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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to object after my ex criticised my ring and writing?

587 replies

Lilifer · 22/06/2026 23:01

My ex husband turned up unannounced at my house tonight. No warning, just my 20year old DS appearing at the top of the stairs saying “Dad’s downstairs, he wants a word.” I had just got home from our youngest son’s school Leavers ceremony which had been pretty emotional for me, and I was in the middle of getting changed into my slouchy gear and thinking about dinner and relaxing with a quiet evening.

i went down to see him, a bit puzzled as had only seen him minutes before around at the school where we had talked a bit, what I got was being told that I am an embarrassment, that people are talking about me, and that I need to change my ways. Specifically:
The ring. I still wear my engagement ring on my ring finger. Not my wedding ring, just the engagement ring. I wear it because it’s valuable, I don’t want to leave it in a jewelry box where it could be stolen, it only fits that finger, and I don’t want to lose it. Ex husband has decided that this is a problem and that other people, friends, mutual friends, possibly family members, he was quite vague about his sources, are apparently commenting on it and finding it strange and something to be criticised for.

When I pointed out that I don’t know anyone who goes around looking at other people’s hands, he said “you’d be surprised.” He suggested I put it in a safety deposit box. In his shop. I declined.

Writing on Medium. I write on Medium, about my life, (nothing about him) current affairs, personal essays. Ex husband has decided this is also A Problem because I am apparently “putting my whole life out there.” He cited people who had apparently told him not to read my piece about his father’s funeral because it would upset him. He has not read it. He does not know what is in it. The piece was a tribute to a man I loved and had known for over twenty five years. I referred to him as my father-in-law because that is what he was to me for most of my adult life. Apparently this was overstepping.

The funeral. This is not the first time this has come up. His father died a couple of years ago. I loved his father and his father loved me. I am the mother of his grandchildren. I made sure my kids were all turned out well in good suits and outfits at short notice, I made sure they did their grandfather proud, and I sat approximately a third of the way down the church. Not the front row. Not beside my ex and our children. A third of the way down. Apparently I should have been at the back.

We have been over this before and he doubled down tonight.
For additional context:

  • I had a frightening health episode just days ago that he was aware of. He did not ask how I was. Not once.
  • I spent weeks putting together a box of duplicate family photographs for him, his travels before we met, photos of the children growing up, carefully sorted and labelled. He never acknowledged it. Not a text, not a word.
  • He has a partner.
  • I live in his hometown, surrounded by his people, his business, his family, his influence. He is a big personality in the town. I have built my own life here but it is not easy.
  • We are three months away from our financial agreement ending completely.

So. AIBU to keep wearing the ring? And also AIBU to think that turning up unannounced to deliver all of this on the evening of your son’s Leavers Mass is not okay?
Asking for a friend. That friend is me. 😅

OP posts:
Isittimeformynapyet · 23/06/2026 08:51

DrBlackbird · 23/06/2026 08:26

For the love of god, do not change your behaviour just to appease this insanely controlling man. For your sake but also to role model for your sons that this is not a pattern to replicate with their future partners.

And even if you asked AIBU, ignore the posters saying it’s weird, don’t write about your life etc. To paraphrase the words of the great Elizabeth Bennett, resolve to act in a manner that will, in your opinion, constitute your happiness, without reference to either your ex or any poster online or any other person so wholly unconnected to you. The only people that do deserve some consideration would be your kids. No one else.

Show quote history

As someone who has been in a coercive controlling relationship, from the information we've been given OP's exh does not meet the threshold for "insanely controlling", especially as plenty of responders here agree that he might have a point.

There are many grades of arsehole before actual insanity comes into play.

Comeonelieen · 23/06/2026 08:51

ChickenBananaBanana · 22/06/2026 23:06

I mean wearing the engagement ring on your wedding finger is a bit odd. Can you not wear it on your right hand?

Oh who cares

RoseField1 · 23/06/2026 08:49

harriethoyle · 22/06/2026 23:11

🤣🤣

That said, as pp said, still wearing your engagement ring is a bit odd. And I’d be hacked off if my ex DH came to my dad’s funeral. So some of it I do get… sorry!

Show quote history

My ex husband came to my mum's funeral, he drove a 12 hour round trip and slept in his van to be there. A couple of people found it curious that I had two husbands there but the general view was that it showed lovely respect. He's the father of my mum's grandson and they were very fond of each other. Unless your ex is abusive or your parent didn't like them I can't see why you would find this annoying.

Kalanthe · 23/06/2026 08:46

He’s overreacting but I would definitely resize the ring and wear it on the middle finger. It is a bit weird as culturally you would wear a ring like that to signal you’re engaged

Member984815 · 23/06/2026 08:45

It's a ring you have worn for years , it's yours so do what you want with it. The writing is also yours , you don't need to take it down. Someone actively sought out your ex to talk shit about you , I'd be looking at my circle differently . His opinions are irrelevant to you now. How old are the children, how much contact do you need outside of say graduations or weddings other big celebrations?

Chritrup · 23/06/2026 08:41

Surely the key word here is “ex”.

Whatever I think of your choices (and the ring thing is a little odd), it’s got fuck all to do with him.

DirtyGertiefromno30 · 23/06/2026 08:38

You haven't done anything wrong @Lilifer. It does sound to me as if the grass isn't greener on the other side because if it was, your Ex would not care a jot about you or what you are doing . I say carry on regardless and ignore ignore ignore . I wouldn't go to his home because that could be construed as stalking . Just let everything go over your head and do not engage with him or his partner.

AImportantMermaid · 23/06/2026 08:32

Tell him to fuck off - he can’t control you or tell you what to do.

RunningJo · 23/06/2026 08:27

Wearing your ring, up to you. Sounds like his new partner probably has a thing about it.
Personally I’d have it remade into a different design and made bigger, or a new piece of jewellery. No way would I be putting in his safe!

The funeral sounds completely normal behaviour to me, you went to support your children to say goodbye to a man who you were close to. If you’d have walked in with family, sat at the front and done an impromptu speech, then I’d get it, but you didn’t. He’s an arse.

I don’t know how I’d feel if an ex wrote about such a personal thing on a public forum, I guess we can write what we like, within reason, and this was clearly very personal to you. . If writing is your thing I wouldn’t stop, but I’d be mindful of what I wrote because quite honestly I wouldn’t give him an excuse to be in touch. Maybe a name change and some details changed from now on so you’re less identifiable?

He does sound like a bit of an arse tbh, thankfully you’ll soon be free of him.

DrBlackbird · 23/06/2026 08:26

Lilifer · 23/06/2026 01:10

@CamillaMcCauleyi have taken it down as I think that his annoyance is understandable although he hasn’t even read it but he did not like me being close to his dad after we split so I get it, but at the time I wrote it a year ago absolutely no one from my town even knew I was writing let alone under what name, all my readers were from far away. I keep going back and forth on the ring becasue he is so furious about it, like he had been seething over this for the last few years now. It seems mad to me, but maybe for the sake of the kids and harmony I should., having said that no matter what I do or don’t do he always treats me like dirt, so I just kind of feel stubborn about it too, yes reactive as someone said, not good but it’s hard not to react when someone treats you like crap

For the love of god, do not change your behaviour just to appease this insanely controlling man. For your sake but also to role model for your sons that this is not a pattern to replicate with their future partners.

And even if you asked AIBU, ignore the posters saying it’s weird, don’t write about your life etc. To paraphrase the words of the great Elizabeth Bennett, resolve to act in a manner that will, in your opinion, constitute your happiness, without reference to either your ex or any poster online or any other person so wholly unconnected to you. The only people that do deserve some consideration would be your kids. No one else.

OnlyGarden · 23/06/2026 08:25

Wearing the ring is a bit odd. Your reasons for wearing it are a bit odd too. If it's that valuable can you get it turned into a necklace or a ring that isn't an engagement ring or even just resized to fit another finger?

I wouldn't leave it in his safety deposit box though in case it goes missing or there is a misunderstanding.

I wouldnt like an ex writing about my family in such a public way but I'd have to accept it.

Purplecatshopaholic · 23/06/2026 08:24

I like the phrase ‘fair enough’, I then ignore. Every time. If he just comes round to have a go, tell him to stop coming round. He sounds like a twat.
The wearing the ring on your left hand is a bit odd, I can see why people who know you/him might think you are clinging onto something there. However it’s none of their business, so if you are happy doing it that’s fine. I kept mine and moved it to my right hand.

liamharha · 23/06/2026 08:24

It is giving clinging on and I could understand a new partners discomfort . Are you happy the marriage is over ,who's decision was it ?
As horrible as it may be he obviously wants a much cleaner and brutal split form you ,and sees you solely as the kids mum ,he doesn't twat chit chat or small talk or friendship ,or to be reminded of shared memories. So stop trying .
Treat him thensam was he treats you and move on with your life . Keep it business like and give him the ring back or sell it if it's yours .

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 23/06/2026 08:21

Lilifer · 22/06/2026 23:01

My ex husband turned up unannounced at my house tonight. No warning, just my 20year old DS appearing at the top of the stairs saying “Dad’s downstairs, he wants a word.” I had just got home from our youngest son’s school Leavers ceremony which had been pretty emotional for me, and I was in the middle of getting changed into my slouchy gear and thinking about dinner and relaxing with a quiet evening.

i went down to see him, a bit puzzled as had only seen him minutes before around at the school where we had talked a bit, what I got was being told that I am an embarrassment, that people are talking about me, and that I need to change my ways. Specifically:
The ring. I still wear my engagement ring on my ring finger. Not my wedding ring, just the engagement ring. I wear it because it’s valuable, I don’t want to leave it in a jewelry box where it could be stolen, it only fits that finger, and I don’t want to lose it. Ex husband has decided that this is a problem and that other people, friends, mutual friends, possibly family members, he was quite vague about his sources, are apparently commenting on it and finding it strange and something to be criticised for.

When I pointed out that I don’t know anyone who goes around looking at other people’s hands, he said “you’d be surprised.” He suggested I put it in a safety deposit box. In his shop. I declined.

Writing on Medium. I write on Medium, about my life, (nothing about him) current affairs, personal essays. Ex husband has decided this is also A Problem because I am apparently “putting my whole life out there.” He cited people who had apparently told him not to read my piece about his father’s funeral because it would upset him. He has not read it. He does not know what is in it. The piece was a tribute to a man I loved and had known for over twenty five years. I referred to him as my father-in-law because that is what he was to me for most of my adult life. Apparently this was overstepping.

The funeral. This is not the first time this has come up. His father died a couple of years ago. I loved his father and his father loved me. I am the mother of his grandchildren. I made sure my kids were all turned out well in good suits and outfits at short notice, I made sure they did their grandfather proud, and I sat approximately a third of the way down the church. Not the front row. Not beside my ex and our children. A third of the way down. Apparently I should have been at the back.

We have been over this before and he doubled down tonight.
For additional context:

  • I had a frightening health episode just days ago that he was aware of. He did not ask how I was. Not once.
  • I spent weeks putting together a box of duplicate family photographs for him, his travels before we met, photos of the children growing up, carefully sorted and labelled. He never acknowledged it. Not a text, not a word.
  • He has a partner.
  • I live in his hometown, surrounded by his people, his business, his family, his influence. He is a big personality in the town. I have built my own life here but it is not easy.
  • We are three months away from our financial agreement ending completely.

So. AIBU to keep wearing the ring? And also AIBU to think that turning up unannounced to deliver all of this on the evening of your son’s Leavers Mass is not okay?
Asking for a friend. That friend is me. 😅

I loved my ex parents in law but the writing about them perhaps feels a bit like you’re making his loss about you and they are his parents. I’d give him that one for grief….

The ring situation is a bit weird weird. Why would you wear it on your left hand? That’s a symbol of love - wear it on your right but most people when they divorce remove all wedding and engagement rings. I loved my rings but they came off when we spilt. Maybe he’s thinking you’re being performative again and by wearing it, you’re stating that the divorce is his decision… If it’s expensive, get it remodeled?

The one thing he shouldn’t do it turn up at your home uninvited. And shouldn’t talk like that in front of the kids. I’d contact him and say in future can you text and we will chat on the phone or meet to talk elsewhere as the kids don’t need to be exposed to their parents disagreements..

JHound · 23/06/2026 08:21

Tell him he doesn’t own you and shut the door next time.

bigfacthunter · 23/06/2026 08:19

He sounds absolutely unbearable, well done on the divorce.

personally I’d sell the ring and use the money to buy an expensive leather bag and I’d tell him that’s what I’d done so every time he saw me with this gorgeous leather bag he’d be reminded of how little our marriage means to me now

DrBlackbird · 23/06/2026 08:19

Lilifer · 23/06/2026 01:10

@CamillaMcCauleyi have taken it down as I think that his annoyance is understandable although he hasn’t even read it but he did not like me being close to his dad after we split so I get it, but at the time I wrote it a year ago absolutely no one from my town even knew I was writing let alone under what name, all my readers were from far away. I keep going back and forth on the ring becasue he is so furious about it, like he had been seething over this for the last few years now. It seems mad to me, but maybe for the sake of the kids and harmony I should., having said that no matter what I do or don’t do he always treats me like dirt, so I just kind of feel stubborn about it too, yes reactive as someone said, not good but it’s hard not to react when someone treats you like crap

For the love of god, do not change your behaviour just to appease this insanely controlling man. For your sake but also to role model for your sons that this is not a pattern to replicate with their future partners.

And even if you asked AIBU, ignore the posters saying it’s weird, don’t write about your life etc. To paraphrase the words of the great Elizabeth Bennett, resolve to act in a manner that will, in your opinion, constitute your happiness, without reference to either your ex or any poster online or any other person so wholly unconnected to you. The only people that do deserve some consideration would be your kids. No one else.

UninitendedShark · 23/06/2026 08:18

I wouldn’t give a shiny shit what he thinks tbh. Proceed as you wish. Well done for escaping this vile man.

Dontwearmysocks · 23/06/2026 08:16

CamillaMcCauley · 22/06/2026 23:30

“Well, Jason, thanks for sharing your thoughts.”

Then ignore and continue with your life.

The beauty of divorce is that best interests of any children aside, you no longer need to give a shit about what your ex thinks.

Edited

Perfect. What you do is no longer his concern, he can do one.

GreatOffWhiteFalcon · 23/06/2026 08:14

About the ring OP, you could have it altered so that it fits on another finger. Then it wouldn't look like a romantic statement of commitment, which a diamond ring on the fourth finger left hand is.
If you did this asap and told him you'd done it, he might worry less about the other issues.
About the funeral, I can only say that I am dreading my DH's ex coming to his funeral whenever the time comes. He doesn't want her to be there either, but I won't be able to keep her away. His children are grown up with families of their own, but I bet she will say that she needs to be there to support them. Perhaps your ex and his partner felt like that about you being there?

AllyMacbealmyarse · 23/06/2026 08:14

He’s a twat @Lilifer , so please stop letting him have this effect on your life. He doesn’t need to come into the house and if he does and has a go then kick him out. He shouldn’t have bullied you when you were married and he certainly doesn’t get to now.
Please put the essay back up, it doesn’t sound in any way disrespect Or problematic. If you want to wear the ring then do so, albeit I would probably sell it.

You have moved on but he still thinks he gets an influence over you and you are letting him, may be have a think about why that is the case. Otherwise grey rock, polite but ignore, don’t let the bastard grind you down.

Pinkdayss · 23/06/2026 08:11

Make it clear to your son and that he is never to be allowed in the house again.

Stop listening to him. At all.
Do not give him that ring.

He sounds like a complete tosser.

Jane143 · 23/06/2026 08:08

I’m guessing he’s moved on but he thinks you haven’t as you’re still wearing his ring. You’re doing nothing wrong and the funeral part of it is lovely, we don’t stop loving extended family after divorce

99bottlesofkombucha · 23/06/2026 08:04

lessglittermoremud · 23/06/2026 06:23

If you want to keep the ring I would wear the ring on the other hand, it does seem odd to be so attached it though, doesn’t it remind you of being attached to someone who sounds totally insufferable.
Personally I would sell it and use the money to buy another ring/piece of jewellery, something to mark the start of your new journey.
As someone else has said you need to ask your child not to just him into the house, if he needs to speak to you he can wait on the doorstep.
I would change your username on the place you’re putting your writings so your not recognised if you want to keep doing it.
The funeral thing sounds like you behaved perfectly fine, you shouldn’t have sat at the back in hiding. My Dad went to my Grandmothers funeral (his ex MIL) because he had know her for 30 years, he didn’t sit at the front with the family, but he didn’t hide out at the back, he sat in one of the middle rows of the church amongst other friends etc
Next time he comes around to lecture you, tell him he seems overly invested in what you are doing and to butt out.

Edited

She’s already said it doesn’t fit on any other finger.

icannotlivelaughloveintheseconditions · 23/06/2026 08:02

go to his house unannounced and tell him you are sick of him following you about and checking up on you. You are split up and it’s not appropriate or healthy for him. And say that you will also stay out of his life going forward and that from now on it’s probably better to keep communication to a minimum and strictly about divorce or dc.

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