AIBU to feel lonely and left out at school events?

Why would you consider moving your children’s schools to facilitate your social life? That’s quite mad. And you don’t even like the fellow parents you see most often, so presumably don’t want to be friends with them anyway. So what exactly is the problem here? Some people you don’t like don’t like you either?

I could have written this myself. I hate going to school events because I feel so ostracised by the other parents. I've tried being friendly, smiling, starting conversations etc but it's pointless. It's like they're far too important and popular to speak to the likes of me. It makes me feel so sad and lonely and I wonder what it is about me they don't like.

I think this might be your problem, there is a stereotype for a reason, they will be looking down on you. They sound quite nasty and not the type of people you want as friends. I'm sorry OP, things may not always be this way, you will find your people but maybe just not these people.

What about making friends at work? Maybe your focusing on the wrong people?

I would try and do something for the pta. They usually meet in the evenings. Then events are usually evening too, or weekends. It does feel hard being left out and I do sympathize. Keep on arranging play for dc. In the end, we didn’t invite dc of cliques to
play. It felt pointless. Widening the net seemed a better idea. Not that friends for me were forthcoming but the pta parents were more welcoming.

Proximity means a lot - if you aren’t there very often it is hard to get to know each other. Maybe focus on other activities and groups in your evenings and who knows you might find some overlap of parents there too

Invite them round for a coffee morning/ meet at Costa after drop off? Go for a walk. Meet in the school hols or inset days? Is there is a class WhatsApp group? Suggest a mums night out to local pub. Kids parties?

Feel for you OP. This sort of thing is really painful.

I was incredibly glad when my children left primary school because I didn’t have to make an effort with the school mums who generally ignored me. I understand how difficult it is thinking this is the only place to make friends but do you actually want to make friends with them or feel it’s your only option?

The other factor can be if they have older kids and have established friendships that way. But again, not ok not to be friendly.

How big a group are we talking? There will be quite a lot of different parents. It's not ok not to include you and so maybe it's worth focusing on other parents in the class. Keep trying. Expect it not to work most of the time but when it does it will be worth it. Speak to your child about playdates he'd like, get to know which parents are friendly that way and then invite to a playdate with coffee. Parties can also be a good way to chat to different parents to see which ones are friendly.

I do sympathise OP. Are you on the PTA? I made friends through that. What I find is that there needs to be more than one setting in which you meet. So say you meet a mum on the PTA and then you bump into them at the park or your DC go to the same swimming lessons, that kind of thing. Gives you a bit more in common to start with but it’s hard to manufacture.

Our situation was quite different as DC went to a school nursery and then through that primary school so we became friends with the other parents when the DC were 3. They’re 16 now and we’re still friends with many of them but I will say a LOT changes when they go to secondary and a lot of the friendships melted away.

definitely try the PTA or similar.

But most people with children work. You’re not uniquely placed in that respect. Unless you’re a single parent with no ability to pay for babysitting, you have every night to go and do something you enjoy where you may meet people you like.

I think you sound quite aggrieved that, at least in your perception, the other parents have gelled. I think you’d be better off feeling less cross and sad about it, acknowledging that not everybody likes everybody, and that school parents aren’t your only friendship opportunity. I mean, do you even like these people? You never say so. Friendships involve active liking, not just being at the school gate with someone. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or them.

Don’t sweat this. I made a few casual mum friends but I worked full time and really the only thing I had in common with most of them was that we had kids the same age. Once your kids hit secondary age the vast majority of these friendships fall away and all that’s left are Facebook happy birthday wishes. Where there are genuine friendships they were most likely there before and/or are independent of school. Besides, from what you write it sounds like you don’t really have time for school gate friendships. If you lower your expectations to ‘say hello or have a casual chat’ then that’s the reality of most of those friendships, no matter how friendly they appear to be with each other.

im so sorry OP they sound really horrible though, I wouldn't want them as friends. you can do better than them!

I know when reading familiar threads people recommended “hobbies” but when do I have time for a hobby if I work full time s d only see my child on weekends so school is my only place to make friends.

Surely you can do a hobby literally any evening?

I think a lot of times people understand that these friendships often go way back, they have an older child in the same year, or the same club, or they all went to the school together in the same year group.
Many people just aren’t trying to carve out meaningful long term friendships from school pick up and the odd school event.

I can't cultivate these friendships either. 3 different schools (1 DC moved half way through primary) and I'm generally friendly with DC4s school parents but only an occasional chat at the school gates.
I've been to every pick up and drop off as I've always worked around them, I just can't break in.

Has your DC got a special friend he gets on well with OP? And is the mum nice? I would develop one DC friendship at a time and if you get pally with the mum then that's a win too.

Its the holy grail imo - a nice mum AND a nice kid who your child gets on with! I've been known to cultivate these friendships ...

I understand that this is upsetting for you. However, maybe these parents just aren't your "tribe". Nothing wrong with you or with them - you just don't match. That's just how it is sometimes. Keep doing one-to-one playdates and enjoy them for what they are but I'm afraid you can't force friendships. Your tribe is somewhere else - keep looking and you'll find them.

I had this problem at DCs last school. I know it’s easy to say but these are not your people. When we changed schools at the start of this school year it was like night and day. Some people just aren’t open to new connections or aren’t right for you.

How many in the school or class OP?

my advice is to stay away from the well established groups if unkind.

we have a school with 50. I am chair of parent council, so very involved.

One group, very pleasant, but friends since school and that will not change.

I have two friends. Both older. Like me, often not at drop off or collection.

I am polite to everyone, but made friends via volunteer things and my children.