Friend invited her friends to my birthday meal

@Donotfitin I'm really sorry to say, you sound like very hard work! Your relational skills appear to be poor.

You were going out. In order for your friend not to let you down, they asked if their visitors, who inconveniently and unexpectedly arrived early, could come along. Maybe she didn't feel able to say no to them, but still didnt want to let you down, knowing you hadn't celebrated for many years.

You expected her to know you meant no, when you said yes. That's actually the most concerning part of all this. Yes should mean yes, no should mean no, and maybe should mean maybe.

In order to avoid any future disappointment I think you would be wise to work on your communication and your ability to communicate exactly what you mean.

I don’t think the onus should be on me really.

It’s your party - so of course the onus is on you.

To a point, I get it. I reckon there are two types of people in this world - sone are “the more the merrier” and the others genuinely recoil from that. I’m at the latter end myself; if I want to catch up with a friend, then likely as not I’ll think that the addition of someone else changes that dynamic. But this is a party - and she asked you. There are ways of saying “no, just no” in the first instance which would allow her to back down gracefully. You didn’t have to say yes (although I fully accept that you felt bounced into it to some extent).

Oh missed that all the husbands are coming except hers. That’s bad OP. I get it’s difficult, but you need to be absolutely clear and straightforward with people, and treat them the same. Don’t assume anything. Ever. Just ask. And state.

How many people are coming?
If she’s literally the only person you can bear to spend time with, she may find the whole thing a bit intense?

Perhaps she thought inviting other people would be more fun for you and give you an opportunity to make more friends?

If they are staying with her I assume she couldn't come to your birthday celebration without bringing them. She asked because it was better than her saying she couldn't attend. If you are happy for her not to come and you don't want her guests to attend just say sorry its not convenient.

Surely to God you just say you’ve phoned the restaurant and unfortunately they can’t accommodate anyone else, and as her friends have unexpectedly shown up you understand if that now means she’d rather not abandon them.

I can't believe you are complaining about this friend asking your permission to bring friends when you have deliberately excluded her partner from being there when you and your other friends have partners who are going to be there by letting her think it was a girl's night out.

Is there anything honest in your relationship with this friend?

Gatecrashing someone's birthday meal is hardly "being kind" to the person whose birthday it is.

This whole "be kind, you might click" argument completely overlooks the fact that it's OP's birthday. Having strangers there changes the dynamic, and it's perfectly reasonable to want to spend your birthday with your own friends rather than people you've never met.

I suspect a lot of the "more the merrier" crowd would feel differently if they organised a birthday meal and a friend asked, "Do you mind if I bring my mates Bill and Sue along too?" It's very easy to be accommodating when it's someone else's birthday.

Which is why she asked you.

You should have been honest with her.

Of course she got offended. You said you wanted to go, even though you didn’t, pissed around for a bit then eventually decided to pull out, but that was her fault because you said yes when you meant no, and she was supposed to know that.

You said it was ok to bring friends. She hadn’t expected them to turn up earlier so she has a choice to either bring them or miss your birthday. Being a friend she thought bringing them meant she wouldn’t let anyone down, if you were ok with it. But she’s still in the wrong because you said yes when you meant no.

If you don’t start being honest with her, she will no longer want to be your friend.

You would certainly know if you mentioned it to her or not - and the fact that you mentioned the rough patch means you have thought about it. It wouldn't pass you by that everyone else knew they could bring a partner, but that she was coming alone. How awkward and uncomfortable for her to turn up and everyone else has their husband with them - and not only is she none the wiser, but it looks like a deliberate exclusion - because it probably is and one that she got no choice over, she just has to deal with the consequences on the night - at least she gave you the courtesy of giving you a choice. And you're complaining about her being unreasonable...

So there is a lack of clarity over the birthday arrangements.

It doesn't sound like she even knew others were going. Maybe that's why she felt it was ok to invite others along too as it was only you and her meeting up and she felt that it wasn't a big occasion.

Do yourself and everyone involved a favour and cancel your birthday dinner.

Maybe a different slant is you might like this extra person and you also “click” with her. Life’s to short to get annoyed about other people please just go and try to enjoy your birthday and chill out. Be kind you don’t know what the friends “friend” is going through.

If I was invited somewhere and turned up to find all couples and my DH hadn’t been invited I would feel extremely uncomfortable.

She asked. You said it was fine. If it’s not fine then you should have said so.

So she thinks everyone is coming stag except for you?

If her friends are visiting her and she cancelled on your birthday dinner to stay with the visiting friends, how would you feel?