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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend invited her friends to my birthday meal

232 replies

Donotfitin · 23/06/2026 18:30

For context I haven’t celebrated my birthday in many years (and have never celebrated my birthday with these friends). Anyway, so one of my friends messages me today and says her friends are visiting and if they can come. I said it was fine, but I’m not necessarily happy about it. So AIBU for thinking she shouldn’t have asked? (She was very aware I haven’t celebrated my birthday in 10+ years).

OP posts:
MrsPapillon · 23/06/2026 19:15

If you’d said no and she then pulled out of the meal, would that have annoyed you?

Daisymail · 23/06/2026 19:11

Why are you complaining? She asked, you were given the opportunity to say no but instead, you said it was fine!

concertinacornflake · 23/06/2026 19:10

Donotfitin · 23/06/2026 18:33

Well I didn’t want to make it awkward!! I don’t think the onus should be on me really.

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The onus is on you to enforce your own boundaries. That's how life works!

Arlanymor · 23/06/2026 19:08

BoredZelda · 23/06/2026 19:04

I don’t think anyone has said it’s not difficult, but that doesn’t make it impossible. Her friend didn’t demand, she just asked. Apparently she knows OP can’t handle people so presumably would have been ok if she’d said no.

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Quite and there are situations and situations aren't there?

This is a birthday dinner, it's not saying 'no' to a family member in dire straits who is asking for money, or 'no' to an elderly parent wanting to come and live with you, or 'no' to a child who wants to go on a school trip that you can't afford.

It's one night out for a birthday meal. If you can't say 'no' to that then you need to be looking inwards as to why that is, not blaming the friend for asking because they should 'know' that, based on previous experiences, that you are very rigid about your social arrangements. The friend was acting perfectly normally.

Original poster
Donotfitin · 23/06/2026 19:06

BoredZelda · 23/06/2026 19:05

None of this seems like a her problem. Is she expected to be a mind reader? If she knows you don’t like these things, why can’t you say no to her?

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Because it was a never ending saga (and she got offended in the end) when in reality I just don’t feel comfortable in a lot of social situations.

OP posts:
GardenCovent · 23/06/2026 19:05

YABU op, she asked a question that you could have replied yes or no to.
You replied yes so you can’t really complain.

BoredZelda · 23/06/2026 19:05

Donotfitin · 23/06/2026 19:02

Yes, but she also knows I said yes to her girls weekend away when I actually didn’t want to go (and don’t go in the end!)

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None of this seems like a her problem. Is she expected to be a mind reader? If she knows you don’t like these things, why can’t you say no to her?

Original poster
Donotfitin · 23/06/2026 19:05

Larrythecatforpm · 23/06/2026 19:04

You moan you have no friends, yet moan when friend wants to introduce you to other people. There’s no winning is there?

I actually didn’t moan about not having friends (I just said I don’t have that many, and would rather keep the ones I have) but at the same time I don’t want any more friends either!

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 23/06/2026 19:04

MyArtfulGreySloth · 23/06/2026 18:54

Amazing how no one else on Mumsnet sometimes find it difficult saying no to people. Must be great all being so perfect. 🤩

I don’t think anyone has said it’s not difficult, but that doesn’t make it impossible. Her friend didn’t demand, she just asked. Apparently she knows OP can’t handle people so presumably would have been ok if she’d said no.

Mauro711 · 23/06/2026 19:04

Donotfitin · 23/06/2026 19:02

Yes, but she also knows I said yes to her girls weekend away when I actually didn’t want to go (and don’t go in the end!)

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What do you want her to do then? Not invite you to anything, not introduce you to new people? She's not really doing anything wrong, she's including you, but you sound like you are almost offended by it because you can't say no.

Larrythecatforpm · 23/06/2026 19:04

You moan you have no friends, yet moan when friend wants to introduce you to other people. There’s no winning is there?

Original poster
Donotfitin · 23/06/2026 19:02

BoredZelda · 23/06/2026 19:01

Which is why she asked if it was ok. You said yes.

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Yes, but she also knows I said yes to her girls weekend away when I actually didn’t want to go (and don’t go in the end!)

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 23/06/2026 19:01

Donotfitin · 23/06/2026 18:44

She knows the whole context of my birthday (and that I almost cancelled because I don’t have friends) and also knows that I dont like being around people in general, so she would know id feel uncomfortable.

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Which is why she asked if it was ok. You said yes.

Original poster
Donotfitin · 23/06/2026 19:00

Mauro711 · 23/06/2026 18:57

This could be a great opportunity for you to make new friends. Maybe she is actually doing this because you wanted to cancel because you don't have friends. Just go in with an open mind.

Not at all! I knew her friends were visiting, but they’re arriving a couple of days early.

It’s already a bunch of people that have never met, husbands are coming, etc…. I can be easy going (that’s my day job after all!) but that’s not what I’d like on my birthday.

OP posts:
Mauro711 · 23/06/2026 18:57

This could be a great opportunity for you to make new friends. Maybe she is actually doing this because you wanted to cancel because you don't have friends. Just go in with an open mind.

MyArtfulGreySloth · 23/06/2026 18:54

Amazing how no one else on Mumsnet sometimes find it difficult saying no to people. Must be great all being so perfect. 🤩

JanBlues2026 · 23/06/2026 18:53

You can just say I’m feeling a bit awkward to have people I don’t know at my birthday meal but would they like to come for drinks after

Arlanymor · 23/06/2026 18:45

Your thread title is massively misleading - she didn't invite them at all. It happens that their visit clashes with your meal and she asked if they could come as well. So you answer accordingly - it's either fine with you or it isn't. You shouldn't have said it was fine if it isn't - that's passive aggressive - and this is nothing to do with whether or not you usually do or do not celebrate your birthday - this is about one specific birthday meal. If you are just going to sit there glowering through the dinner then it would be better to get in touch with her now - call, don't text - and explain that on reflection you would feel uncomfortable with people there that you don't know. It's then entirely up to her to decide what to do. Managing your feelings about your birthday is your job, not hers.

OhBettyCalmDown · 23/06/2026 18:45

Sorry OP but you shouldn’t have said yes to something if you didn’t want to. I am a chronic people pleaser myself so I get it but you can’t blame others for your inability to say what you really mean.

Original poster
Donotfitin · 23/06/2026 18:44

RedToothBrush · 23/06/2026 18:38

If you don't like it, say something. Otherwise quite complaining! She asked. She isn't a mind-reader.

If it made you unhappy that's on you not to communicate this point.

Thinking she shouldn't ask because the onus shouldn't be on you, is very precious. And has accepted nothing but give you a chip on your shoulder which is completely down to your inability to communicate.

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She knows the whole context of my birthday (and that I almost cancelled because I don’t have friends) and also knows that I dont like being around people in general, so she would know id feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Clickrodio · 23/06/2026 18:41

It depends for me, a friend visiting from a few hours away and it’s pre planned absolutely this would be ok.

A friend who you can see the day after as they live 20mins away a bit more off and odd

Prombles · 23/06/2026 18:41

Could you message her and say "You caught me unawares with your message; having thought about it more, though I'm sure your friends are lovely, as it's a special occasion I'd rather spend it only with people I know and love."

RedToothBrush · 23/06/2026 18:40

Donotfitin · 23/06/2026 18:34

I don’t have that many friends I don’t want to end up with any for being “difficult “ . Although she know I don’t like most people

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Is there any part in this post that says it's anything other than a You Problem?

Genuinely.

It's an attitude of a Little Miss Grumpy who would be unhappy about almost any situation in a rather childish and silly way.

Twasasurprise · 23/06/2026 18:39

YABU

RedToothBrush · 23/06/2026 18:38

Donotfitin · 23/06/2026 18:33

Well I didn’t want to make it awkward!! I don’t think the onus should be on me really.

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If you don't like it, say something. Otherwise quite complaining! She asked. She isn't a mind-reader.

If it made you unhappy that's on you not to communicate this point.

Thinking she shouldn't ask because the onus shouldn't be on you, is very precious. And has accepted nothing but give you a chip on your shoulder which is completely down to your inability to communicate.