To think the daily routine is impossible. Disgusting house

Also having extra second hand uniform so you have plenty before it needs washing, ready meals every now and then

It’s the husband OP trust me. One mine went a lot of the dust and mess just went with him.

I dont know if others have said but could/do children have school dinners? Then they have sandwiches for tea? You could already have made that, cheese on toast something easy that doesnt take you an hour to make and eat. The extra time could be spent bouncing on a trampoline doing running in the garden for the children and you could be cleaning kitchen. It might stop the back and forth to bed a bit? Or , could they have bathtine every other night? That gives another hour freed up while they can have an activity to do whilst youre cleaning whatever room they're in?
I get having to dress them for school. Is it stressy or could you just have their clothes ready and chucked on them. Then give them a star chart for: putting bowls in sink/dishwasher clothes in washbasket and bathing themselves. No big deal if they dont but huge praise and a treat for accomplishing?
Lastly does it take you a long time to sleep because worrying about house, hatred for lazy arse h or something else? If its house then possibly getting up earlier in the morning would deal with tidying and your lack of sleep?
Really feel for you. Our house is a shithole too!

Seen MIA husband update now. Hopefully he will have the kids for a reasonable amount of time when you split so you can try and catch your tail. He sounds depressed at best or just a useless lump at worst just lying on the sofa

My practical tips involve child labour

1. get the kids to tidy their toys/room
2. get the kids involved in household chores - be it a little one having a dust, a bigger one emptying the bins, another one loading the dishwasher. To be done whilst you are cooking or right after and before bed.
3. set youself up mini tasks, so first glass of wine load/empty the dishwasher, 2nd wipes the sides down/mop up etc.
4. have a 2hr cleaning window first thing on a sat morning, whole house involved doing whatever their tasks are

introduce incentives

so for the kids, daily chores either are a small amount of pocket money to build up (like 20p a task) or points for a reward. Say the reward might be choosing where to go on the days out etc.
sat morning tasks have to be done or they don’t get to go out, this has to work or it backfires on you (sorry)

finally I would also incentivise them to stop the getting out of bed to buy yourself some more time to relax. Maybe get them to collectively save towards what they see as a higher value outing but they need to behave/do the chores to earn it.

MIA hubby

sounds like he needs adding to the kids daily chore list but I’d maybe be a bit more hardcore and tell him to step up or pay for/contribute towards a cleaner. I’d task him with chores to start. He could even take the kids out alone on a sat afternoon to give you a break

you sound frazzled non-stop every day but it doesn’t all rest on you.

Pay for a cleaner
Give the dc a box each for their belongings when you need them put away or moved upstairs.
Do things like give the shower a good scrub while you have conditioner on your hair.
Break it down into smaller tasks such as Monday I hoover the lounge and dust , Tuesday I wash the kitchen floor etc.
whizz round with the hoover at least one evening a week

I think let the boys go to bed a bit later and focus on just trying to keep bathroom clean
if your husband wasn’t around you’d probably have a lot more energy!

if there is any way you can get him to do anything at all with the boys that would probably help the most

or sell the jewellery get a cleaner and be able to enjoy your free time a bit more!!

Tbf, mine wouldn't sit and watch TV for 4 hours whilst I cleaned, and they wake earlier in a weekend than a school day cos, kids! 10 minutes every hour is far less likely to result in the kids causing more mess as she cleans another Room.

What would happen if you just dropped them (literally) on him and left the house?

Cut yourself some slack to start and pick your battles. Sounds like it's tough going at the mo. The more you feel down about it, the more overwhelming it is. You're doing OK! You've a husband adding massively to the stress (and mess I presume) and actually, it's not easy cracking on with cleaning when you have an unwanted house guest making you feel at odds hanging around. It may be easier once he's gone.

Then, strict mum time with bedtimes. No messing or they lose out on treats. Once in bed, stay in bed, that's the rule or.. no TV tomorrow or whatever their choice of thing is. Keep going and it will become the norm. I am one of 4 kids and that was a very strict rule in our house. Only thing allowed in the bedroom was reading at bedtime, but still not allowed to get up!

Then, write yourself a bite sized list in order of things that you want to do first. Need to deep clean a bathroom? That's a job for a couple of nights and still allow a glass of vino. Children's rooms a tip? Get them to help out, get them to help out over the whole house too, be better for the future too. My partner is a lazy bugger with housework, I put on an LP loud, tell him it's time for a 'bleach party' and I make him help clean up, you could do something like this with the kids, make it more fun.

And... it's ok to live in a lived in house, accept that with young children, busy job, doing 100% of everything that it's never going to be a showroom. Trick is to get it to a level where you feel comfortable, not overwhelmed with. Good luck!

My house is shit too, OP, like really shit. I keep the kitchen clean most days (well, I reset it daily, it doesn't stay clean all day) but the bathrooms are proper dirty in between cleans. I found some really impressive black mould around my bath this week when I finally made myself clean it, it'd been that long.

I don't like it, but I don't feel as bad about it as you. It doesn't make me feel I'm a shit mum because I know I'm not. The times I feel like shit is if I've snapped at them because I'm in a bad mood about something else, or if I tell them I don't want to play because I'm going to scroll or clean instead.
I truthfully think you're getting it right when faced with a hard choice. But you don't? Do you know what's different? Was your childhood home proper clean and tidy? Mine wasn't- it was surface clean but lots of clutter. Perhaps that why it doesn't bother me as much.

I just wonder if you might be able to reframe your thinking rather than reboot your routine.

I think even just one deep clean will help you reset. Take an annual leave day and hire 2 people in for 4 hours. The three of you will smash it out and it will be back to a manageable level.

Get your boys on board. Do you want to raise boys who are equally as useless as your husband?

Tell your useless lump of a husband he is an embarrassment and to GTFO.

Two points though, firstly only takes op 20 minutes to do a round trip for school drop off!/ pick up. It takes us 20 minutes there, 5 for goodbyes etc and 15 minutes home. You sound like your commute is more similar to mine.

Secondly, op has a good husband so all that stuff in the morning, it doesn't fall on her every day. The clebaing up, entertaining the kids,, weekend chores etc. She shares, the nurfen whereas you're shoukdering it all alone.

Your house sounds more like mine, 3 boys aged 6-11,eldest has autism and cannot be hurried into any bloody thing. 6 year olds are hit and miss. All 3 hype each other up. And some days I'll be honest, there's an edge of why bother, it'll jsit) just get messy again.

At 5 and 6 I'd not bath them every night. Let's face it, it isn't calming them down as part of their bedrmtime routine. Do they a, roeon?

What about the weekend OP. Can you not find 3-4 hours to clean on a Saturday morning whilst kids in bed or watching tv etc?

Cleaner OP! just to help you. It'll change your mental health drastically and take the load off. Even if you have them once every two weeks

8-9 let the kids stay up. Do a 15-min family pick up with some fun music. They can burn some energy and help out at the same time.

I’m retired now and my house is great. But when I worked full time and the kids were small.it was a disaster area. Try not to let it get you down too much. It won’t always be like this. And it’s not the most important thing in life.
I also moved from an old Victorian house to a new build when my lot were teenagers. And it was so much easier to clean and keep tidy. I think old houses are more difficult to manage

I have ADHD but unaware when my children were young,I always got myself organised with school uniforms,packed lunches ,book bags in the evening.
so much better than getting organised in the morning! It really worked for me.X

You'll be surprised at how much less mess there will be with one less person in the house.

Some random suggestions, in no particular order:

Practical steps to lose the deadweight: Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies, family solicitor websites
Declutter and minimise possessions, especially clothes and toys. Pare everything down to essentials.
Labour saving devices: robotic vacuum, cordless Shark or similar, plus a handheld permanently plugged in the kitchen; dishwasher and dryer if you don’t already have them; dishwasher-safe mini-food processor to reduce chopping time.
Whenever possible, cook enough protein for two days; chicken, salmon etc can form part of a pasta or rice dish the next day.
If you can, get up half an hour early some mornings and break the back of chores that are piling up.
Use daily shower spray every day; clean sink while brushing teeth; clean shower while you have a shower.
Kids don’t need a bath/shower every day. But they do need to help clean - turn it into a game (they are old enough to vacuum and clean the bath; it may not be very effective now but they’ll get used to it and learn on the job).

And remember, you are not running for mother of the year, and it will get easier.

It’s kind of like second nature, I guess (sorry, not helpful). I grew up with a clean freak mother (I’m nowhere near as efficient as her!), so it’s all I know.

Declutter so less to put away. Get kids to help throw stuff away. Get a cleaner even just to do one room at a time

I understand how frustrating this is! I found getting rid of a lot of clutter (literally hiring a skip) and decluttering is a huge step to make things easier. Also, don’t beat yourself up about it, most people are exactly the same.m! X

This is the routine for whichever of dh & I is wfh, the other is up at 6.30 and leaves for the train to the office at 7.40. If both in the office kids skip spellings and music practise and are dropped at childminder at 7.30am. Those days are maybe once a week and are a rush/no time to clean much.

Up: 6.30 (me), 6.50 (kids). Kids are 6 (dd) & 9 (ds) so they dress themselves etc. I don't have to wake them,they wake naturally somewhere between 6.30 & 6.45.
Downstairs by 7, kids are down with me. I don't bother with much makeup or spend ages styling my hair so getting up is quick.

7 - 7.30. I make a coffee & drink it while the kids get and eat their breakfast. I will also tidy/wipe the kitchen if its a mess. Eldest (9) eats quickly and then unloads dishwasher. Between 7.30 & 8 dc are doing music practise/spellings/homework. I'll be listening/commenting/available but am also making packed lunches (only takes 5 mins) then quickly blitzing bits in the house - throwing a load of laundry in machine or giveing the downstairs loo a quick clean.
8am - 8.25 : getting kids shoes coats and bags ready, gym stuff for their clubs or instruments for band packed, out the door by 8.25.
Drop to school at 8.35 home 8.45. If i missed coffee earlier I make one now.

Work 9 -5.20

Get kids 5.30. Give them some extra supper

Youngest ijn½ bed by 7 30, eldest 8.15.