AIBU to feel disturbed by my parents' secret sexual history?

At least read the OP, that’s not true.

knew my mother had affairs (I know of at least 3) when I was growing up. My first memory as a four year old was her kissing our lodger in the bathroom. My dad was emotionally and mentally abusive to her so I always thought her affairs were part of her escape plan (she never left).

I really sympathise with you. My little girl is 4 and if she saw me kissing someone other than her dad it would probably really upset and confuse her :( This is an early memory from your childhood so I imagine it had quite an impact on you. It’s understandable to have negative feelings about the new information. If I found out that throughout my childhood strangers had been coming into my house to have sex with one of my parents it would really mess with my head.

I’m so sorry you’ve had to hear about this. The person who told you clearly had t considered how it would make you feel 🤯
I’ve got no issues with people who have extramarital consensual whatever’s or any kind of experiences outside of a marriage, as long as all parties know and consent. But FFS who would be so dumb as to tell their kids 🤯 of course it will affect you!
just remember your parents had a relationship which was nothing to do with you and how they felt about you … hard to put it out of your mind but try to move on

I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. I think
that at the very least, your parents had a responsibility to keep their “extracurricular activities” out of the family home, and not involve other people you knew in keeping a secret from you about your own family. YANBU.

Which could also be a reason why a woman might go along with it. To keep the men away from her daughters.

I wrote on here once how I was pretty appalled that my ‘friend’ who had recently adopted a little child, was swinging in the house and going off to sex clubs and I was widely criticised and told to mind my own business!
But it is selfish behaviour when you have children. And they will always find out- as you have.

You only just found out about more tham affairs so they did a reasonable job at keeping it to themselves, parents are people too and their business is exactly that

It’s grim. I totally sympathise with you.

No, “everyone” does not. I knew from when I was fairly young that my parents had a difficult time conceiving me, their only child, so it stood to reason that they’d had sex several times.

OP’s parents were adults and free to make their choices - including the responsible choice of keeping their casual sex with other people out of the family home.

I don't think it was that uncommon when people married young in the 70s. My parents had multiple different sexual partners and we caught them out occasionally and found sex toys etc. They did split up and move on to new partners later on though.
I also found out as a teenager that my grandfather was sleeping with some of his friend's wives - guessing pre viagra - the man would bring his wife around and he'd sit in the living room and have some drinks and nibbles whilst my grandfather was off in the bedroom with his wife!

I actually disagree with a lot of posters. I think when you have kids you have to understand the emotional impact your sexual appetite can have on them. If you want to swing and shag around maybe just remain child free.

You really do not know the circumstances under which OP was told, so hold your judgement.

OP was exposed to this when she was 4, there would have been part of her trying to rationalise what she saw at a young age.

Hardly! Would you be happy to sit and listen to someone telling you about the inner secrets of your parents sex lives?!

This post is so tonedeaf it's unreal.

It was considerably harder to leave your marriage in the 1970s especially with children. Refuges were few and far between (1971 saw the opening of the first ever in Chiswick) and family were frequently unsupportive because leaving your husband was so frowned upon - trapping women.

As for gaslighting - if, as I suspect, OP's mother was coerced by her "emotionally and mentally abusive" husband, it's possible she thought that she was successfully hiding all this from her daughter. Kidding herself, yes; but that could be how she kept a hold of her sanity.

Victim blaming at its finest.

YANBU, OP. It must have been disturbing and I doubt that was the only time you were exposed it, even if advertently.

It's bad enough to accidentally see your own parents having sex / sexual contact, let alone with strangers.

I totally understand why you feel like this. They did not give you a safe home,

They also increased the likelihood of one of these men entering yours or your sister's room.

This. What I would be more concerned about is the fact someone told you about this and you listened… had someone started telling me something like this about my parents I would instantly switch off!!

You’d be surprised what people get up to.

I briefly worked as a straight male escort and most of my business was with men’s wives.

It's not ridiculous at all. If op's parents are in their late 70s then we're talking the hippy era. Times were different. Consensual adults having consensual sex - no problem.

You are being unnecessarily judgemental, definitely lacking empathy and human kindness.

It wasn’t private though was it. She could feel the discomfort as a young child and knew her mother wasn’t safe her whole childhood. And her mother stayed and attempted to keep the gaslighting up. That’s abuse. Would you want your child to go through that?

"My dad was emotionally and mentally abusive to her"

"Bearing in mind the men my mother slept with were at my dad’s place of work"

"My mum is not the sort of person you could EVER imagine having this history."

Given the number of cases I have read lately of men drugging their wives for other men to rape, getting off on their wife's degradation and humiliation; I'd be considering whether your mum was having affairs, or whether she was being actively pimped by your father to his workmates.

"the friend who told me this today worked there and said it was”common knowledge”.
That 'common knowledge' was formed through the lens of personal bias and the mores of the times. This was the 1970s, presumably? The family friend, and others around him, were aware of your mother having sex with men other than your father. Unless your father blatantly pimped her to the family friend, that family friend (and others) would have assumed your mother was having affairs. Even now, post-Pelicot, we find it hard to get our head around the sheer depravity of some men.

I'm sorry to raise the possibility, because he is your dad and that must hurt too - but I don't think it's beyond reasonable doubt that your mother was 'just' having affairs. There are other possibilities, all of them horrib;e.

So sorry OP. This must all be so distressing for you.
((hug))

A 'friend' of your father's?

What sort of man would your father have been friends with? What sort of man would be in a position to be aware of what happened or at least be able to claim he knew what happened? What sort of man would feel it appropriate to go into explicit detail about what your mother allegedly did and emphasise that she was consenting, rather than coerced into it?

Of course I can, but what can you do about it now? It isn’t what she/they were getting up to that is the issue, it’s their disrespect for allowing you to witness it. That’s two separate issues. Nothing ‘wrong’ with their sex life, everything wrong with their lack of discretion.