own breakfast this would ease a whole load of stress and free up time. You probably dont realise how significant this is. I'm saying this as mum to 2 SN kids - in the early years before they were both fully diagnosed I beat myself up endlessly for being 'shit' and finding it so much harder than seemingly everyone around me. I wasn't shit, I was dealing with a LOT that parents of NT kids just arent. Be kind to yourself OP, its a lot. Add a completely useless H into the mix and it's no bloody wonder youre drowning. IT'S NOT YOU!!

I think as other posters have suggested, getting up at 6 seems sensible. Set yourself a challenge of 1 room per day for the next 14 days. It sounds like you’ve let it build up too much so that it’s an insurmountable task.

Get up an hour early. When the boys are eating tea, clean the kitchen around them. When you are working from home, where you would take a 15 minute break, or your lunch hour use that to do specific small tasks broken down.

A one off cleaner would be my choice. No matter what they’ve always seen worse

Don’t do this!! They are young enough to need proper supervision in the water, not a baby monitor type setup.

A quick shower, or just a face wash some evenings is fine.

Yes to taking advantage of them having an hour of cartoons, but never leave kids in the bath.

Don't be embarrassed. Hire a deep cleaner for a one off (they will have absolutely seen worse) and then consider a regular one to keep on top of it.

We are not superhuman. Those mum's saying they can't live in mess are either lucky with support from their partner, stay at home, spend less time with the children because they're cleaning, have less hyper children or have a cleaner. They're doing something you aren't, but also you're doing something they aren't.

Also, you're in the trenches with two boys of that age and with Autism thrown into the mix. Life never stops. Give yourself a break (mentally) and stop beating yourself up.

Firstly, you are just about keeping your head above water because you are in survival mode - well done.

The household being a complete mess is a reflection of the relationship breaking down. He’s given up. You’ve given up on him. It’s over. The kids feel this.

So focus on where you want to be this time next year and work towards that.

I’d say: divorced, living in a nice (smaller) new build - with dramatically less ‘stuff’ (this is key) so that life is manageable. The kids go to their dad’s every other weekend and you have time for yourself and to keep on top of your house.

Now work towards that:
Divorce - crack on
Declutter MASSIVELY as if you are packing to move (because you are). There is no point in you moving things to a ‘To Go On Vinted’ pile - just take it all to a charity shop and get it out of your house. Blitz.

Book annual leave and a cleaner to come on the last day and have a blitz day with you.

You are going to need time, energy and accountability to clear a backlog of clutter and cleaning. Make a structured project of it. Watch Stacy Solomon ‘Sort Your Life Out’ for inspiration. Write down your goal for your life/ home this time next year and then make it happen.

I have an autistic child (possibly two, waiting diagnosis for the youngest) and work full time too so I get it. My eldest doesn’t fall asleep till about 10pm at the moment and needs help getting to sleep still even though in year 5.

I found it easier after getting divorced as I was then only clearing up and cleaning for one adult. My ex was useless so all his stuff fell on me. You may find similar!

I wfh so get a lot of stuff done on my lunch break. Please don’t put extra pressure on yourself, with an autistic child you already have extra challenges. I’m sure you are doing amazingly x

Be kind to yourself. You have an adult manchild who won't lift a finger and are working full time with two young children. You are bound to be tired and if that means things aren't pristine then it is very understandable.

I would start by asking for help. So if you have family nearby ask if they can have the boys for the next 2 or 3 Saturdays for a few hours in the morning and then drop them back by whatever agreed time. That way you can clean in peace. After tou have done that deep clean, do little but often to keep on top of it. So when you wfh put the washing on before the kids are up, that way it will be done by time they reach school and you can put it out before you start wfh. Make sure to take your lunch break and take 10 minutes to hoover or give one of the rooms a tidy etc.

Reading that reminded me of the main characters selfish absent husband in Motherland a little.

I had a hectic life for about 12 years, when kids were little. We did have a cleaner though and DH whilst still having to be told what to do sometimes did a very big chunk of stuff, he liked doing laundry, one of his ancestors was a laundress and he joked it was in his genes.

Your husband sounds dire. The sort who has not coped with the attention given to the children especially as they are males. Well that was my departed Mother's theory and she had great insight in to the human condition. He also reminds me of that quote ‘men love women, women love children, children love hamsters. So many men are just selfish and when it’s not all about them they behave badly.

Get your 30 mins free advice and go armed with a list of questions. Of some friends who have broken up I have known some men’s behaviour get even worse, two men moving overseas to dodge all maintenance. Another ex husband was a solicitor with his own firm I can’t remember exactly what she said but he paid himself in a way to minimise his actual income, maybe dividends. Not my friends but have read on here of men giving up work to avoid maintenance. I have also read terrible incorrect information on here so please seek proper legal advice.

@ComeOnNowww great to hear your update.

I actually think you’re doing really well - you have a huge amount on your plate.

i worked p/t, had a cleaner, a supportive husband and still felt I was drowning at times. Three boys close in age - mums of girls don’t get the chaos that is boys! Try audiobooks, godsend. 🙏

People require different levels of sleep to be able to function. Also the OP did say she struggles to get to sleep (so do I, whatever time I go to bed). I’d bloody love 8.5 hours sleep a night.

Of the eldest has ASD, have you tried Melatonin @ComeOnNowww? It helped me to get more time in the evening.

Dont the kids get free school meals at that age. You need to make life easier

They read to you in turn before bed

Reward chart for staying in bed.

If you wfh drop them half hour earlier and tidy round for 20 mins. Stick washing in and put out lunch time.

Teach the kids to help. Little jobs and sticker chart.

Get rid of lazy dh.
Stay strong 💪

Huge well done. It’s the little wins that make the bigger wins possible. I honestly was where you were, I was in an unhappy marriage just over 6 years ago, and I didn’t act, thankfully my ex h did act and found himself a gf haha so did me a favour and forced my hand. I’m now remarried and we’ve added 2 more gremlins to our household. I highly recommend just pulling the plug on the marriage no point waiting around. And will be a huge step towards your future. Will be tough but will lift a huge burden that’s currently weighing you down.

honestly well done you will start to feel much better being proactive. Xx

Your situation sounds tough. I dont do early mornings but I do later at night, probably don't sit down till 10:30. Sleep midnight to 7am ish. I also have a hard work bedtime with kids but have managed to move to me popping in and out a bit more with them and then putting a bit of washing away, wiping a side. I keep going in and out and doing bits here and there until they are asleep, and then maybe something bigger like the kitchen floor, after they are asleep. I don't have a huge system other than do what's in front of me or bothering me most. One thing I heard once that has helped me is "it it's worth doing, it's worth doing badly". May sound counter intuitive but if you think its worth the bathroom being cleaner, it's better to do a crap 5 min job at it than not doing it all. And often just those little bits add up. I often say that to myself when faced with the something like the stairs need hoovering and it feels overwhelming, so I'll tell myself just to do a quick job of it, even if not perfect. Good luck, hope you a manage to get to a better situation with your DH.

I’m currently enjoying Taboo with Tom Hardy as lead. BBC iPlayer.