AIBU to worry my adult son's table manners affect others' views?

We were invited to the home of lovely wealthy friends, children privately educated etc. We all decided to have a take away. When the food came it was dished out, grace was said and as soon as it finished the children dived in. It was like being at a chimpanzees tea party. My two sat for a minute in disbelief before they ate anything, id never seen anything like it and the parents said nothing.

I can remember, at college, being given pep talks about the impression we were making on teaching practice and when interviews were beginning for our first posts.
It was not unknown (in those days) for a student who was promising to be steered towards applying to return as a new teacher in September. And one of the factors to be considered was the example they were setting at mealtimes; back in the day, the expectation was that we would sit with the children to eat.
We were also reminded that job applications could involve a full day at the school, being observed teaching as well as interview sessions, and to keep up the good impression in between; civilised small talk and good table manners at lunchtime.
It's one of those situations where you are being politely observed although nobody will actually say anything out loud.
As PP's have observed, if you, as his Mum, can't gently broach the subject, who will?

Is he like this when he is out or just at home

I couldn’t eat with someone like that. It would knock me sick.

I think it’s a visceral reaction most people have to bad table manners, I’m unsure why, but seeing someone eat badly often gives a feeling of extreme disgust in the watcher,

I recall having dinner years ago, with an older Chinese colleague, he was in his sixties, and it was about 2o odd years ago, he’d come over for a work visit.

he burped loudly throughout fhe meal, had his head down to eat, smacked his lips loudly etc , no one had told me that in some older generations in China this was seen as good manners, a sign of a satisfying meal. I was absolutely horrified, we were in a really upscale restaurant, and he did it every single meal throughout the week, I could barely look at him.

then someone told me, and so it made sense. But the loud burping and rifting right next to me, really bothered me as we ate.

Your DS may not have lost a job because of his table manners, but he may have lost his table manners because of his perceived failure in work.
Food should be a pleasure, savoured, but if you’re unhappy it might just seem wholly functional. I suspect your DS is unhappy and the decline in table manners is symptomatic of this. Have you tried talking to him, boosting his confidence after it was hit by the job loss?

My daughter told me a very similar story, but they were in secondary school. She only told me about it recently and the young guy in question was highly desirable - until people saw him eat. It’s hard being a parent…if you’re not going to tell them, who will? Even at 28.

He’s not left handed. My dad and sister and ex and best friend are all left handed and know how to use cutlery the proper way in this country! You mightn’t agree but it’s just what’s done and people notice when it’s incorrect.

I knew a lovely handsome guy in uni and everyone fancied him until they saw him eat. He chewed loudly with his mouth wide open and wondered why he never had a girlfriend!🤢

She’s not treating him like he’s 12. If he was 12 she’d take his phone off him until he started eating more nicely. She’s treating him like he’s 28 by saying DS your eating is vile and unprofessional, sort it out.

"Wrong hands" might just mean he's left handed and didn't get forced to swap at primary school as I did. The rest of it sounds horrible, though.

Yes you must tell him. If he gets to the stage of a relationship and a child, he’ll not know table manners to instil in your grandchild. I’m surprised you’ve let it get to this stage OP.

Me too! How badly can you eat a scone? The whole thing in one go?

So how did your other child not inherit his father’s poor table manners?

Shocked you didn’t ensure he was eating correctly when he was younger.
You need to help him understand and what is driving him to overeat, so he can start to improve his lifestyle.

Telling your adult child something that will benefit them is not parenting them like a child. Adult parent and adult child can have adult conversations about behaviour. She isn’t going to scold him, or ground him, but have a gentle conversation with him.

She's always his parent, yes, but that doesn't mean she should still be parenting him as if he's a child. He's a fully grown man with a job and a parent. Being his mother doesn't mean it's OK to treat him like he's 12 and it doesn't mean she automatically knows his job better than him.

It's fucking weird to fretting like this about a bloke who isn't far off 30. It isn't 'her job as a parent' to tell him he might lose his job if eats too quickly. That's his boss's job. Or at best, his partner's. Not his bloody mother's.

No wonder there are so many women on Mumsnet complaining that their husbands are useless mummy's boys and their overbearing MILs are ruining their marriages if people think it's their 'job as a parent' to be telling their 28-year-old, working, coupled-up child how he should eat his dinner.

She’s always his parent.

I’d mention it. Yes, you don’t stop being a parent just as your child is an adult. And if it has potential to damage him, then yes mention it.

i, like most people, abhor bad table manners and like most people I also judge it. I’d not use emotive words though and I’d not call him specially, I’d wait till next time I was with him and he was eating, and I’d say hey slow down, laughing and say but seriously people can be really funny about how folks eat, especially at work. Doesn’t matter what you do here, but I’d be cautious when at work if you rush your food.

only you know if he will take offense, and you will know how to phrase it.