Sad that Dh can’t make Dd’s show

I do think the schools put too many things on at silly times

It's sad that your DH can't get time off but that's just life unfortunately, all companies are different, my partner works at a company that isn't flexible with these things so he wouldn't be able to pop out for half hour and see something he would have to book the entire 12 hour shift whereas my company are very flexible and would let me go see the show then come back to work

I agree.

I understand that teachers can’t be expected to endlessly give up their own free time for this but sometimes these things are stunningly poorly thought through.

My DD is in secondary school now but her primary school used to constantly put pretty important meetings in for parents (things like curriculum updates) slap bang in the middle of the working day, often with three or four days notice.

I can’t help feeling that many schools do default to the assumption that all families have a person (a woman, invariably) who can deal with these things at the drop of a hat.

10am is a very painful time!!

Its my DDs birthday today.
She saw her dad for 5mins this morning before he left for work. Hell be back tomorrow evening... hopefully before 10pm.
Is his absense due to lack of care? No. Its just life. He didnt chose for this conference to be this week. He would prefer to be at home.

Always felt frustrated with the primary school for putting in so many "opportunities" for parents to come into the school. It fine and great for the kids whose parents can attend but unfair for those whose parents couldn't. It was the same kids impacted every time. DC are very resilient now but I still feel the school let them down.

Interestingly the parents who were teachers always seemed to manage to attend.

He works. You can go. Some kids have no one to wave to - it happens at Xmas plays etc

I always look out for a friends child if she can’t make it due to work and wave to them so they know someone in the audience

Not all parents can attend every school (or non-school) event. Taking time off, can be difficult as most people only have a limited amount of annual leave. It may not be possible for some people to use the 20 minutes as part of their lunch break. They may work far enough away from home, that it's simply not feasible.

Yes, it's understandable your daughter is disappointed. However, isn't disappointment part and parcel of life, it's an emotion that children do need to learn to accept in life. It would be better to downplay it to your daughter, rather than feeding her disappointment.

My husband couldn't go to every event at school, there were times when I couldn't either. I explained to my son, that it's not always possible for both of us or even one of us to attend every single event. The less you make it a big deal, the less it will be a big deal.

She’s lucky you’ll be there, it’s a shame both parents can go but hardly unusual. We go to as many things as we can but 10am is a crap time, our school does stuff they want parents at first thing straight after drop off. You seem to be blaming him, maybe he’d like to be there and just can’t.

Sometimes it is just not possible to get time off.

For example it’s likely that none of your daughter’s teachers will be able to attend any of their own children’s end of term performances.

8 is old enough to understand that Mum is coming and Dad is very sorry that he won’t be able to but is looking forward to hearing all about it when he gets home.

Resilience is a very important life skill. No ones heart should be breaking about this.

Not everyone has the kind of job where they can justify taking time off for something like this. That's life, and you need to gently get your DD used to the fact that it isn't always going to be possible for both parents to attend every extracurricular activity. It's fine to be disappointed but saying it "breaks your heart" is a bit guilt-trippy and melodramatic.

I assume you either don't work or work PT?

Having said that, he does need to play his part. If it's always you who is having to do these things and he never does them that's a problem.

Honestly, if she has at least one parent going I think it's ok? 10am on a work day is a ridiculously inconvenient time to ask parents to attend.

We talked quite openly with our dc (from younger than 8) about having to work to afford the things we need. School events were often a juggle of whichever parent could get time off, or sometimes a grandparent would go, once it was our childminder.

It's just part of life I'd say.

Probably because most don’t agree with her

Breaking your heart? Really? If that's breaking your heart what on earth will you do when a real crisis hits?

One of our duties is to role model self regulation and reasonable responses to children to help them do the same for themselves.

And to communicate what's going to happen to children.

Fairness matters too - Make it clear that next time, he'll be the one attending and celebrating her event.

So 6 hours after starting the thread we’ve had 2 words from op. No answers to shy questions. I hate this kind of load and run Thread. They are more common than ever.

Lots of parents can’t make school shows. Stop guilt tripping your DH and use this as an opportunity to demonstrate work ethic and responsibility to your DD

Stop the guilt trip,

What guilt trip?

How have you responded to the upset @Pretendingtocareaboutthefootball? I really think you need to take the lead and frame things differently for your DD. Don’t feed into the upset.

5yo DS has been gutted this past week because DH works away and has missed 3 big events that were being held in the same week - an end of term show, nursery graduation and P1 parents lunch.
In our house, we acknowledge the upset - because it absolutely is disappointing, I get that - but then we have a reminder of the other things that will be on when daddy is home, and also a reminder that mummy and daddy have to work and that we can’t always both be at every event. We recorded a “super special home performance” of one of DSs songs from the end of term show that he could send to his dad, and took some pictures at the other events.

Stop the guilt trip, the children I’m sure like having a roof over their head because daddy works!

We spent much of our childhood without anyone present at shows, assemblies, etc. One parent was a schoolteacher in another school, and the other in the Forces. Only grandparent lived 2.5 hours away, and was still working well into his 70s. So, Yknow, we managed.
If you’re going to be there, surely that’s enough?

Has your daughter had both of you at everything for the last four years that she’s been at school? How on earth have you held down jobs?!?

My DD has one of us at most things. When we can’t go, we explain why and ask another parent to cheer for her.

She’s fine with this… and also, she has to be fine with it because we have jobs!

I would imagine many working parents would be in same position. Be happy at least one of you can be there.

Some jobs just can’t. If I have an undergraduate seminar on Tuesday 28 October 12-1, I can reschedule because it’s easy enough to find a time that works for 14 people. If I have a lecture for 400 students, I can’t. It might be that I can switch it with a colleague teaching a different part of the same module, and in an emergency, if I were too ill to teach, I could record it, but usually not.

but you will film it for him.....

Make sure school allows filming before promising this. Many don't.

(And what would the children performing rather see when they look out at the audience - their parents' faces or a lot of phones held up filming?)

DH has pretty much never been to a school event for either of ours (he's a teacher!). I try and make sure I can go as much as possible. When I do go there are some couples there but not loads, and of course there are some kids where no one can make it. It's definitely not standard for both parents to attend. Don't tell your DD that it's sad that DH can't go, tell her it's great that you can!

Breaks your heart? Really?