AIBU to mention past lack of support over MIL staying?

I really agree with this. Nothing you've described is anything you should be apologising for. Please try and stop this. Your D doesn't like hearing the truth about (elements of) your relationship being not mutually supportive

Absolutely this

You should be able to bring up anything you like in a marriage and for your h to listen to you.

Your h’s reaction is really poor. the silent treatment is abusive too.

Don’t look after your MIL. She is your h’s responsibility and he should cancel his plans and look after her. Stand firm on this.

He already takes advantage of you. Don’t let it get worse.

Can’t you just say no?

The answer is easy because the answer is No. MIL has four children, why can't one of them do the care?

They may have plans, well so do you.

Add to that the fact that MIL has been a cow to you over the years, why would you want to do anything for her?

Additionally, there is no indication what her care needs are, even if you wanted to it might be very difficult to care for her.

Saying it out loud is the challenge but you would be right to do so. You're not their bloody skivvy.

A nice person would appreciate where you are coming from, agree that it’s not been fair and promise to support you more in the future! No way could I be put out helping his family when he doesn’t appreciate it or support you with your parents! He sounds very selfish, sexist and entitled

There was nothing wrong with you bringing up the facts! Its not “historical stuff” its the predicate for today’s decision.

I think it is fine to look after the in-laws with your consent but what happens if one of your children became unwell and you need to prioritise them?It's not ideal he is away even if it was planned long ago.It seems it's ok for you to change plans but her own children are not expected to.Its an old argument that it falls to the woman...

I don't think its unreasonable to bring up the historic stuff. This is a "No because" situation....even a "No because I have had enough" situation. I guarantee that if he didn't see that you are right, he wouldn't be so angry.

@ItWasCalledYellow you did nothing wrong in your answer.
You called your dh out on his behaviour. Ever so nightly so too.

And yes what has happened 10 years ago, what is happening with your parents is all relevant, whether your dh likes it or not.
That’s what is making you so resentful (with good reasons)
That also explains why you want to put boundaries down - you’ve done a lot already. That’s enough

I know that the atmosphere isn’t great in your house rigut now.
But please, STICK to it.
Let your dh know HE is the one who will have to step for his parents frim now on. He is dealing with his parents, you’re dealing with yours.

And if he has an isdue with it, if he goes into rage etc… that is simply telling you who he is. 😢 Not that you’ve done something wrong.

It's bizarre that you are chastising yourself for bringing up how much you have done for his parents in the past. That's relevant information in the discussion about whose turn it is to help. His angry reaction is simply to frighten you into complying with his demands in future.

Why are himself and his 3 siblings not called 'selfish' when they won't help but you are? He sees you as a skivvy for his family and you'll look back and be sorry you wasted your time trying to please a man who doesn't give two hoots about you.

Please tell me you are actually
going to do something about this? As in tell him he stays and helps or you aren’t helping?

So many people come on here asking for “advice” and then do nothing.

OP, this martyrdom and making yourself small has got to stop. If you were my friend or sibling I'd be telling YOU a few home truths. Where is your self respect? Your loyalty to your own people? You have allowed this classist bitch and her family - including your husband - to walk all over you and demean your family of origin and your background. This is not a virtue or a consequence of you being too nice, it's a sign of weakness, lack of boundaries and self respect. Fuck them all and the horses they rode in on. Sometimes rows absolutely need to be had - your husband's reaction to your perfectly reasonable comments is not something you should regret have provoked but something you need to see as a red flashing sign of something very amiss in the dynamics which evolved here. Do not ignore this sign but see it as something to act upon now.

OP - you very clearly do have a right because of his attitude right now. Stop being bullied by your husband.

Tell him that blowing up at you and now giving you the silent treatment was absolutely the wrong call - and you will absolutely NOT be looking after his mother now if that's how he's going to behave.

You have the upper hand here OP - you've just been conditioned not to realise it!

I’ve said it upthread but I’m saying it again. If she isn’t well enough to be discharged straight home then she isn’t well enough to be discharged without a care package in place. Has your husband even tried to establish what she needs? Can she weight bear? Use the bathroom without help? Because you will become that care package if you don’t put your foot down. You
may not be going to work on Monday for some time if you take responsibility for her this weekend.

(I’ve seen a woman in her 90s recovering from a broken hip deposited by ambulance at her home, which only had an upstairs bathroom,, to be cared for ‘by her children’ - of whom she had precisely one, herself over seventy, and living in a different country )

What are the reasons the other family members and siblings can’t help? Why can’t DH cancel his trip?

It sounds like you’re bending over backwards to people who ultimately act like you’re inferior. Stop and let them sort it out themselves.

I can't imagine scenario where it's reasonable for a daughter in law who is looking after her three children on her own during a heatwave to take on care for a mother in law when the mother in law's four children aren't expected to.

I think you are right to have brought up the historic stuff because that is what has created this situation.

If it genuinely were an occasional occurrence and he was more involved and cared about your parents the same way you wouldn’t feel like this so I think it is absolutely correct to say ‘no and this why’.

He’s being a dick because he knows you are right. Time for MILs actual children to step up and take turns.

Why do you have to cancel your plans? It's -his- mother and he should do the moral thing and cancel his trip to look after her! This is a -him- problem.

I do wonder if there is a particular religious or cultural aspect to these expectations OP, which make it harder for you to push back against unreasonable requests?

I really hope the penny drops that the OP is being used and abused.

You often have that with awful people who like to think a son has somehow "married down" and as such she can be used and abused and his family skivvy.

Clealy they are all in on it and your husband doesn't give a shit about you or your family.

You are merely a free skivvy.

Look seriously at whether you want to continue to be married.

What a shocking example to your children of a toxic dynamic where their mother is no more than a skivvy for their fathers awful family.

And add you’re hosting your family for Christmas, that would be non negotiable! He’s not even there op- if he gets abusive hang up and mute him, you can message you don’t get to talk to me like that you’re not even here, you’re not being a parent nor a husband nor a son and you want me to substitute for all of them for you. I’m muting you, I don’t have to put up with this.

actually I agree, say no. Message that was an enlightening conversation, I’m actually taking the dc to visit my parents this weekend, will be nice to see them while you’re away and they’ve been struggling. If your siblings can’t do it one of you will have to explain to the hospital. Sorry but didn’t work for us either this time, luckily you know I’ve often helped in the past even when not convenient so you wouldn’t dream of having a go at me until you’ve done substantial support for my parents, which you haven’t.

Why is he away? I’d consider helping this one time and messaging him and saying I will help
this last time but next time I will not, it’s your job. Also I have decided we are hosting my family at Christmas and we are going away for next Easter just our family, I’ve let my family know.

and stuck to it. The only thing that men like this do when you’re a doormat is stomp all over you,

He is training you not to say no to him, as here you are questioning yourself for what in most relationships would be a perfectly reasonable challenge.

if your MIL needs care, she has four children who should cancel their plans. Why should you do so?

She doesn't even deserve or appreciate your care.

And your husband doesn't respect you or your family. I wonder if he even likes you or appreciates what you have done. His demands have long been unreasonable.

Seriously. You either have a lifetime of servitude with these people who will never like, appreciate or respect you. Or you begin to say no, her children need to step up and maybe you have some trouble and pushback but your life will be better, much better. Personally I would be looking for a divorce...