My ex husband turned up unannounced at my house tonight. No warning, just my 20year old DS appearing at the top of the stairs saying “Dad’s downstairs, he wants a word.” I had just got home from our youngest son’s school Leavers ceremony which had been pretty emotional for me, and I was in the middle of getting changed into my slouchy gear and thinking about dinner and relaxing with a quiet evening.
i went down to see him, a bit puzzled as had only seen him minutes before around at the school where we had talked a bit, what I got was being told that I am an embarrassment, that people are talking about me, and that I need to change my ways. Specifically:
The ring. I still wear my engagement ring on my ring finger. Not my wedding ring, just the engagement ring. I wear it because it’s valuable, I don’t want to leave it in a jewelry box where it could be stolen, it only fits that finger, and I don’t want to lose it. Ex husband has decided that this is a problem and that other people, friends, mutual friends, possibly family members, he was quite vague about his sources, are apparently commenting on it and finding it strange and something to be criticised for.
When I pointed out that I don’t know anyone who goes around looking at other people’s hands, he said “you’d be surprised.” He suggested I put it in a safety deposit box. In his shop. I declined.
Writing on Medium. I write on Medium, about my life, (nothing about him) current affairs, personal essays. Ex husband has decided this is also A Problem because I am apparently “putting my whole life out there.” He cited people who had apparently told him not to read my piece about his father’s funeral because it would upset him. He has not read it. He does not know what is in it. The piece was a tribute to a man I loved and had known for over twenty five years. I referred to him as my father-in-law because that is what he was to me for most of my adult life. Apparently this was overstepping.
The funeral. This is not the first time this has come up. His father died a couple of years ago. I loved his father and his father loved me. I am the mother of his grandchildren. I made sure my kids were all turned out well in good suits and outfits at short notice, I made sure they did their grandfather proud, and I sat approximately a third of the way down the church. Not the front row. Not beside my ex and our children. A third of the way down. Apparently I should have been at the back.
We have been over this before and he doubled down tonight.
For additional context:
- I had a frightening health episode just days ago that he was aware of. He did not ask how I was. Not once.
- I spent weeks putting together a box of duplicate family photographs for him, his travels before we met, photos of the children growing up, carefully sorted and labelled. He never acknowledged it. Not a text, not a word.
- He has a partner.
- I live in his hometown, surrounded by his people, his business, his family, his influence. He is a big personality in the town. I have built my own life here but it is not easy.
- We are three months away from our financial agreement ending completely.
So. AIBU to keep wearing the ring? And also AIBU to think that turning up unannounced to deliver all of this on the evening of your son’s Leavers Mass is not okay?
Asking for a friend. That friend is me. 😅