AIBU to think prolonged young adult lifestyles now extend into people’s forties and to wonder what the outcome of that will be?

OP I get what you’re saying - how will society change as a result of what was once a niche way of life becoming incredibly mainstream?

I think it’s really interesting too, not necessarily bad by any means, just different to the rest of history, and it’s SO easy to forget that it’s largely down to contraception making women able to choose their lives and that then changing the way society is set up over several generations. I’m full of relief I don’t have to raise seven kids in one room in a city slum like millions of women had to 100 years ago - people should read Round About a Pound a Week or the even more eye-opening Our Spoons Came From Woolworths to see how constrained women were by their own fertility!

Before women could control how many children they had while having sex, society had to have a lot of rules broadly intended to ‘save’ children from growing up destitute. Marriage being key, no sex before marriage, men under pressure to support (with devastating consequences if they didn’t), and women almost literally chained to a hot stove with the effort of feeding their herd of children…

Three or four generations of choice in this matter has changed many people’s idea of this being the ideal way to live your life, most of us have much smaller families and many have none!

I am not sure the people that described urinating on someone etc is really an example of the average 30 to 40 ish age group.

Yes, certainly they are sometimes picking different lifestyles than what was the norm but each to their own. I am now in my 40s and happily single. I did not want to get married or have kids in my 20s and nor was it expected of me. Twenty years ago I think the expectation would be different.

I agree that most people want stable relationships and children. I feel like there will always be people protesting that marriage and children aren't for everybody and are part of an old fashioned template of how to live our lives but the statistics are pretty clear. Up to 80% of women without children are child free as a result of circumstances rather than choice. Marriage is also still a popular aspiration for young people.

I think we are in danger of assigning too much of this shift away from marriage and children to choice and changing aspirations. Yes, people do have different attitudes to many things today but the fundamentals have never changed. You can't override biology that easily.

I also think for some people their brain chemistry needs to shift before they live life like OP wants.

I have not achieved most of the milestones OP thinks I should have and still enjoy a night out dancing (far less than I would like). But other things such as getting better financially only changed once my brain changed. I felt a maturity just happen one day like my pre-frontal cortex closed at 29! Maybe I was trying to reclaim my youth when I was adultified.

But other milestones were missed for circumstances completely outside of my control and I am fine with that. My career is fine, high earner but I am not the world’s most ambitious person either.

As long as they don’t harm others how anybody chooses to live is completely fine

YABVVVU. It's nothing to do with you how people live their life.

This is a consequence of a number of things.

1. more personal freedoms and less pressure to conform to a typical lifestyle.

2. economics - people struggle to afford the typical lifestyle of wedding, house & kids

3. social media has exposed people to other ways of living, whether this is good or bad is a personal stance

But, there’s no doubt about it that a lot of people still want to find a life partner and have kids. I see some of my friends absolutely crushed by not having kids.

Everything changes but the song remains the same. People want love, most people want to raise kids (biologically hardwired), people want security, peace and joy at some level.

Sadly, this is becoming harder for the reasons mentioned above.

Somebody only read half the post

My kids are now mid - late 30’s, as are most of their friends. A mixture of single, partners, married. All seem very mature to me, good jobs, own homes, they all know how to have a good time but aren’t out clubbing and boozing all the time, they’ve outgrown all that ! In fact in my London daughter’s friendship circle there’s quite a move away from alcohol altogether.

and a career that is all over the place, doing unpaid, or precarious work still trying to break into various fields
this is pretty much me. A career all over the shop and starting over again, I don’t think it’s some moral failing. I had the “aging/disease” realisation fairly early, had cancer as I approach 30 and it made me think, I should pursue fun things, be that in career or life. So that is what I’m doing! I don’t think working a traditional career or living arrangement is what makes you mature, you can see awful behavior from all sorts of people working serious jobs, people who are dicks tend to be dicks regardless of living arrangement, children, marriage or jobs.

I did the classic 90’s thing of uni and job. (I know it’s very different now!) myself and my exh rented a cheap shitty flat (yes I know not easy now!) but we spent 1-2 years living on absolutely minimal inorder to save for a house and then a wedding. Worked on our careers, worked every bit of overtime including Christmas and BH, and had kids in our 30’s when we could afford to.

it annoys the hell out of me the amount of people that bang on about not being able to buy a house when they still live the lifestyle they do (eating out/holidays/takeout coffee on way to work etc)
we used to go shopping and only buy from the “essential” range (ie Tesco blue stripe) we cut back and saved hard!
we have a few relatives and friends in their 30’s constantly telling us how lucky we are!
people have seemed to have lost the ability to really understand how to save and not see having a fancy rental house/flat as a luxury!

they seem to suddenly want to buy a house/get married/have kids but with no saving plan behind them to prepare for it?

my DD has a mortgage fund and she’s only 10! She knows how to cook from scratch (and loves it) and knows how to earn/save money. (she sells shell art from our driveway)

before anyone blasts me…. I’m not from money, I grew up in a council estate but my parents taught me the lessons I needed to know.

If she had grabbed one of the blokes on offer in her 20s who she had declined (for valid reasons) she would still be stuck with a loser, only for longer.

I think it’s good that people who want to focus on their own passions and work aren’t having kids. Too many people in the past married and had kids because it was expected rather than actively wanting to do so which isn’t a good thing.

Personally I think it’s fine to live like you describe as long as your decision isn’t impacting others natively eg you are in your 40s and live chaotically in your parents’ home.

I think it’s a good thing if the definition of being an adult isn’t as rigid in the past. For example someone childless doing charity work in a war zone is as adult as the adult living in a mortgaged house in the suburbs with a spouse.

What’s wrong with that?

Why is there a time limit on partying or pubs? Why can people not avoid excessively high housing costs by flat sharing? What if you simply don’t meet the right person in your 20s / 30s or ever and don’t want to marry somebody you dislike?

I think a sign of extended young adulthood is not understanding life is not always going to be nice and linear and entirely within your control.

And look at the not that long ago creative sects
The French Riveria bunch
The Bloomsbury Group
The soho colony room gang
Even da Vinci was a terror!

When have they ever conformed?

She still has time to sort herself out.

Her life isn’t exactly over, is it?

Lots of people in their thirties still living in the parental home where I live. Afaik they are independent and fine, but not willing to spend a lot of money on rent. The drawback is that the parents can’t downsize. If stamp duty is removed it might shake things up a bit. But I see loft extensions and garden rooms being added all over the place. So I think multi generational living is slowly creeping up on us as a new norm. It probably keeps the younger ones younger, and the older ones younger too.

Well rich/successful creative types behave like this a lot if you look at the actors who have kids, split up, date younger people, or settle down late but because they are loaded and can buy that lifestyle no one really bats an eyelid.

The world needs non-conformists as long as they don’t expect everyone around them to rescue their choices perhaps they have the right idea, as you say old age, illness creeps up on everyone, you could argue not worrying about stability when you are too old to enjoy it is a more fulfilled path?

So people aren’t necessarily living in the traditional way anymore. Or the way you think they should be living.

Oh well.

Watching the daughter of a friend reaping this. Was 'young' and free until late 30s when she suddenly realised her biological clock was ticking. Grabbed one of the only free blokes she could find, moved in, 2 babies, all within 3 years.

He's a complete loser. She has no career because she was enjoying her freedom. And now she's poor, with 2 kids and a loser bloke. Parents are having to support her.

All because she (and her parents allowed) the myth that being young is about having a good time. Not preparing for real life.

You forgot married 😡

People in their 40s should be going out and spending money and boosting the economy. Nightlife, restaurants, pubs, they all need regular clients not just two nights a week. Young folk now don't like that side of things as they didn't grow up with any proper youth culture other than online. Plus they can't afford to go out. Older people 40 plus often can.

Would you rather people just sat at home watching BBC and getting their licences fees worth while knitting?!

really immature stuff like urinating on a drunk passed out boyfriend in a club because he hadn’t helped her when she’d been sick

That's not immature, that's deranged. I don't know anyone like that in my 40s and I didn't in my 20s either.