Family advice please

He acted annoyed because he wanted to shut you up, and stop you asking him to pull his weight again in future. Because he doesn't want to do his fair share, and he wants to train you into not expecting it. It's crap, but it's not complicated or difficult to understand.

This is really subjective, but I have gone into this, and chronic fatigue is very difficult to diagnose. It simply is diagnosed by ruling out each and every other medical condition, and then determining it is or might be chronic fatigue.

There are assumed to be mainly 2 types, mild and full blown,
Your DH definitely does not have full blown because work would be impossible.
Mild is very subjective, and could be, and note that I said could be an excuse for inert laziness.
You know your DH better then us, but from what I am gleaning from your post, I would plump for the latter. Especially from how I have interpreted your post.

A mum with a full time job. 30 plus hours a week is full time.

I don't understand the nasty comments about your DH, if he has chronic fatigue he probably needs the rest to be able to function/work, only you should know if it's genuine, and if it's, then he is not lazy, he's unwell and has probably good and bad days; on good days he could try to help out a little more.

GrantMyWishes

because she used to talk about the hell she went through getting diagnosed, and how many people thought she was ‘just lazy’. She goes off sick from time to time and I think they try and help her out where they can but says she has to work to keep her house. She’s on my lottery list of people to help if I ever won because she has it rough. I wasn’t trying to attack you x

You are doing everything for your family plus also providing for them as much as he is. Childminding is a job. I’m sorry but I couldn’t be with someone like this. It is absolute weaponised incompetence.

I can appreciate that this is your experience, but that won’t be everyone’s.

A close friend at school had ME. Some days she’d seem to be fine, and would manage the whole day whilst engaging etc. other days she’d really struggle and have to go home early or not come in at all. In fact at one point she had to effectively drop out of mainstream school and homeschool a couple of GCSEs as it was all she could manage. She’s now a very successful woman, with two children. She still has bad and run down days, but overall she functions so much better and can tolerate the bad days much easier. OPs husband could be similar.

OP, I think your division of labour sounds unfair. I do also feel that you need to cut him a certain level of slack for having a chronic illness (even if it isnt as bad as other peoples!). It’s good that he’s able to hold down a full time job if he’s having a flare up. Having said that, he presumably agreed to have children and said he was up to this task, therefore there is an element of having to push through regardless. I think it’s fair you perhaps to slightly more if he’s unwell, but you shouldn’t do everything.

All that said, your comment wasn’t helpful and was probably quite inflammatory to him. It’s a bit like when your mum used to say to you as a teen “have you stopped being in a mood then?” and it would put you straight back in one! Especially if he just woke up and was probably still tired. I think a conversation is needed but it should be open and full of listening, not made by sarky comments.

Good luck OP, I hope you can come to some kind of conclusion that works for you both

It was absolute fear disguised as anger, he is terrified that any discussion may show where he's lacking, and he may end up having to help around the house and be involved in family life. Far easier to be angry so that you'll give up talking to him and leave him alone

Somebody with chronic fatigue who is able to work full time is unlikely to have a lot of capacity for activities outside of work (and I mean any activities: parenting, housework etc not just fun ones).;

But he did choose to have children.

A more equal division of household work may not be possible unless he does his share by paying for a cleaner or similar or reduces his days at work.

I think your conversation starting point needs to be around his available hours in the day, bearing in mind he should have some leisure time as well as housework time. But he shouldn't have so much leisure time when you're so short of it.

Also worth thinking about the children as they are now not how they were when they were babies. He might well be able to supervise the children watching telly/ talk them through how to make lunch and supervise them doing that / supervise them bathing / showering - he might need to sit rather than stand.

May also be worth him seeing a GP - there might have been medical advances since his teens such that it'd be worth him having new tests to see if there's anything easily treatable.

The problem is that you have been doing it all for so long so why would he think it’s a problem? I think you should have brought this up years ago. After all, he’s not going to suddenly change is he?

And why would you prep all meals, pack the bags for activities etc when you went away? I would have maybe left instructions at best and let him get on with Meal making.

I mean he didn’t really experience total childcare did he, because you still largely assisted. But why?

'Morepositivemum', can I just ask why you're so convinced that this woman you work with actually has chronic fatigue, as unless you've suffered from it, you honestly don't have a clue how bad it really is? I actually think that a lot of people who claim to suffer from it, are just looking for an excuse to be lazy, as if you actually have it, from my personal experience, you just don't have the energy to do anything, let alone go to work, as it feels like you have lead weights attached to your limbs, and everything is an incredible effort. Also, if the OP said that she had chronic fatigue, but was also working full time, I wouldn't believe her either.

You Have enabled him far too long. Why have you allowed him to opt out of parenting? You work a full time job too!

You both work full time, OP. The difference is, he's working full time with a chronic illness. CF is like Long Covid. It can be at different levels.
One of my daughters had CF (ME). At one time, she was either on the sofa or in bed with all the curtains drawn. The fatigue was so intense, she didn't have the energy to watch TV or read. It was terrible. Photos of her show a white face with sunken eyes. Eventually she was able to go back to school part time, then full time.
I have Long Covid - similar to CF. At one time I was so ill my doctor sent me straight to A and E. I spent most of the time on the sofa or in bed. I can now do all normal things and look normal, but exercise puts me straight back on the sofa. It's like you have a bucket of energy, but when it's gone, it's gone. I feel so sad that I'm not always a fun person for my husband to live with.
If your husband has CF, he might be fine at work, but his bucket of energy might be gone by the end of the working day.
It's hard on you, but it might well not be his fault.
If you can afford it, perhaps a cleaner might take some of the pressure off you?

Sounds like he’s using CF as a excuse to be honest. I have chronic illnesses and still get on with things, he’s just lazy. Sorry.

This has clearly been a latent issue for a loooong time as you have been doing everything and letting him get away with doing nothing. You say that you have raised this with him and he insists he is doing enough by just bringing in a wage. So it follows that he reacted when he had to actually do something.

If he isn’t going to change his position, what is your next step?

It sounds like you work very hard, juggling and doing it all.

He's a complete waster.

What a selfish loser he is.

What is the point of him?

Awful example to your children of how useless some fathers are.

Do you really want to stay with him?

You are not a sahm.

You are working 7 days a week with a selfish loser for a husband that does fxxk all.

Why on earth are you choosing to live like this?

He is useless, like having a third child. If anything was to 'give' it would be getting rid of him for a start.

Also a SAHM does not work. You are a working mum not a stay at home one even though you clearly work from home there is a huge difference.

I’m surprised you’ve tolerated this set -up for the past nine years. Honestly, it sounds as if your DH has no respect for you. I’d be explaining to him, the days of him doing nothing with regards to the running of the house/caring for your children are over and if he doesn’t step up so there’s an equal split, then the marriage is over. Your life would probably be easier and without resentment.

You are not. Stay at home mum if you run a business 4 days a week. So let’s start there, by doing this you are invalidating you work and thus getting lumped as you apparently have the free time given by his working. This is not the case he is not the sole provider you need to split work 50/50. What a selfish lazy twat.

he is getting annoyed because he knows he has a good thing and doesn’t want to do more and the only way to justify is to keep feeding into the fallacy that he somehow does more than you, he doesn’t. Keep pushing this cannot go on.

You work a full time week over 4 days - how are you a SAHM?

You are both working parents and therefore the split is 50:50 with regards everything else with agreement on the 5th day he works you do things like the food shop etc.

Id be telling him it’s 50:50 split or you’ll split and he can do his 50% alone.

Essentially your husband goes to work full-time, and sees that, as his only responsibility in life. I'm sure his job is stressful and he may have a lot of responsibility but that's the case for a lot of people. It doesn't give him a 'get out' card that allows him to absolve himself of all family and parenting responsibilities! Unfortunately, your husband isn't the only man in the world who thinks this way, many do.

You run a business from home and have all the household and parenting responsibilities. Yet according to your husband's thinking, none of this is as hard work, responsible or important as his job!!

You didn't say anything wrong at all OP. Your husband is defensive because he knows deep down, what you said is true. Now he's had a dose of your daily life, and realises it's not as easy as he thought. He's not going to admit that though, because if he did, he'd have to step up and help you! Your husband doesn't want to help you, why would he? He's had it easy hasn't he since your children have been born, never having to lift a finger at home or parent his own children.

You are married to a selfish man-child, who hasn't grown-up. Household chores and parenting should be shared, because you are in a partnership.

Why are you referring to yourself as SAHM? You may work from home but you are a businesswoman working four days a week.

He sounds pathetic. Can’t even look after his own DC without help and a medal?