AIBU to feel resentful after my husband's promotion pay fell through?

Me too, but op- don’t be a victim. Nobody made you step back at work and it can’t have been for too long a period, it must be recoverable. You need to focus more on fixing that and less on him.
You have been a bit betrayed by him, but I think you are much much better off having to kick in at work again, given his behaviours I think it would be a very bad idea for you to give up work and be dependent on him. You certainly can’t fund the house without him if your marriage doesn’t make it. Remind yourself you’re working for your child and focus.

Do you really belive there promised salary was ever anything but a way to manipulate you and not allow you to have your own career success?

This too! I don't necessarily think OP's husband was lying but it sounds exactly like top tier corporate bullshit. They promise their employees everything just to get them working more and there is a 0% chance any of that will actually materialise.

There's no company on the planet that gives an employee a "life changing" salary increase. That person is already in the company and doing good work so why on earth would they voluntarily throw more money at him even if it involves taking a new role?

OP you sound quite naive to have adapted your entire outlook based on this. It may be the fault of your DH but there needs to be some common sense as well. Especially in the current economic situation with layoffs everywhere, there's no chance a company would be handing out salary increases like whatever amount he claimed.

DH has had multiple companies promised mythical promotions and pay rises that never materialise.

He now doesn't believe it unless he has something in writing.

This has included highly reputable and well respected companies.

It's bullshit that is endemic in toxic workplaces unfortunately.

That's what you should be focused on. He's working somewhere toxic that doesn't respect or value the work of staff.

He should be looking for another job if possible with a better home/work life balance and hopefully better pay that treats it's staff better.

Genuinely I've lost count of how many times DH has been promised mythical bonuses, pay rises and promotions. DH has changed jobs frequently as a result of this nonsense. It's a red flag for the work place culture. When it starts the environment generally goes down hill rapidly.

That’s what I was thinking.

OP had a success so he felt the need to tell her he’d be getting a massive pay increase. But one that appears to have taken years to arrive and then wasn’t massive at all. 🤔

Why did it take so long for this promotion?

My DH is set to get a massive pay rise, he was told 2 weeks ago and it comes into effect end of July.

It took just under a year for the higher ups to get the details etc going, but he wasn't informed of any of this until it was actioned and ready to be given to him!

I’m confused why it took a few years from being told about him being promoted to actually being promoted and finding out the salary. Doesn’t make sense to me!

I think giving up your job is the last thing you should be thinking about as you’ll need to financially support yourself when inevitably this marriage ends.

This.

This is absolutely toxic.
Probably comes back to his viewing online.

This is not a man to ever trust or rely on.

Give your head a wobble and focus on your career.
I wouldn't trust him as far as I'd throw him.

I don't think this relationship sounds healthy. You mention rows frequently, you mention saying stuff to deliberately hurt the other during arguments, and the timing of his promotion sounds suspiciously like one
upmanship. It sounds like you both need therapy about how to communicate

At least you recognised that's it's a you problem

Firstly be kind to yourself and him. It's not him whose the problem, it's the dream you were looking forward to that has shattered. It's normal to feel massively disappointed. That's okay.

However, you know you need to move on and not take it out on him. You need to focus on the real problem which is your job. Start planning what you can do so that you're not so unhappy at work. He is getting a raise, even if not as big. Could you take parenting leave for 3 or 6 months? Then you can look at maybe changing jobs or refocus your interest in your career as you might find being at home not as exciting as you are imagining now.

Definitely apologise to your OH and try to work together about planning your future.

Why would you want to trap yourself with such an untrustworthy man? I would be getting individual therapy to work through some of the anger. I wouldn't be looking to quit my job, that seems wild in this context.

You stuck with a bad relationship with a man that wasn't very nice to you because you thought it would pay off financially and improve your life in other ways. It hasn't. So you're just stuck with a man you don't really like with no benefit.

You mention he had therapy but not whether you have. I would think that would be helpful. It's not at all surprising that you resent him and I think you need to work through that.

I personally wouldn't trust him. If it's an actual mistake about the salary then sure that's disappointing to him but aren't alarm bells goong off. In your most vulnerable moments you can't rely on him and that tells you everything

No matter what my DH earned I would be continuing with my career
The whole thing seems very odd so you should try and discuss it and get to the bottom of it

So your h was told about a promotion with a huge new salary but this promotion took years to actually happen?? Why?? Do you think he invented it because you had just been promoted?

YABU too expect your h to support you. If you don’t like your job, look for another one.

sounds like you still resent him over paying to watch women. Would that be right?

Never count your chickens until they are hatched.
And you do still both have jobs.
So I think you need to get some perspective and thankfulness for what you do have.

This is what I’m thinking too - especially since he has poor attitudes and beliefs about women

I bet he was lying all along to steal your thunder. There was no promotion. He enjoyed dangling it in front of you for years

My very first thoughts also.

one day he might take your advice 🙄

Fingers crossed 🤞
The relationship is dead @Onetiredmummy88 it was dead from the minute he let you down after the birth of your child.
Women who's partners obliterate their first few months as a mother, never get over it. They try, but they can't. And they shouldn't. There is a special place in hell for men who ruin that time.

Makes no sense

Given his comments about being the bigger earner I absolutely would not want to be financially dependent on him.
I think he resented your success and wanted to be the big man so he exaggerated his own promotion. Or he’s lying and intends to hide money from you.

Saying this to a husband/partner is not good -

if I ever said things in the heat of the moment like ‘you know where the door is’

one day he might take your advice 🙄

I'm also wondering why you are still with him after this - my husband and I married a few years ago, our relationship nearly ending after the birth of my DS due to finding he had been paying to view women online. ?

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