Friend invited her friends to my birthday meal

None of the elaborate backstory changes the fact that it's rude to ask if random people can come to someone else's birthday meal because you've ended up with a scheduling problem.

I'm genuinely surprised by how many people seem to think this is socially acceptable.

I'd be fascinated to see the responses if the post were instead: "I'm hosting friends this weekend, but they're arriving a day early and I'm supposed to be going to a friend's birthday meal that night. They don't know each other. AIBU to ask if my friends can come along too?" I suspect the answers would be very different.

Yes - but what are the circumstances? Why is she in this position? Are they friends from abroad she hardly ever gets to see and this is a huge opportunity for her and them? Family and it's an obligation (that she may not even be that happy about)? Someone who has gone through a really hard time recently or is vulnerable in some way and this is a break that's important to them? Or just someone she barely knows who she's agreed to host for other friends? Friends who come every few months and she could have easily rearranged? etc.

Of course some of that may not be information you're privy to, so might base it more on what seemed most likely given past behaviour.

Very weird

I think you should have told her who is coming, I’m not autistic and I’ve a friend who does this and I abhor it, turning up and I feel unprepared.

i think her friends are coming early, she feels she can’t leave them so has politely asked if you mind, as she doesn’t wish to disappoint either side.

if you really can’t take it, just cancel and say you will find another date. Don’t say why, as it will be very uncomfortable. Just say you’re not well and cancel before the fee is due.

if it’s too late and everyone has paid, you need to just suck it up, you said yes,

Because not everyone likes socializing in big groups/strangers especially on birthdays

Well this has all taken an usual turn. It's you who is now being rude by not explaining to your friend she is invited to your birthday get together where she is playing gooseberry!
If you don't want her bringing the friends then that's fine, tell her, but also you should check she is aware that she is the only one going alone and that her husband is/is not invited (I am not sure exactly whether he is or not).

I didn't notice OP moan she has no friends?!

Jesus, that sounds thoughtless of you. Isn't it basic manners to reveal who will be at a meal like that?
You didnt even mention it when she asked about bringing her own company? May be one of the couples told her.
Poor woman might have taken some pretty weird messages from all this.

Thank you. I thought I was going mad there for a moment. This is how I interpreted it too.

But that was because nobody was bringing their husbands. It is a completely different scenario. You also can’t say she should know he’s always invited. He’s clearly not. You are being a really rubbish friend to her, you are singling her out and making sure that she is unwittingly going to a couples dinner by herself.

Or, as someone else suggested, she could simply have told her friends (who said they would be arriving early) that she already had plans that night, made sure they were settled in, pointed them towards Netflix, and gone to the birthday meal she'd already committed to.

People keep saying the onus is on OP because it's her birthday meal and she could have said no. I'd argue the onus is actually on the friend to find a solution when she's the one who's ended up double booked. Why should OP have to manage the awkwardness created by someone else's scheduling problem?

While I think it's not ideal to ask, I have very little sympathy for people who won't say no in these situations and then complain.

It sounds like she felt she was in a hard place - either pulling out of your dinner or asking if the friends could come. How I felt about that would depend a lot on why she was in that hard place (i.e. why she's got friends staying when she'd already committed to my birthday).

Understand when? On the day? When everyone else is partnered up and it's embarrassingly obvious that her spouse has been excluded? When her cheeks are burning because it's clear to everyone that he's an undesirable and how that might reflect on her? When she is the only person there on her own? As I said, stopping posting now, the fact that you would let her turn up and experience that is deeply insensitive, regardless of any diagnosis you might be waiting for, logically you can see how unfair that is to spring on her. A real friend would have a conversation with her beforehand about who is going - I mean you had the opener when she asked you about the friends. I think it's deliberately dodgy to withhold the information that everyone else is allowed to bring a partner.

But op’s friend has agreed to spend time with her other friends on the same day 🤷🏻‍♀️
Surely the “your own special day” lark stops being a thing when you’re an adult? It’s not her friend’s special day regardless, she’s allowed to spend it doing what she chooses.

How do you think she will feel when it's obvious her husband has been excluded and everyone else was 'allowed' to bring their partner? Including a partner you don't know. The more you post, the more I think you think that give and take applies to everyone else but not to you. I'm not posting anymore.

I had this on my 50th where we had a free bar in a cocktail place we had the whole bar. A friend wanted to bring another couple but said they would pay. I said no. No repercussions at all.

If they are staying with her I assume she couldn't come to your birthday celebration without bringing them.

Utterly ridiculous. They're adults, not toddlers.

If I had friends staying and had a birthday get-together to go to, I'd leave them at home, show them how the tv/shower works and leave food delivery info.

I bet they'll be glad of it after a long journey to be able to chill out.

No-one wants strangers sprung on them during their own special day. Makes for a whole different dynamic too.

It's not just "a party" though it's OP's birthday meal.

Most of the time I am a "more the merrier" type. I don't mind last minute add ons to days out, cinema trips, etc. but if I organised a birthday meal for myself with friends I would think it quite odd tbh if one of them asked if they could bring along some people I hadn't met before. So odd that I can't actually imagine any of them doing that to me or anyone else in our group.

ETA: I'm multitasking so hasn't caught up on all the posts but it sounds like OP's friend is in a tricky position because her friends are arriving earlier than expected.

Of course the onus is on you, you're an adult for heaven's sake.

A friend visiting her is arriving a day or two early; she asked if the friend could come along. You could have said no. You could have said "I'll get back to you." You could have said "I'm not really comfortable with that. You know I don't like social events where I don't know people."

You have agency. It's not her fault you choose not to use it.

Side note - inviting everyone else's husband and springing it on her that she's the only one going stag is really rotten.