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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend invited her friends to my birthday meal

232 replies

Donotfitin · 23/06/2026 18:30

For context I haven’t celebrated my birthday in many years (and have never celebrated my birthday with these friends). Anyway, so one of my friends messages me today and says her friends are visiting and if they can come. I said it was fine, but I’m not necessarily happy about it. So AIBU for thinking she shouldn’t have asked? (She was very aware I haven’t celebrated my birthday in 10+ years).

OP posts:
moderate · 24/06/2026 13:56

Donotfitin · 24/06/2026 13:47

What lie did I actually say, that it was fine? Besides I’m a very good friend to her. You’re not her, so you would t know.

Edited
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You're clearly here to rant rather than to learn, so I'll bow out now.

Blogswife · 24/06/2026 13:53

Donotfitin · 23/06/2026 18:44

She knows the whole context of my birthday (and that I almost cancelled because I don’t have friends) and also knows that I dont like being around people in general, so she would know id feel uncomfortable.

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Maybe she thought that as you don’t have friends of your own , she’d bring some of hers along to make it more of a celebration rather than a meal for two.
She gave you the option but if you’ve changed your mind, let her know. I’m sure she’d prefer that to there being an atmosphere and you not enjoying your celebrations

Original poster
Donotfitin · 24/06/2026 13:47

moderate · 24/06/2026 13:46

You've decided to take your problem - that you would rather tell lies than feel awkward - and turn it into your friend's problem.

You're rather fixated on what she should be doing to be a good friend to you. What about what you should be doing to be a good friend to her?

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What lie did I actually say, that it was fine? Besides I’m a very good friend to her. You’re not her, so you would t know.

OP posts:
moderate · 24/06/2026 13:46

Donotfitin · 24/06/2026 13:36

To me the whole point of being friends (or at least a big part of it) is to be able to know how they behave, what their likes or dislikes are, and what are their “redlines”.

this friend know ALL of this and even joke about it. It’s not like I met her yesterday, we’ve been friends for like 8 years, so I would expect she’d know what my preference is

I even told her how much I struggled to even try to organise this because of my own social hang ups. That’s my annoyance, it’s like she didn’t have any context (like the other 2 friends)

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You've decided to take your problem - that you would rather tell lies than feel awkward - and turn it into your friend's problem.

You're rather fixated on what she should be doing to be a good friend to you. What about what you should be doing to be a good friend to her?

Original poster
Donotfitin · 24/06/2026 13:36

moderate · 24/06/2026 13:33

I don’t really understand why you think others should be able to read your mind when you’re deliberately telling them lies, but YMMV.

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To me the whole point of being friends (or at least a big part of it) is to be able to know how they behave, what their likes or dislikes are, and what are their “redlines”.

this friend know ALL of this and even joke about it. It’s not like I met her yesterday, we’ve been friends for like 8 years, so I would expect she’d know what my preference is

I even told her how much I struggled to even try to organise this because of my own social hang ups. That’s my annoyance, it’s like she didn’t have any context (like the other 2 friends)

OP posts:
moderate · 24/06/2026 13:33

Donotfitin · 24/06/2026 13:26

It was a massive amount of “stress”. Made me feel super awkward and not something I think I should have to ever say openly, but it is what it is

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I don’t really understand why you think others should be able to read your mind when you’re deliberately telling them lies, but YMMV.

Original poster
Donotfitin · 24/06/2026 13:26

moderate · 24/06/2026 13:24

Well done for actually expressing yourself at last!

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It was a massive amount of “stress”. Made me feel super awkward and not something I think I should have to ever say openly, but it is what it is

OP posts:
moderate · 24/06/2026 13:24

Donotfitin · 24/06/2026 13:19

In case anyone is interested I messaged her with the “don’t worry spend time with your friends” had a lot of pushback and had to ultimately openly tell her I’m a socially awkward person and didn’t want them there (nothing personal)

Well done for actually expressing yourself at last!

Original poster
Donotfitin · 24/06/2026 13:19

In case anyone is interested I messaged her with the “don’t worry spend time with your friends” had a lot of pushback and had to ultimately openly tell her I’m a socially awkward person and didn’t want them there (nothing personal)

OP posts:
PetuniaTabbernacle · 24/06/2026 12:20

chocoluv · 24/06/2026 12:07

You don’t sound like a very good friend.

I don’t even know why you invited her in the first place.

You don’t want her DH coming, even though everyone else will be with theirs and you don’t want her bringing her friends, even though you knew they’d be visiting.

Why not just meet her separately on a different day.

Can you explain exactly why OP is a bad friend?

OP didn't arrange the meal to coincide with her friends plans. The friends are now arriving earlier. Had they arrived on the date they had originally planned, there would be no issue and this thread wouldn't exist.

I do think OP needs to address the elephant in the room and speak to her friend about her husband, but it sounds like he made a tit of himself the last time they all went out.

Iocanepowder · 24/06/2026 12:11

I would say YABU as you should have said no and enforced your own boundaries.

I personally would have been fine with them coming as I enjoy meeting people.

chocoluv · 24/06/2026 12:07

You don’t sound like a very good friend.

I don’t even know why you invited her in the first place.

You don’t want her DH coming, even though everyone else will be with theirs and you don’t want her bringing her friends, even though you knew they’d be visiting.

Why not just meet her separately on a different day.

PetuniaTabbernacle · 24/06/2026 11:42

Goatsarebest · 24/06/2026 10:43

So her friend is one more in a group who don't all know each other. Why is it fine for all the other people who don't know each other to attend but not your friend's friend.

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Because it's OP's birthday celebration.

Maybe you'd be happy to have two people you've never met before and will most likely never meet again at your birthday celebration (noting this a meal for a small group of people), but personally I wouldn't.

Goatsarebest · 24/06/2026 10:58

Your assertive enough and have clear reasons and rationale for your position on here. So time to transfer it to real life.
You are going to have to say that to her or you are going to have to deal with her friend coming in a friendly way.
Or you could ruminate on why your friend isn'ta mind reader, ignore any advice given that you asked for, have an uphappy birthday because of this, put a strain on a 3rd of all the friendships you have and wait another 10 years for a birthday meal.
The choice is yours.

Original poster
Donotfitin · 24/06/2026 10:46

Goatsarebest · 24/06/2026 10:43

So her friend is one more in a group who don't all know each other. Why is it fine for all the other people who don't know each other to attend but not your friend's friend.

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Because it’s my celebration, my birthday. And how I feel about interacting with other people. I can handle one new unknown (my friends husband) - at least I know some background story and most importantly he’ll most likely become part of my circle. Her friends, I have no idea who they are and will never see them again.

OP posts:
Goatsarebest · 24/06/2026 10:43

Donotfitin · 23/06/2026 19:00

Not at all! I knew her friends were visiting, but they’re arriving a couple of days early.

It’s already a bunch of people that have never met, husbands are coming, etc…. I can be easy going (that’s my day job after all!) but that’s not what I’d like on my birthday.

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So her friend is one more in a group who don't all know each other. Why is it fine for all the other people who don't know each other to attend but not your friend's friend.

Original poster
Donotfitin · 24/06/2026 10:33

KilkennyCats · 24/06/2026 10:21

This time you haven’t included her husband? Confused
Pretty big difference, I’d say.

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My point being because we always hang out together as couples, I can’t remember the last time I had to say “oh your husband is obviously invited”.

OP posts:
PetuniaTabbernacle · 24/06/2026 10:31

MrsPapillon · 24/06/2026 10:09

I’d never leave friends I was hosting alone in my house while I buggered off out, unless they were regular visitors. If they had come from abroad for a few days it would be quite rude to desert them. I’d also feel horribly awkward if I’d gone a long way to stay with friends and they left me alone, unless it’s the kind of set up where you were just using their home as a base and no hosting was expected.

I’d choose option B in this instance, or if the birthday friend was easy going and it was an informal meal I’d go with option A.

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You're using quite emotive language there: "buggered off out."

I see it as honouring an invitation you had already accepted.

Put it another way. My university friends are all over the country and we spend occasional weekends together. If for example, the trains were cancelled on the Friday and I had to travel on the Thursday, I wouldn't assume that the host should need to cancel whatever prearranged plans they already had in place. Nor would I expect to tag along to a birthday meal for someone I've never met.

KilkennyCats · 24/06/2026 10:21

Donotfitin · 24/06/2026 10:17

To be fair I’ve never not included her husband (if my husband is with me) so in theory why would this time be any different?

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This time you haven’t included her husband? Confused
Pretty big difference, I’d say.

Original poster
Donotfitin · 24/06/2026 10:17

This reply has been deleted

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To be fair I’ve never not included her husband (if my husband is with me) so in theory why would this time be any different?

OP posts:
Waterbaby41 · 24/06/2026 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsPapillon · 24/06/2026 10:09

PetuniaTabbernacle · 23/06/2026 23:51

OK for everyone piling on OP:

Say you were hosting a group of friends Friday and Saturday night. The friends tell you they're now planning to come on Thursday night, but you'd already accepted an invitation for a birthday meal for another friend from a different group. Would you consider your only two options being a) to ask if you can bring your friends along or b) cancel? Not c) say to your friends "That's great you're coming earlier! Just to let you know, I do have plans on Thursday night but I'll make sure everything's set up for you." The latter option means letting no one down, since none of the originally agreed plans between friends need to change.

Edited

I’d never leave friends I was hosting alone in my house while I buggered off out, unless they were regular visitors. If they had come from abroad for a few days it would be quite rude to desert them. I’d also feel horribly awkward if I’d gone a long way to stay with friends and they left me alone, unless it’s the kind of set up where you were just using their home as a base and no hosting was expected.

I’d choose option B in this instance, or if the birthday friend was easy going and it was an informal meal I’d go with option A.

Original poster
Donotfitin · 24/06/2026 10:05

sueelleker · 24/06/2026 09:48

Just make sure they're not expecting you to pay for everyone!

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Oh no, one is from my same culture and I’ve been out to the birthdays of the other two, and everybody has always paid for their own bill

OP posts:
sueelleker · 24/06/2026 09:48

Donotfitin · 23/06/2026 18:30

For context I haven’t celebrated my birthday in many years (and have never celebrated my birthday with these friends). Anyway, so one of my friends messages me today and says her friends are visiting and if they can come. I said it was fine, but I’m not necessarily happy about it. So AIBU for thinking she shouldn’t have asked? (She was very aware I haven’t celebrated my birthday in 10+ years).

Just make sure they're not expecting you to pay for everyone!

Original poster
Donotfitin · 24/06/2026 09:08

SinceYoureGayAndAddictedToHeroin · 24/06/2026 08:55

Why is everyone talking about being put on the spot? The friend texted OP. That's the opposite of being put on the spot. You have time to think, discuss, compose a reply and send. There's no excuse for not saying what you mean.

I think that’s down to the individual. If she had called me I wouldn’t have been able to hide how I feel so I wouldn’t have been honest.

OP posts: