Failing to manage work and childcare even when I am trying my best.

This mostly just sounds unfortunate, although I would say, unless DH is something like a surgeon and people would die if he had time off, he can have as much time off as you. Your job is going to be as important to YOUR employer as he is to his employer. There is no reason why YOUR employer should be struggling, and you should be struggling as a result, just because he does an job that looks more important.

How many days have you had off?

Actually, you can. If you weren't around, he'd have to. It's the reality of being a working parent, sometimes needing leave when your dc are ill.

You are getting into bother because you've had twice as much leave as you should have had, because you are doing your share and his share.

Senior HR here.

I don’t think you’ve said how much sickness absence you’ve had but it would appear it is considerably more than the other people you work with for it to have got to this point. Is there a reason for that? Could be differences in hygiene or an underlying condition.

What sort of leave are you taking when your children are ill?

The issue here is that it is all on you. You’ve a husband with a BIG JOB and apparently no family or friends you can rely on (but you mention in laws - where are they?). Unless you get a zero hours/bank type of job this is going to keep happening. An employer doesn’t have to compromise on attendance because you say there is nobody else that can look after them.

Vitamin D is probably the most important nutrient for protecting against viral infections, and infections lower your D levels. I'd suggest looking at the Nutrient Teams Facebook group which has a whole protocol about how to supplement. Zinc and vitamin C are also important.

Are ringing in sick when your children are sick? If so why aren't you taking parental leave? Od be very worried if my job was causing me this much illness - it doesn't sound sustainable and you said you then make your children sick. It sounds like you need something more flexible where WFH is an option

Are you actually calling in sick for days when your DC are unwell? Surely you should use Annual Leave (either paid or unpaid) or Dependant's Leave. It can be really difficult when your DC are young and catch everything going around and your work means you are exposed to lots of bugs as well.

But he could take an AL day or some employers will give paid carers leave

I only use sick days for my own illness. I don't consider it a sick day if I have to take a day off for my DC being ill - that's what annual leave is for.

From the sound of it, you're pretty miserable as things stand.
Possibly you're extra anxious because you know you don't NEED the money.
Have you considered giving up paid work while your children are young to do something completely different which you would also find fulfilling?
Many of the people you perceive as somehow 'getting by', when you feel you can't, are doing this because they have absolutely no choice.
I suspect many would give anything to be in your shoes. and wouldn't hesitate a second before resigning if they could.

I’m not sure if I’m reading OPs posts differently but my reading is that her husband DOES take time off to look after the kids. Sometimes it’s not possible if he has something that can’t be moved. That’s how DH and I do it - look at what commitments we each have and make a call on who takes the hit that time.

The aggravating factor seems to be that OP is working in a germ factory so keeps getting ill herself (and then passing it onto the kids). I suspect the nursery’s lax approach to D&V doesn’t extend to staff working while unwell

Hi OP

Could you look at changing jobs to a childcare setting with a more reasonable sickness policy? Somewhere with lots of outside space as well. I think that letting kids stay at nursery with runny tummy then threatening to sanction you if you pick it up is madness

She's already said. He can earn as much in one meeting as she'll earn in two weeks. So they've chosen to prioritise his job.

They've decided together that he's not going to step in for sick days if it doesn't suit him because they're both choosing to prioritise his job.

OP is exhausted, catching every big going, probably about to be fired and has a poor sickness record. Jobs are thin on the ground everywhere. I'd say her chances of getting employment elsewhere, quickly enough to not be fired, are pretty much zero. She's also going to be in the same situation pretty much wherever she works. She's exhausted so will continue catching things for a while until her health picks up. She's got a little bit of the mentality of not going to work with a sniffle too (it's obvious from her posts). So she's not realistically going to be wanting to send sick kids to school or go into work herself with a cold, because she doesn't believe in it. It's a mentality that leads to increased sickness absences than the average person.

Yeh being a SAHM is a risk, but you can't avoid all risks in life. They're married. That gives some legal protection and a backup plan of a divorce settlement. It also means they're supposed to be a team, supposed to trust each other and put their faith in each other. If they're not going to do that then what was the point of getting married in the first place?

Why have kids with a husband you can't trust? May as well just get pregnant from a ONS and not tell him, less hassle. The whole point of using marriage as the basis for having kids is that you can supposedly trust each other and lean on each other in times of need. Like when you're raising little ones. If you can't or won't do this, there's really very little point in it at all and it becomes nothing more than a chance to dress up and play at being "princess" for a day while being fussed over by everyone.

This "let's be hyper-independant just in case" mentality is destroying women's lives. It's created no less of a precedent than the one you mentioned of becoming the default parent. It has created situations like the OPs, where she's run ragged and whatever she does is wrong in someone's eyes so she feels guilty constantly, contributing to her stress levels and weakened immune system that's left her floored.

Who cares about becoming default parent? That's exactly what SAHP is. And when they're no longer the SAHP a conversation can be had about the default parent status needing to change, which also means the person who was default parent taking responsibility for their own actions and refusing that role when others try to place it back upon them. It really shouldn't be a huge thing. Life situations change and so does the role various family members play in the family dynamics.

Everyone goes about these days basically acting single and child-free, except they're married with kids! Then wonders why life isn't working out so well and they're dissatisfied.

There's always a risk the marriage will end. That's life. It doesn't mean you go through life acting like it's definitely going to happen. If he leaves her she can worry about that then.

Why didn’t your DH take time off to look after the children?

I used to do a high level corporate job, but if my children were ill I’d work from home if at all possible, unless there was a business trip or an in-person meeting that I could not reschedule or get out of. Did what I could during the day and caught up with the rest once my husband got home. Might this be an option for your husband?

I’m so sorry it’s really hard to juggle it all. I was very lucky in that we had available willing grandparents to help us out but it was still hard, working full time with little kids. It’s not you. Things will get better though don’t despair.

I’ve left three jobs over the years because of this, I became a sahm for five years because we were on the ground and both of our managers were threatening us and money wise the equivalent of my wage went on childcare. I don’t know how to help but I would say people who can do both obviously have some amazing back up in some way and the you can have it all thing is really for very lucky people!!! I’ve had to stop myself quitting a number of times from this job when I had to call in sick because my son had a bug.

Or the OP could get a job that is less germy, less hours, more flexible eg bank staff.
Ask her H to step in for sick kids days for the next year? If he's quite senior he could flex more perhaps, if he wanted to.
She says she enjoys her job, and anyway giving up work completely is a massive risk, no matter how much pocket money your husband gives you. It is very hard to get back into work having completely stopped for many years. Some women do manage it but a lot don't, as they lose confidence and are established as the housekeeper/ default parent so that becomes entrenched. And God forbid the husband leaves, that can really leave the non working spouse in a pickle.

Reckon you need to redefine "joy" OP. You're constantly ill, your kids are constantly ill, you're stressed and about to lose your job. You're feeling guilty about potentially having to become a germ spreader and send your sick kids to nursery and go to work sick yourself. None of this sounds fun. I get that you enjoy the job when it's going well, but life isn't just about a job and the whole package deal isn't working. You're supporting DHs career at the expense of your own and that's a family decision you're all happy with. Except you're not actually happy.

My solution: stop trying to be all things to all people. You're not superwoman, she doesn't exist. Stop trying to protect other parents and their children from germs. Stop trying to prioritise your employer over your health by going along with their unrealistic healthcare practices. Stop accepting the status quo from DH.

Stay home, raise your kids. Everyone will be healthier and therefore happier. You can support DH career even more than you do now. In return he can support you better.
Firstly by paying into a pension for you and voluntary NI contributions so you can get a state pension too.
He can take annual leave on occasion to stay home with the kids while you do some kind of industry training to keep your hand in, so your skills and qualifications don't become obsolete (he can pay for the course, any travel and accommodation costs). Then you can return to your career when life is less hectic and sick kids can be left on the sofa with a blanket, remote control for the TV and a lemsip while you go off to work all day. 10+ should do it, if they're genuinely sick they won't be getting up to mischief and if they're less sick they can have some paracetamol or immodium and go to school.

DH needs to realise that if he wants his career prioritised that means he steps up and provides, for you as an individual, not just for the family in a bare-bones way. This includes access to a joint account for daily living expenses and also some of his salary paid directly into your own account from his on payday - for personal spends on whatever you like, with no justifying it to anyone else, or saving it into your own savings account for a rainy day if you prefer. You don't have to have a job to feel independent, just a good DH who's willing to truly share.

If one salary means you have to cut back as a family then that's what you do, all of you. Not DH keeping his chosen standard of living and the rest of you scraping by, feeling guilty for buying anything that isn't essential food or the gas bill. If you need a cheaper house, sort that out. If he's amassing huge savings/or putting into his own pension by an excessive amount, and that has to stop to free up some funds so you can have a pension/some personal spends too, then so be it and he'll have to cut his saving back. So that fucks up his retirement plan? Tough shit. You had kids together and that's fucked up your career. It's time for him to eat shit too, it's not all on you.

You're currently not really working as a team. Which is shown by the fact you're on here looking for a magic solution that doesn't exist instead of talking to your DH about practical solutions for making life work. Go talk to him and tell him to pull his finger out, because he can't have it both ways. He can't be the priority and do the bare minimum childcare/school/ sickness duties, while you work yourself into the ground supporting everyone except yourself - all in the name of feminism or girl power or independence or whatever else you've tippexed out the word "mug" with and written in it's place.

I'm not saying he's a bad man or bad DH or doesn't care etc. Just that he's so far been a bit cushioned from the realities of life and parenthood, by you. It's time to unveil those realities and have a conversation about how "equality" doesn't mean one of you scrabbling around all over the place trying to make a situation work that just doesn't. You don't have to be the same as him to be equal, but you do have to work as a team. If he's a decent man he'll listen and be willing to change.

I feel for you in this situation. I do remember a period of my life when either myself or my children were constantly bouncing off illnesses off each other and my immune system was on the floor and could not cope.

It is not realistic for you not to take off another day off sick in the next 6 months. You had a verbal warning. This is what it was, in plain management speak.The most likely next step is a disciplinary.

It won't be easy to change jobs with a disciplinary record in place. It's not going to be easy to change jobs now because most references mention sickness levels in the previous 2 months.

I think you should consider writing to you employer "without prejudice" email with "without prejudice" in the heading and somewhere in the email asking for a "without prejudice" meeting. "Without prejudice" is a legal way for an employer and an employee to have a frank conversation without a worry that an employee will use whatever has been discussed in "without prejudice" meeting in a future Employment Tribunal claim.

During this meeting you could ask whether your employer would be prepared to let you leave with an agreed reference without mentioning your sickness levels. You can insist to see the text of the agreed reference. There is always a risk someone will "leak" information to a prospective employer. However it should not happen.

The alternative would be to hope for a miracle that you won't be taking any days off sick in the next 6 months. I have been a manager myself and I understand a fair amount of employment law (I am not a lawyer). I seriously do think the next step is a disciplinary process. I am sure you are a nice person doing your best. However the nursery management has their legal obligations to meet. Should anything happen to a child in their care, heads will roll.

I think your best bet would be to accept children won't stay young forever and theirs and yours sickness levels is not a reflection of you as a mum and as a human being. However it would be prudent to remove yourself from the situation where you are at a very real risk of being disciplined/dismissed because this could really affect your future employment prospects.

If you and your husband see his work as too important to take time off for childcare then yes- you cannot continue with your work and childcare responsibiities. That is probably a rational economic decision even if it frustrates you.