Friend invited her friends to my birthday meal

I don’t understand why you don’t think the more the merrier. It’s your birthday 🎉

You said it was fine

End of story

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I do think it was a bit rude of your friend to ask if she could bring people you don't know to your birthday meal. I can totally see why you found it awkward to say no - you probably didn't want to upset her and risk her deciding not to come.

It sounds like she'd double booked herself, which isn't your problem, but she ended up making it your problem. Sure, you could have said no, but that doesn't mean it wasn't an inconsiderate thing to ask in the first place.

Nothing to do with her birthday get together - totally different event. You really need to stop this comparative analysis of different occasions.

Did she choose to come alone to the meal or did you just not invite her husband when all of the other husbands are invited? That's not the same as 'coming alone' it's deliberately excluding her husband when everyone else gets to bring a partner - one of whom you don't know, despite the fact that this is your issue with the other friends not coming.

Ha! My autism radar strikes again 🤣

Have you looked at right to choose? You'll almost certainly be seen quicker.

OP are you autistic?

I only ask because I am and you sound a lot like me. Not too many friends, dislike most people, maybe some level of social anxiety, saying things i regret when put on the spot and of course, really not coping well when the plan i have in my head is changed (even if it's my own fault).

If so, I get it!
I think if your friend is a good friend then she will understand if you go back to her and say 'actually I'm getting really nervous/ worried/ fucked off about having people I don't know there. I understand if you can't make it without them"

You assume she ‘knows’ a lot, but honestly I doubt she gave it that much thought. She had plans with you, now she has friends visiting. To her it’s likely not that deep, although to you it is. Even if you’ve told her things in the past, that doesn’t mean she will apply that to your birthday meal. She asked, you said yes

I'm more confused now, what does: 'I didn’t tell her about the husband because as much as we love him, they’re going through a rough patch' mean? You didn't tell her she could bring HER husband? So she was originally coming alone?

Think I’d have said - if you have friends down let’s leave it this week and we’ll find a date next week to celebrate.

totally fine to not want her friends at your little bash - but she’s not a mind reader and you should have just been honest that you really didn’t want to make it a bigger event with other people.

Hang on, you said right before this post that you'd be angry if she decided not to come. Which is it?
You can't have it both ways.

So let me recap.....

You say yes when you really mean no and then get annoyed when your friend doesnt figure that out?

Poor cow cant win can she?
You say you dont have many friends, you will have one less very soon if you carry on like this. What a diva!

You're spectacularly missing the point. As hard as it may be, it's still down to you, and only you, to set your own boundaries. It's not reasonable to be angry at others when you find yourself unable to do so.

Sorry it sounded like there were more people and that they were all bringing partners. So it's you, your husband, a friend and her husband (who you don't know) and then this friend? Five people?

Well she couldn’t win either way, could she? She could hardly leave visiting guests on their own to go out for a meal without taking them with her.

But husbands are going that the OP doesn't know - she said that. So why wouldn't the friend think that if 'stranger' partners are going that she couldn't also ask about her friends that the OP already knows are visiting at the same time?

I think it's normal if other strangers are going to ask if 'your' strangers can attend as well. Otherwise it's a bit egregiously hypocritical.

Why would that upset you, because she’s putting other people above you? She’s breaking a promise? She doesn’t seem to know you very well? It was her idea and now she’s reneging when you wouldn’t have had to arrange anything at all and therefore wouldn’t have had these upsetting (at least for you) complications. It might help you to work out exactly what is upsetting you.

I don’t think it’s perfectly normal to suggest bringing other friends along to a birthday dinner of someone who struggles with strangers in social situations. Why do it? It’s okay to suggest it to someone who’s the more the merrier type but OP is obviously not like that. The friend put her on the spot and she caved because she didn’t want to upset her.

OP just message her to say that you’d prefer to see just her. If other people are coming does it matter if friend doesn’t come and has to entertain her friends? You don’t have to fall out with her about it. People are allowed to have boundaries including you.