To think the daily routine is impossible. Disgusting house

Don’t hold yourself to these standards. Virtually no one is doing music and spelling practice before school ffs

I bet your house is nowhere near as bad as you think.

As for the kids no more water/extra cuddles when they are in bed. If it’s warm like now, they can have water next to the bed. If they get up just wordlessly put them back to bed. No interaction, hugs, story etc.

my house is only small (3 bed semi) and my husband is around but worked long hours when they were wee and my house was a shithole. It’s so so bloody hard. They won’t be 5 and 6 forever. It gets easier. Hang in there.

A cleaner is not a luxury for your situation. In our parents generation the man worked his 9-5 without burnout because he had wifey at home doing the housework. Now we're expected to do both?

I was a lone parent with similar aged children when I decided that rather than paying a babysitter so that I could have a night out, I could afford a cleaner for a couple of hours. I don't know how much they charge where you live but hopefully around £15-£20 per hour for a good one is realistic there.

We arranged our cleaner to come on Monday while we were out. I encouraged the boys to tidy their stuff for a quick hour on Sunday after tea "in case Sam tidies it to the wrong place and you can't find it". This reset after the weekend worked well because there's only so much mess you can make after school/work so the house stayed good until the weekend. Then we did lots of stuff together at the weekend so they were happily tired out.

You'll also find that when the man child finally leaves, the housework will reduce so much. ( Sorry your relationship didn't work out and wishing you strength in the coming months). Just wondering if the clinginess is partly down to them sensing dad has checked out and needing reassurance that you will still always be there for them.

Sorry you’re having such a tough time. In terms of practical tips, I’d think of it as something that can’t be solved overnight, it’ll take time, but you can do it! Also do whatever you can to preserve your hour of peace as often as possible - we can’t be on all the time.

I’d start with a full clean. Start with a list of everything that needs doing and put it into a priority list with approximate timings (ChatGPT can do a good job of this if you need/want), then look at the time needed and add 50% on top - things always overrun. Then work out how you can get that time (couple of days annual leave, couple of days off sick if that’s what it needs and it doesn’t jeapodise your job!!)

when you’ve got the clean / tidy house you want, it’s easier to keep on top of. And once you have it as you want, start with one new objective at a time. I’d probably go for instilling a rule that the kids can play in one room, if they want to play somewhere else they need to tidy the mess in the original room first. It’ll take time and you’ll feel like a nag, but after a while it’ll become habit. You’ll need to demonstrate/ help, but they will get the hang of it.

when that’s established (or whatever you decide is the priority) it’s onto the next thing… if it’s bedtimes, be clear and firm and don’t back down. It can be done with kindness and love! It will take time to adjust, but they will get the message in time - it’s boring, but you have to be relentless.

and on to the next thing again… one (boring!) job at a time.

for the bigger stuff like keeping bathrooms in good order etc. if a cleaner is an option, definitely do that. If it’s not an option, I’d either sacrifice one evening a week from your downtime (but get some good music / podcasts on, and a glass of wine at the ready), or get up earlier one morning a week to do it. Once the house is orderly (and the kids are helping as best they can) it shouldn’t take more than an hour or two a week to get the bigger jobs done. Everything else - you tidying, sweeping,
mopping, cleaning surfaces etc - is just part of the daily routine

Best of luck, hope you manage to get some order back (and that you can get your happiness back away from your husband!)

I have no advice other than to say I feel your pain. I'm a single parent and work full time and stuff just doesn't get done. I could spend time in the evenings but honestly by then I'm so done in I just don't have the energy. My kids are teens so a bit different. They also do absolutely bugger all to help in the house which I realise is partly my fault and something I need to sort out.

I hope you manage to get rid of the husband soon. He sounds utterly insufferable. Imagine being a grown adult and just opting out of doing any parenting, how embarrassing.

I don’t think it is time management. I think that there are highly organised people who cannot abide any clutter or dirt. My Dsis house is a show house, she can give it a good clean in 2 hours, as she’s highly focused, naturally tidy, puts everything away after use, her children follow her, she’ll blitz a dirty kitchen in no time, children will copy you, if the house is chaos and disorganised, your whole routine will follow the same pattern.

I grew up in a hectic disorganised loving but chaotic household, nothing was put away, couldn’t find matching socks for school etc. I prioritise having the house clean, always clean clothes, socks, bedding and bathroom.

My 17 year old is hectic and unorganised. I’d imagine she’ll repeat the cycle I’m trying desperately to break.

If you're having trouble keeping on top of things, it's likely that you have way too much stuff.

Start getting rid of anything that isn't essential, out-grown clothes, clutter, old or broken stuff, and be totally ruthless with it. This also applies to kitchen & bathroom.

Stick to just a few basic cleaning products - kitchen/bathroom cleaning spray, disposable cleaning cloths (like J cloths). Always have plenty of bin bags.

Flash Dustbusters are fantastic. If you have hard flooring get a steam mop. They're really fast and need no cleaning products. Just chuck the pads in the washing machine when you're done.

If the first deep clean looks impossible, maybe get a one-off clean. I would also be reading the riot act to useless husband and if he doesn't step up, then stop doing anything for him.

Concentrate only on keeping your things and your kid's things nice.

Get 2-3 plastic laundry baskets (like the plastic things you get in laundrettes). Also think about using a service wash to bag everything up and get on top of the laundry.

Once you've got the place in order, you should be able to stay on top of it in around 15-20 minutes a day.

Do not get up earlier!
Manage your expectations. When you have two boys of 5 and 6 the house will be messy.

To help get your house clean do 10 minutes extra every day. So after whatever you normally do, pick something and do it for 10 mins.

Your home will get cleaner over ti.e.

Be kind to yourself! Youvare in the middle of possible the worst part of life, mess wise xxx

Sounds like you could save an hour a day by getting stricter on bedtime. It's attention seeking, so don't give the attention. Once you've done bedtime once, take a leaf out of your husband's book - arse firmly on sofa. (Or you might be dusting or whatever, but whatever you're doing, if they get up, keep doing it). Say "back to bed", and don't say or do anything else. If they don't go and h complains, tell him he can deal with it. If he won't, ignore them. Make it boring for them. Maybe sometimes you could go and have your evening drink at a friend's place or down the pub, and how h deals with any bedtime stuff (after actual bedtime) is up to him. Men don't tend to put up with any nonsense of that type. Break the pattern, teach them that once they're in bed they must stay there, and at least one aspect of life will get easier. (They'll start up again as soon as you split, no question. Don't give an inch).

Mine is the same OP the one thing that made a big difference is getting a cleaner. So it’s still a bit chaotic and needs a declutter but it’s clean and mentally I feel much better. It’s hard to do it all on your own with young kids. If you leave your husband he will have the kids sometimes and you will find you can keep on top of it much better.

If you split from your husband, he will have the kids some of the time and you get a break.

Can you afford a cleaner?

Can kids stay later at wraps arrive care so you leave it to last minute to connect so you get half an hour of cleaning or cooking?

Sleep: get some headphones and fall asleep listening to podcasts. Depending on your age, try hrt for peri menopause.
Try also magnesium supplements.

This is a rain why birth rates are falling. Life is just too damn hard with kids. I was one and done, knew I couldn't cope with more.

A couple of things that I do as a very similar routine.
I get up at 6.20 (I know very specific!) and leave the kids in bed until 7.00, they are awake but either watching tv (older one), sleeping or quietly playing with toys.
Those 40 mins are great, I have a coffee listen to the radio, unload the dish washer put a wash on and start the porridge, fold washing that’s dry and generally potter about (I make lunch boxes the night before).
Whilst the kids are eating breakfast I think about what we’re going to have for tea, and chuck it in the slow cooker if it’s something like a chilli etc
After breakfast they start getting themselves ready, it probably takes them 30-40 mins as one always has a shower in the mornings.
My older ones are self sufficient m, my 6 year old puts on the uniform I’ve left him out the night before. Our smallie gets dropped to the childminder for 8.00, and he goes there after school too.
When we get home at 4.30 the ones that haven’t had a shower in the morning, have a shower in the evening. Our 5 year old has a shower/bath every other night/morning depending on what he’s been up to. He doesn’t get one every day and I find a shower quicker, easier and lot less faff!

Outsource, outsource, outsource. Make your budget work so you can do so; it is worth cutting other areas to help with the outsourcing; and/or if you are going to downsize, consider it as part of your moving budget.

At a minimum, get a cleaner. It is the price of the work your H isn't doing; or, the price of you working. If you need to sell your house, it needs to be clean and you need to be maintaining it as such for viewings etc.

Then, seriously consider taking a few days off work (using precious holiday, yes, I know) and hire a declutterer. It took me years to do so, and I have now done it twice (once to start decluttering because my house was a bombsite, and the second time to declutter both for selling my house, and helping me downsize for a move into a smaller house). They both cost me £35p/h and I would do it again in heartbeat.

Also, move house into a smaller house that is easier to clean and maintain. We used to live in a big ramshackle old house. I now live in a relatively new house, which is smaller. LIFE CHANGING (and cheaper).

You have three hours between getting home and the kids going to sleep - what about cleaning the kitchen whilst you are already in the kitchen with dinner on/supervising the kids eating. Cleaning bathrooms whilst they are in the bath, or pottering in and out tidying/cleaning bedrooms. If they are in and out between 8 & 9, could you stay upstairs and clean/tidy in between?

If they are up a lot, it could be that they are not tired enough for bed at 8 - you might get more peace letting them play downstairs in the living room until 9 and getting some chores down upstairs? Then blitz downstairs after they are in bed. Some children just don't need a lot of sleep - my 13 month old only averages 11 hours in 24.

I'd focus on (1) better bedtime routine and (2) ruthless decluttering. Mostly, my house is pretty neat and tidy because everything belongs somewhere

If / when you separate, will you move to a smaller house? That might be more manageable ie fewer rooms to clean

Practical tips? I feel like im missing something.

Stop posting on mumsnet and use the time for housework? 😛

I remember Laura Anderson posting highly cultivated / edited videos about her scanty time for skin care, now she is a mother.

I thought: maybe cut back on the video editing and social media empire, Laura, and you would have ample time for skincare 🙄

Single parent here. Working full time.
I clean little and often.

saturday mornings do a deeper clean while they play.
bath time- clean the bathroom whilst they are in the bath then clean the bath and shower as they are in bed
sweep every day- only takes a few minutes
wash up and clean kitchen whilst cooking dinner

The little wins go a long way.

Put your foot down with your husband. He either pulls his weight or he gets out.

Sorry for your useless husband.
My too tip is to ask the children to tidy or clean something after dinner and before dessert- you can only have dessert once you have tidied X Y and Z- works a charm for my 3 and 4 year old however all the toys are jumbled in the ikea trofasts we have but you can’t have everything. It looks tidy from the outside.
We also have a robot vacuum and i tell them the robot is going on in half an hour if it’s not picked up off the floor the robot will eat it.

I do the basics in the evening if I have enough energy. I regularly invite people round on a Saturday afternoon which gives me the incentive to do a bit more proper cleaning on a Friday night Saturday morning. I could do with a cleaner but I begrudge the money and never found them that effective

Posting for the tips. Baby twins and a 2 year old. My house is rank and we are constantly in a cycle of absolute mess, big clean, slow return to mess and the mess stress until we find some time to do it and even then it’s one room! There is no time!

It’s really tough OP, you have my sympathies. What will happen with custody when you divorce, will the children stay with him sometimes? This might give you an opportunity to get some things done around the house. And there will be one less person making mess. You could also consider downsizing to a more manageable house after the divorce perhaps.

How arent you having screaming rows with your lazy arse of a husband every evening?

tell him to get off his lazy arse and do some bloody work! Stop being nice!!!

Cleaner once a fortnight for sure, in between, robo vacs are absolute game changers. One for each floor. Its amazing how much better the house looks when the floors are clean. Amazon prime day is on right now and has some good deals on them. If you're not a member you can do a free month trial and get the deals

Wipes for the bathrooms, quick wipe round when you've finished, or while the kids are in the bath. Flash dust magnet for everywhere else, there's no need to do it all in one go, just flick round one room a day for five minutes or so and you'll see a huge difference. Clean as you go in the kitchen.

Yes, exactly this. We both work full time, plus overtime. 3 kids. So in reality I know that’s why the house looks shit.

I do wonder how other people seem to keep such a tidy place. But there is always a reason. Some people work from home for example, so the time i’d save on not commuting I could have hoovered/washed up/cleaned bathrooms etc etc

Just get a cleaner. Even 2 hours a week would make a difference

One problem might be that you are naturally more of a night owl so are acting against your natural rhythm which really doesn’t help. It means that suggestions like getting up at 6 are really not easy. You really do need your down time hour but maybe have a 15 minute burst of activity between then and bed.
Suspect that the issue is tidiness rather than manky dirty and cleaning is infinitely easier when there is less clutter so tackle stuff first. Listing things brings it’s own work so concentrate on getting stuff out of the house.
You need bin bags and boxes of some sort. Pick a room and start with it. Everything that shouldn’t be in that room either goes in the bin, in a box to go upstairs or a box of stuff that needs to be considered. Nice boxes for the last category mean that they can sit out till sorted and used later as needed. Then a session of putting the stuff away where it belongs. At some point you may need to tidy storage if you can’t fit any more in, but tidying rooms is more satisfying as it is more visible.
If you can then at the weekend task your husband with taking the kids out to take thing to the charity shop and tip (energetic children love throwing things into the the big skips at the tip) then he can take them to the park/swimming/whatever and for lunch.
I would try to get as much done before you split as possible so that as you clear areas you can get a cleaner etc while there are still two incomes coming in.
Not a fast process but worth plugging away at.