Friend has gotten really funny due to my weekend away with man

What's nym?

Yeah, tbf, most of my friends would've said it in a jokey eyeroll way,not especially aggressively. I mean, if you're that good friends it's just a way of pointing out a problem, most people don't snap like that, it's very to the point. really depends what the 'banter' is like in the friendship in general or if it felt a bit too shocking. If I was genuinely really irritated and upset, I'd probably have said something pointed and then backed off the friendship a bit

There's one woman in one of my (mixed sex) friendship groups who is infamous for always ditching plans with mere friends the minute a new man comes on the scene or anything comes up with a bloke. It's more a standing joke now than anything, people are just different, I guess, but it is funny. She's been doing it ever since I've known her, so I just accept that's what she does, but one or two of her longer standing friends do get riled with their plans being cast aside at a moment's notice because Bloke.

I haven't heard the phrase and probably wouldn't use it to the friend as it's a little aggressive - would have tried to communicate calmly - but I think it's really funny! It says what is meant very neatly. And some women do light up like a Christmas Tree at any hint of male interest, discarding their friends. I don't think it's the actual cock that excites them, but it's a very pithy way to describe how some women put men on a pedestal very quickly.

You are allowed to not want to go away with her and she's allowed to feel upset about that.

Would have been better to be straight with her than string her along though.

YANBU.

You haven't dropped her, you are still seeing her regularly. You hadn't committed to going on holiday with her and you are not obliged to.

From what you've described, I can 100% see why you wouldn't want to! We've all got friends who are better in small, regular doses than in a 24/7 holiday setting.

What's her situation, is she single or does she have a partner? Does she have any kids?

You are perfectly right to treat the things differently OP. When you are a single mum finding and arranging time to date is bloody hard. Ignore the smug-marrieds on here OP and have a great time x

Yes the comment from that poster was way too aggressively worded, I do agree, but the op is being so flippant in the face of people pointing out she hasn't treated the friend well. Instead of maybe taking some of that on board, she is simply deflecting with snide comments ab0ut what other pp's parents must think of them. We could just as easily say the same to her: that's what I meant by lack of self awareness.

Exactly! There's nothing wrong with not wanting to go away with a friend or whoever you (don't) want to, you're under no obligation to be anyone else's stopgap either, but why would her expectations be so different that she's this hurt? Almost certainly because it felt like it wasn't made clear or you were stringing her along.

This isn’s about timeshare, this is about stringing the “best friend” along and pretending you want to go on a trip with them, giving them crappy excuses which all of a sudden go out of the window when a new guy comes along. Honesty is important in a friendship. Apparently the only way OP could explain to her overweight, highly strung “best friend” that she didn’t want to do a weekend away with her is to be bluntly offensive.

Well said, not the friends loss by sounds of it…

Why on earth is it offensive? We don't all have to waft around pressing flowers and being fragrant and delicate you know. Some women are blunter and more to the point and that's fine. Most of my friends are; mind you, I generally wouldn't hang out with women who think mentioning 'cock' directly is far too crude for their delicate ears. Life's rich pageant and all that...

I see that with all my female friends whether they have a boyfriend, a husband, a child or a parent that needs support from time to time.

I accept that families come first, I understand if the boyfriend takes priority as I understand they may be in the process of trying to build up a new family for themselves. As long as they don’t leave me waiting to confirm we are meeting (I wouldn’t block the time off while they decide) and don’t cancel plans at the last minute. I’m fine. Now, if someone is saying they are not sure they can go on holidays yet, I just take it as a “no” and no hard feelings.

But you've not given her any reasons for why you wouldn't go away with her so of course she sees it as you ditching her for a bloke.

If you'd said anything about mismatched budgets, or not sleeping well sharing a room, or just that you find a trip away a bit intense and need your space so don't want to risk causing tension in your friendship and want to keep to your regular meet ups, she maybe wouldn't be feeling so dumped.

OP that's a shitty thing to say to you and quite gross. I have good female friends but I wouldn't want to go away for the weekend with any of them. I suspect you didn't want to very much either - or you'd have gone. I'd just be upfront from now. If she's going to be that blunt then I'd be blunt in return.

No she doesn’t. The poster this was in reply to called her a ‘fucking vile friend.’ Some of the replies have been frankly unhinged. Op has managed to stay quite calm in the face of unnecessary rudeness. Even if you disagree with what she’s done there’s no need for personal attacks. MN is wild lately.

I'm on her side. Chicks before dicks! She was your friend way before you met him and she will be long after the relationship has hit the dirt. You should have told him that she was first in the queue and that you and him can go away together a bit later. That way, your friend doesn't feel like a poor second to the Great Man, and he gets to yearn after you a bit. Still, it's too late for that kind of common sense.

I totally get that a weekend away with a new man is a different thing from one with a friend, but it's a pity that a trip with her wasn't a priority for a long time and suddenly you're going away with him.

Reminds me of when my bestie was dating someone and she would never, ever commit to seeing me on a Saturday night even if she had nothing arranged with him when I asked. She would always keep it free for him, even if no date was forthcoming. 🤮 Me, if someone hadn't asked me out in good time for Saturday night, I'd have made plans and he'd learn to ask earlier next time. So I got relegated to Sunday lunchtimes throughout that relationship, and she was ever so proud that she'd made time for our friendship throughout. 🙄

I don't think us women should prioritise men we've just met, but that's just me.

For those wondering if “sniff of a cock” would not be said by a woman, here you have a paraphrased but equally offensive expression of the same.

This 👆🏼

Ah @Laurenn25 I'm with you. Do what you want.
Jeez, if I asked a mate if she wanted to go away together, and she wouldn't commit, I'd accept it, read between the lines and move on.
I certainly wouldn't be guilt tripping them into feeling bad about a trip away with a new boyfriend.
Also, you haven't dropped her if you're still seeing her once a week.
Blimey, I don't think you're a shit friend, although I would question your mate's motives

Sorry to break it to you, but you're wrong!

You need to work on self-awareness.

They would. I would. So would a few of my (female) mates. Stop pearl-clutching.

I can see why you want to go away with your new man, OP, but I find your updates about your supposed "best" friend really horrible. It sounds like you've been treating her as a stop-gap until you meet "the real thing". As in, as she said, you get a sniff of cock. Sounds a bit like you've been stringing her along about the holiday til you got a better offer, which is not being a good friend. There are always women like this, who chuck over female friends the minute a bloke is on the scene; not sure their friends feel jealous of them, I always think it's a bit sad,really.

If I hadn't wanted to go away with my friend, I'd have said so and been honest, in the nicest possible way, about the snoring (I snore like a trooper these days, so I wouldn't want to subject anyone to it either and wouldn't want to share a room, no idea what her "being overweight" has to do with anything though, what a shitty thing to say, are you embarrassed of her or something?) and the expense instead of stringing her along. Sounds like you pity her a bit. In which case, perhaps she deserves better friends.

So op this thread has turned out to be quite a straightforward one.

You are a mean friend; you have mean thoughts and a mean way of talking about her and she is hurt that she has picked up you don't like her enough to go away with her, which you don't. "Simples" as that Meercat thing would say.

What were you actually needing help with?

Very proud and certainly never brought me up to ditch my mate when a penis was being waved at me