AIBU to worry my adult son's table manners affect others' views?

My adult DS eats really quickly, shoving massive forkfuls in his mouth. He's a highly qualified professional and we certainly didn't allow him to eat like that when he was younger. I will say the battle began when he went to an all boys grammar school and we had serious talks about it at the time. They don't seem to have made a difference though. I despair and often wonder what his colleagues think.

It might have harmed his chances.

A family member of mine has such bad table manners that I avoid eating meals with him. It’s disgusting and shows a total lack of consideration for those around him

@purplecorkheart I'm curious to know how the scones were eaten?

Anyway - when DH started work with a big multinational company in his early 20s - 30 years ago now - all the new starters were given lessons in how to eat at a corporate do/lunch/drinking with clients/how to order wine and what to wear etc etc.

It's stood him in good stead.

Agree with you OP.

Bad table manners are always noticed and usually (and rightly really) judged. You’re right when you highlight the greediness of it as unappealing, but also bad table manners are something that everyone else is forced to see and cope with. And, honestly, watching someone eat badly often ruins your own desire to eat. Mouths open, loud chewing noises, picking things up from a shared plate and then putting them back(!!!), reaching over the table and over people, pulling bits of half chewed food out of your mouth, putting bones and such on the table rather than on your plate, and many other things: it’s all horrid.

And absolutely people judge others for them.

I was taught that manners aren’t about being an indicator of coming from a certain class or being well educated or any of that (which all are of course true even if not admitted), but it’s about being kind. Manners aren’t a set of arbitrary rules made up just to set us apart, they are there as a guide to being aware of other people. Eating well is about not putting others off their food (or taking too much or whatever), holding doors for others, asking how people are, all acts of kindness that take no effort but can have a great impact on those around you.

It’s like not stopping randomly in the street or at the bottom of the stairs in a tube station, it’s about awareness of others. Of respecting the needs and feelings of strangers (and friends) and of being an aware and caring member of society. Vital in an ever increasingly selfish world.

I’ve had my entire mood changed sometimes during the day by good manners and bad. A smile or a kind gesture can make you feel better about your day.

But why do you think your son is like this? What happened? The over eating might suggest he’s not happy. And of course depression leads to a lack of self care and the slipping of manners too might indicate as much.

He might not do it at work

His gf mightn’t have said it because it might not be something she sees- people who see this kind of thing are people who judge people on anything and everything imo!!

My mums always making jokes to ds to slow down because she says her curse is that people didn’t slow her down and she was always finished way before everyone else and she hated it. I’d say mention it to him but it doesn’t have to be the huge thing you seem to think it is and may not be responsible for his weight gain, people gain weight for a huge variety of reasons

Oh also I used to scran my food way too fast and one thing that helped me is doing a set amount of chews per bite. This also helped me lose weight because once I started eating slower I actually felt full and was comfortably full. Might not work for him but worth a go.

A friend of mine is an etiquette coach and does a lot of business coaching for big firms. One of the course she does is business/formal dining. Would you consider suggesting investing in something like this.

I had a meeting with a client recently. The client had a new member of staff at the meeting, we had coffee and scones and the way this new member of staff ate was shocking. Yes, both I and the client judged. The client has since told me that they will not be asking them to attend meetings.

I’ve ended dates over people’s horrible table manners, it really is a massive ick for me and a few other people I know. I absolutely would not promote someone with bad table manners if I’m honest.

My dad has awful table manners and it is embarrassing, obviously he’s my dad and I love him but it does make him look bad. With him I know it’s because no one taught him as a child and he had a lot of food insecurity. I know it’s not necessarily right but I do kind of assume someone with bad table manners had/has encountered some kind of food insecurity or a similar situation - I’m sure this isn’t the case for your son but that’s just what I tend to assume.

I think you should say something to him. Maybe do it as a bit of a joke like “I hope you don’t eat like that on dates! No wonder you’re single son!” Or something like that? Idk you know him best so I’m sure you can decided the best course of action. :)

I think don’t agonise over what you are going to say, try to use humour and raise it during a meal rather than out of the blue.

Say something. Better coming from you than someone else.

I'd say (not when you are eating) something like:

DS - I have noticed recently that you are rushing your food a bit. No one cares if you race through your food at home in front of the TV, but I thought you might not be aware that in public, it might be the sort of thing that other people judge. And daft as it sounds, it might be the kind of thing that senior partners notice if they are looking to promote people in client facing roles or important business meetings. Social etiquette starts to matter a lot as you get higher up.

I'd use words like race and rush not scoff or chow - words that suggest hurry not greed.

From an employment point of view, I'd reject someone who ate like that for any position where he was likely to be eating with customers. Basic good manners are important

For a job with no customer contact, not a problem.

Definitely raise it with him. My DS is 4 and I am working so so hard on good table manners, eating with mouth closed, using a knife and fork properly.

My DH, though I love him, does not have great table manners and neither does my FIL. I often remind DH to eat more quietly. I think some people don't mind/hear the sound of chewing so it's not a big deal to them? I absolutely hate it. I once worked in a culture where making a lot of noise as you were eating was the norm, and seen as a way of showing appreciation for your food. I found it unbearable.

I would 100% raise this with my adult DS and find out what's gone on to turn him from the way you raised him into someone unpleasant to eat around. No need to bring his weight into it.

I mean it is criticism and neither of you should shy away from it.

Especially If he is eating with his hands and makimg noises.

Watching with interest as my DS has developed some really bad table/eating manners. We've all been through some really traumatic years but his food/eating has been badly affected. Even if I suggest gently to slow down, not make loud noises, not eat with his hands etc he takes it as an extreme criticism!

The speed you eat is genetic and difficult to change. But table manners can be changed!

I must admit, there’s a couple we go out to dinner with from time to time and one of them eats unpleasantly. We talk about him afterwards - it’s difficult to look up when we’re eating!

He definitely will be judged if he is eating with people who are deciding on promotions etc. Kindly telling him how it comes across is a situation of being cruel to be kind. It's not an easy thing to do, but as a parent I think you have to give it a go.

I’d mention it. Every time. Bad table manners are utterly repugnant and would and should affect how he is perceived.

Both his bad manners and his weight will count against him in a professional setting.

He may not even realise he's doing it. I am always reminding my kids not to bolt their food as it became a habit from school as they have so little time and want to get in and out quickly. For a while at family meals we used a bite timer app called Slow Eats which they hated, but finally helped them see visually that they were eating far too fast, taking bites that were too big, and not chewing enough before swallowing. Old habits die hard though...!

Yes, rightly or wrongly I do judge people with poor table manners. I judge poor manners in general, actually. It’s something that would definitely put me off a romantic partner, and it’s not something I can help.