AIBU to stop neighbour children destroying my son's toys and things?

I have 4 DC with SEN and they don't do that.

No, obviously some children have additional needs, but most don't do this.

This - the 9 year is too rough and there's too much of an age gap, just let him play with the 5 years old who hopefully won't break all his toys otherwise find other friends for your DS.

I think the jenga/crayons/dish soap thing is probably curiosity without thinking through/realising consequences - did he stop without any fuss when you asked him to?
I don't think it's necessarily "bad" behaviour, because I think that depends on the intent/motivation, but still exhausting and the way he plays doesn't marry up with the way your DC wants his things being used so YWNBU to put a stop to it.

Making jenga into a boat sounds really fun to be honest. Sounds to me like the 9 year old is trying to impress and entertain the smaller kids.

I'd be fine with this stuff but I like messy play and whatever. Destroying books or an expensive or loved toys would not be cool but crayons - I guess they were making potions or whatever. I wouldn't love it but sometimes these things happen.

Regardless sounds like you aren't fine with messy play in which case don't have them round.

I don’t know how much experience of 9YOs you have but that is really abnormal behaviour. I wouldn’t have him in the house again. If you want to frame it in a way with the mum that potentially still allows the 5YOs to have a friendship I’d say he’s too grown up, was bored with the little ones, was lashing out and you don’t really have suitable play things for that age but you’ll happily have the youngest to play again as they get on really well. Or something to that effect.

This is really good advice too. It’s not ok that he’s in effect damaging the toys and rendering them useless (presumably) for said purpose and this can be raised gently. Just think he’s a bit more imaginative in his play and yoy need sturdier materials. Sounds like outdoor junk modelling, fort building etc, all good things to do.

This. Sounds like you're more specific about purposes for different toys. Some parents are very relaxed. It would have annoyed me too. It sounds to me like he’s otherwise a nice little boy and they are having fun so I would maybe limit the use of toys with guests and have things which can be used in different ways aren’t aren’t so easy to damage. He actually sounds very creative in his play but could be provided with some gentle boundaries.

My daughter is ASD /ADHD and is really destructive at 8 .it's the reason he play dates happen at our home and why I dont allow her the opportunity to go go to other ppl s homes unless supervised by me .

Totally abnormal behaviour for a 9 year old. I would not be letting this kid into my house again. Let them play outside together in the street and without your son's toys but watch like a hawk that the destructive behaviour doesn't start to influence your boy.

There's a type of child who does deliberately break and spoil other children's toys. We had one of these visiting and sometimes I'd just find the wreckage, other times I actually caught her at it (literally jumping on lego and playmobil to break it). This girl came from an affluent home - more affluent than us - it wasn't jealousy or deprivation - it was a power play. She had a 'nice as pie' image with most parents and knew exactly what she was doing.

I'd take a really hard line and tell this child off. If he doesn't like it, tough. And tell the parent.

You need to supervise them better. A lot of this could have been thwarted had you intervened sooner. I imagine it takes some time to tape up jenga blocks to make a boat!
You would be reasonable not to want to have to supervise so closely a nine year who sounds like he needs eyes on the back of the head however! The neighbour shouldn’t be using you as childcare. It’s fine to limit how often they come over and say ‘not today, we’re busy’ sometimes.

I wouldn’t want my children round someone as judgmental as you. Raised without proper standards? They are children just learning the boundaries. To not even give the five year old a chance! Fucking hell.

Silly question but have you had a polite conversation with this child? I know that no one on MN likes to address issues directly. Explained why it's rude and harmful to destroy other people's property? That you will ask his parents to pay for any further damage.

You can talk to 9 year olds normally. The key is to just be calm and polite. No telling off, no anger. Just explain. If nothing improves, don't have them over.

This. Don't be so accommodating.

Have you spoken to the parents? I wouldn’t have him over anymore personally.

I'd stop him from coming over if it continues.

Time to start sending them away if something is deliberately broken.

"That wasn't very nice X, you can go home now and maybe we can have you over to play again soon if you play nicely and don't break things."

Has he got SEN/learning disabilities? This is not normal behaviour 9 year olds. My 9 yo son & friends can be energetic/boisterous but this sounds like unchecked toddler behaviour.

Edited cos i reread it properly second time. Sorry.

You need to tell them off and not let them round again.

I wouldn't be having the 9 year old over again and I'd be having a few doubts about the five year old as well. He might well mature into a child who is equally as destructive as his older brother. I was an only child and I wouldn't have wanted this brattish sort of company as a child. I looked after my toys and so did my sons. My mother would have given these children short shrift concluding they had been raised without proper standards.

Nip it in the bud. It’s not your job to parent him and I’ve had enough experience with neighbourhood kids like that - it’s better to just not invite them into the house and don’t bring out any special toys if they’re playing together in the garden etc!

This.