AIBU to feel lonely and left out at school events?

@Lonelyyy My DD2 went to a very good boarding prep as a day girl. I know perfectly well not all mums had Range Rovers and high end clothes! My DDs then boarded at 11 onwards. Again a few had a lot of money (a new Roller here and there) but most didn’t. You are clearly trying too hard with a minority! Of course there are other parents who don’t have all of this! Your money is coming from a variety of sources but this idea of being humble is bizarre. At preps, who cares?! Try and suss out the dc on bursaries. Or others scraping the fees together. You just look at a very narrow selection of parents and do not like them. So you won’t get anywhere!

DD who didn’t go to a prep had the dd of a surgeon and a cancer specialist in her class as well as a few dads in finance. They went to a state secondary too.

Your first post was all about not having any friends, and how you didn’t have time for hobbies to make any. Now you just want to stand/sit with people you don’t like because they’re not ‘humble’ at school events? Well, maybe they sense your disapproval and that your interest in them is purely tokenistic?

This happened to me for years. When I finally made 2, yes 2, close friends they told me everyone was nervous of me! I was like "why on earth?" Turns out because I was about a decade younger and obviously have a resting bitch face. I was actually worried people were staring at me for all the wrong reasons. Just say hello, to one mum, whilst waiting for your child. That's my best advice and what I wish I'd done many years ago. Also volunteer at your kids sport for whatever you can do. Scoring, canteen, manager etc. Best wishes, remember everyone is feeling the same as you!

This. Stop making effort. It doesn't work and leads to you feeling bad. Just accept that sadly, they know each other and don't seem to want to make room for others (why do you even want to spend time with people like that?). You need to either be happy in your own company or get on apps for making friends / setting up play dates etc - try Meetup or apps through your phone - do a search and see what comes up.

You know, when you start seeing these people for who they are and decide to only give your time and energy to people who deserve it, you do feel better! I get you may prefer a friendship group even if it's filled with people you don't necessarily like or respect, but the grass isn't greener. I've experienced both over the years and have decided to not bother with people who don't make the effort. Happened today actually. Someone new was being weird and not trying to get to know me and I was like.. okay, I'll just give you the same energy. Zero. And didn't think about it again. It was great. Interestingly, she did warm up a bit later.

The few I have invited to my home were shocked where I live as I appear very minimal and wear nothing designer so the mums that look down at me must think( in my opinion )I am very poor. Again I don’t have facts obviously but this is what I think as I have been nothing but friendly to them. I drive a very modest car too whilst almost all of them drive range rovers. Come on you can tell when people look down at you. I get the sense they feel I’m not worth knowing If the mums you have invited to your home ever talk to the snotty mums, then they will be well aware that you live in a nice house. So if they really are looking down their nose at you, it’s not because they think you’re too poor to bother with. It might be that they don’t like your clothes or your haircut or your car, but they’ll be aware that there’s money there.

How much do you think you’ll have in common with those mums? If they’re judging your clothes and car? What would you have to spend to make yourself fit in with them? What would you have to change about yourself? And is it really worth it? I mean this with kindness but you need to stop hanging around on the outskirts of their group waiting for one of them to be nice to you. If any of them were going to do that, they’d have done it by now. Embrace your freedom to be who you are, without worrying that your ‘friends’ will dump you if your bag is Gucci rather than Chanel.

And those mums definitely won’t be friends by the time their DC leave school. They aren’t friends now; they’re situationships based on their children’s age and their love of designer clothing. They won’t even remember each other’s names in a few years.

I think so much of it is luck op, the kids playing together on a certain day so mums get talking or they bump into each other eg at soft play. When we joint our small rural school I realised there were tons of cousins there- it was nuts!! They of course all stuck together a bit but I have chatted to a fair few people too but it took time- 7 is soo young!! If you don’t stress about it it will all be easier as you’ll be less aware and so find it easier to start conversations (yes I know it’s a contradiction!!)

Again, you don’t like them, they don’t like you. There’s no difficulty here. Unless you want to be befriended by people you don’t like for some mysterious reason?

I totally agree with all this.

However, from your updates, this isn't the real issue in your life.
You say you are in a very unhappy marriage, and have implied that you have no friends. It is not the responsibility of other parents who happen to have chosen the same school as you to sort that out. You need to do something about it.

It is 2026. Why are you staying in "a very unhappy marriage" ?
You say you are a high earner, so I can't see that you are trapped in the way poverty sometimes traps people.

I think it’s with many things though you just have to try and try again. If the chat on Sports Day didn’t work, try again next event and so on. Volunteer for something even if a smaller capacity when working. But OP, if you do make friends with these mums and you are already low on time, what will change if you are having a chat anyway? Will you miraculously have more spare time to spend with these women and attend social events with them if you are included?

I think I’d never deliberately or meanly stop chatting to someone however if a mum is rushing past with, “Can’t talk, work,” constantly, I’d probably save my breath for the mum that can stop for a few minutes.

School gates are notoriously cliquey and not for the faint hearted. I wouldn't bother trying to make friends there.

I took my ds to weekend karate classes where I joined as an adult beginner. I made my friends there and at parkrun.

Sorry you feel like this @Lonelyyy. Not sure why another poster stated you arent a good fit for the private weathy/professional parent's and they arent humble due to your dc's school.

This isnt about you but I would stop trying to make friends with parents who are clearly not interested. Why worry about fitting in when they dont sound a very nice bunch of people. Are your dc's happy? You say you are lonely but these parents arent your fit and why would you want them to be.
I have three dc's in private school and I wasnt bother making friends. I was adamant but then I meet two ladies when my youngest started school. We just got on well and they are down to earth. I live in an affluent area but their is an minority that act very intitled. Ignore them. You will meet friends but dont try so hard. You will probably find the same at a state school so why would you move schools. Hope things improve for you. You will meet nice parents in the future or make friends outside the school environment.

When my DC started primary, I had just moved to this city, and over half the class had been in nursery together. They were all so tight, I really thought I'd always be on the edge of the group.

I joined the PTA, which helped me make a couple of friends and it just kind of snowballed. I volunteered for so many things over the years, so got to meet loads of different parents. I know so many of the parents in the school now and have lots of friends there.

I hate to hear of parents feeling the way you do, and sometimes I hear of some parents in my DCs school saying the same thing, and I genuinely feel they are reading it wrong. I don't think that they are intentionally being excluded. I know that I have probably seemed like I am not friendly or welcoming sometimes at a coffee morning or at the gate, but it is usually because I am stuck in to a chat about something that isn't just chit chat, so it is hard to invite someone in to it!
If I was having a bit of surface level chit chat, I would include anyone.
This has opened my eyes though, and I will definitely be more conscious of including people in future.

I made no friends at my children’s first school. I then moved and there was a class coffee morning every week. Early enough that even if you worked you could drop in for a quick coffee. Then I found my sons year group I had much more affinity with and even though he’s 22 I’m still friends with a core group . My other friends are from work - people I met in my 20s.

Really sympathise, they don't sound very nice. In fact I'd go so far as to say it is immature and not very classy of them to just ignore your friendly overtures. I mean, it wouldn't commit them to being your best pal, just to the bare social minimum of kindness and inclusivity.
You on the other hand can hold your head high as you have made efforts and been friendly.
It probably stings more because of the baseline unhappiness regarding your marriage, and the need for a support network outside.
Hope things will improve for you.

I don't usually send people to the GP for just being humans and having various emotions but if the fact the schoolgate hurts you a lot might be a sign you need your focus elsewhere and if you cannot do this on your own emotional power, I would find a way to journal, have coffee by myself and reframe it anyway I can but help myself

OP. I sympathise with you as I've been through similar situations, though not particularly at school (as I never really cared).
The first thing you need to do is work on your mindset - there is nothing wrong with you and you need to truly believe that. Love and value yourself as a person. Once you overcome that, you will naturally attract people to you with far less effort. Remain friendly with people but not in desperation for their acceptance or validation. Some will click and some will not and you must be willing to accept that. Overtime, you will develop relationships without being forced. You can try a few self help books e.g. "Boost your self esteem in 30 days" if you haven't already and find similar books. That's what I did and now I'm comfortable with the friends I've got, had to let go of a few that I was desperately holding on to even though it was evident that I meant nothing to them and I'm okay too even in situations where I find myself alone.

Aw I sympathise with you. I have a very demanding job and am absolutely stressed and exhausted. I’m never on form when it comes to making small talk with parents at parties. One DC who is popular frequently gets left out of smaller gatherings and told it’s cause I’m not friends with the childrens’ mums. I think that’s a bit shitty personally but hey ho! DC doesn’t seem phased so that’s all that matters.

I have managed to pick up a couple of mum friends along the way. The parents of DC2’s friends are way more chilled and less cliquey so it just depends how lucky you are or otherwise.

In your situation, I would focus on yourself and sorting your marriage out! Maybe worrying about these other people is a distraction. Making mum friends won’t make you happy…they’ll probably be transitional. Divorcing your miserable husband might!

I find these friendships tend to be "air" friendships, especially if you only see each other at school I don't see any of the parents anymore, not that I ever managed to make good friends at the school gate. I was friendly with one who moved away and another one who went a bit strange (lost custody of her kids in the end).
I think it's quite rare to make really good friends at school with other parents but maybe that's just me.
Do you have friends where you work? Or from pre DC?

@Lonelyyy You are a poor fit for the type of school you have chosen. If you think other mums are arrogant, they have probably sensed you don’t approve and are not going to bother much. Why do you think well off people should be humble ? Totally bizarre. Many will be highly paid professionals and some will just be rich. I don’t see humble as a standard trait in this sort of school so maybe go state. Far more likely to find parent friends to meet your standards.

@Athwarthave you read the OPs updates? A bit of compassion wouldn't go amiss.

OP it seems like you have a lot of very difficult things in your past - and in the present. Do you think these could be colouring your view of yourself and making you read more into these mums' behaviour? It sounds like a few more friends wouldnt necessarily fix everything? I hope you can get some peace.