AIBU to mention past lack of support over MIL staying?

Oh for goodness sake stop being a mug. Why should your children miss out on your weekend plans. Tell DH he'll have to be around for his DM as you are busy and don't want to cancel. I'm sure they can sort it between the four of them, they just know they needn't bother as they can take advantage of you instead.

Concentrate on your own parents and leave him to deal with his own. If they were nice it might be a different story but it sounds like they disrespect you just as much as your husband does.

Your wants and needs are just as valid and important, you are perfectly capable of saying no!

Why should you "handle the situation better"? It suddenly becomes too much: Last straw etc. Give it to him hook, line and sinker, but not viciously. Had similar picture when I was younger and was a "pleaser". Put your future first and start now with ILs. Be firm, hopefully not angry, otherwise you will turn bitter against all of them.

How did it happened that she stayed so often with you when she have 4 children?

Is your DH volunteering your help? Is he asking you and you fell you can't refuse?
Has he offered he would cancel his plans this time?

Sounds he is very generous with someone else's (your) time.

I would just say no and suggest that the one of the other siblings, who after all are her own children and much closer to her, cancel their plans to host her and help her.

And this would be my stance going forward. Your DH and his siblings can care for their own parents, while you care for yours. So I'd refuse to host her on my own or cancel plans to accommodate her again. Clear line in the sand.

So much of what you are saying resonates with me. Even as I’m reading each post, it feels like you doubt yourself. They sound frightful and poor health does not give anyone carte Blanche to treat other people like utter shite.

There is no way i would be doing this.

He sounds like a bully and a user.

He's away and one of her other children can help, just the mug she and his family have used for 20 years and been nasty to?

You must have zero self esteem to allow this.

Horrible husband from a horrible family.

They see you as a skivvy.

Wake up OP.
She definitely wouldn't be staying with me thats for sure.

None of them have an ounce of respect for you because you have zero respect for yourself.

He couldn't care less for your family because he cares only that you are a skivvy workhorse.

If he's so concerned he should cancel his trip.

You also have 3 children.

Could you be more of a bullied doormat?

You should be reaching out to a thetapist and a domestic abuse charity.

He couldn't care a toss for you.

If he's already riled, I'd be having the "and another fucking thing..." conversation.
Might as well say your piece.

“he is away on a trip which was planned months ago”

So how can he think it’s reasonable for his DM to come, if he isn’t even going to be there? What I’m hearing is that MIL has four DC, none if whom are prepared to look after her, but never mind, dear old DIL will step into the breach so we don’t need to worry. This is not OK, OP. The big problem of MILs stems from the fact that they are the son’s mother, yet somehow it’s the DIL who ends up landed with them. You’re a better woman than I am, OP - it would have been a flat no from me.

This!

You must be a saint! I would have gone ballistic if my DH had kicked off like that when i gave him a few home truths.

I would not feel under any obligation to look after her at all. If you do, you would be well within your rights to say you expect X,Y and Z when your parents next need help, otherwise you will never lift a finger for PIL again.

This is insane. If your husband's mother needs to be discharged to the care of a relative, your husband is that person, not you.

He is obviously pushing your buttons. I always find staying calm and setting boundaries is the way to go. Tell him if he feels you are being dramatic he can have more drama and you will not be cancelling your plans and he and his siblings can sort out his mum. In the future if your parents need help just offer it. You don’t need his permission. It feels very much as if you go along with what he wants to keep the peace. Never a healthy dynamic.

Also to add, I did a lot of caring for my father and in laws in the past, who are no longer here. There were a lot of issues, I was the one who did the most for everyone. It affected my mental health at the time..

Will you please stop berating yourself for bringing up the past. You’ve mentioned it several times now - stop it.
You had every right to it, you’ve had enough of this.
You seem to be very wary of DH and it’s not healthy.

Also, how dare your husband give you the silent treatment because you are not jumping to care for his mother like you have always done before. The last time my husband gave me the silent treatment, I told him if he couldn't stand being in the same house as me he could leave. That was years ago, it hasnt happened since.

The things your MIL has said and has treated you in the past, I wouldn't be seeing her at all or reducing contact never mind looking after her.
How convenient all of her own actual children have commitments and can't help.
You have become the default carer, which happened to me in the past. I refuse to do it all for my own mother now as it caused and still does cause so much stress.
Tell your husband he has to speak to his siblings and arrange something between them now and in the future.
Also, why have none of the others had them at Christmas or Easter others past? They know you will do it all. You need to set boundaries.

There's no way I'd be putting myself oot to care for someone who has shown open disdain towards me. He cancels his trip or she goes to a sibling. End of.

YANBU. I would be elsewhere

You seem very keen to tie yourself up into a pretzel just to make sure there is no tension! He could have handled the situation and relationship better, and his 'silent treatment' of you because you didn't just roll over (again) is the problem, not you or your handling of the situation.

OMG your MIL is an evil snobby bitch! I don't know how you can even bear to be in the same room as her after the hideous things she has said about you and your family. The absolute last thing I would do would be to agree to take care of her while her own sons are 'too busy' to help their own mum.

You have a professional career and I'm sure you can hold your own with difficult people at work so I'm really baffled that you put up with being treated like shit by your MIL and your DH.

I'd take great pleasure in telling them all to fuck off.

I don’t think you were wrong to bring it up. Your past history of helping out has not been appreciated/acknowledged by him.

The correct answer when you brought up the past could have been “you are completely right. I will find a way of making it up to you”. Then you would know that he understands what a deal he is asking for. That is what happens in relationships.

In this case you just say that you can’t. His choices are to cancel the trip, pay for an emergency care package or tell hospital that care has not been arranged and that they have to delay discharge ( we have done that in the last few days with my mum - but she was in a rehab ward and needed 4 carer visits a day).

I hope that he has some other redeeming qualities.

Why are you beating yourself up for bringing up the past when it's entirely relevant to the current situation? You've been taken for granted for years and allowed yourself to be the default support for his family. That's over - you're reclaiming your autonomy and handing back responsibility to your MiL's children.

Don't apologise and don't regret what you've done. It's long overdue and of course it causes tension because your husband relies on you to make his life easy and STFU about it.

Hang in there, do what you had planned with your children and refuse to be the default carer any more. It will cause more tension and rows of course but the price of a quiet life is too high. Your husband will just have to get used to the new reality.

I brought a load of past stuff up at home recently and yes, just like this, it went down like a lead balloon. And afterwards I kicked myself and then realised I needed to get it out.
This woman sounds awful and patronising. Come on OP you are a strong woman with your own career you don’t have to put up with this.
He’s walking all over you and now you are allowing it. And I know because I was.
Just day no, this one is for you and your siblings I’m out with the DC after a long week.
Let him rant and rave but really then it’s down to him. He has probably already told people you’ll be caring and doesn’t want to have to explain himself.
Well, let him sort it out. It’s his mother.